Afternoon Melons with Kelly Hall, Matthew Stafford's New Fiancee

Matthew Stafford just got engaged to his voluptuous longtime girlfriend and former Georgia cheerleader, Kelly Hall.  QB nabs hottest cheerleader in school.  Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme.  I wish nothing but the best for the both of them.  Some of you may notice I didn't give Katherine Webb & AJ McCarron the same love.  The reason I didn't bother with them is that their engagement is for an arranged marriage, just like Kim & Kanye or Tom Brady & Gisele.  More of a business partnership than a love of boobs like Stafford.

BCS Exclusive - As if there was quarterbacks-only cruise out there, here are Kelly Hall and former Morning Melons all star, Lindsey Duke, making their friends invisible.  Blake Bortles is about to win the lottery twice, three times if you count the draft.

And here is a video of Kelly Hall doing some drunk bikini-modeling in a pool.

Kim DeJesus - My #1 Seed

Just look at her.  She's perfect.  And she clearly knows how to golf.  Her Happy Gilmore swing contact was better than most dudes.  I promise BCS* regulars that I will personally be there next time she practices her star jumps in Santa Monica.  I'll be drooling, but I'll be there.

**BCS no longer means Bowl Championship Series, so I'm officially stealing the acronym.

Weekend Roundup Including Riot Bro

This video of some blacked out Arizona bro (in some sweet boardies) wearing a bunch of pepper spray paint balls to the chest is what college is all about.  Too drunk to care about anything.  His team just lost a game they should've won, so I completely understand where he's coming from.  Nothing could hurt worse than that.  Except of course that hangover and these welts.

In other news, I've long thought that selling ice is the greatest scam ever for some asshole to make millions.  I am here to let everyone know that I was wrong... I had not yet thought of selling air.  You can't get much more basic than that.  Pollution is currently so bad in China that a company is selling mountain air to people desperate for a smog-less breath of fresh air.  Not even oxygen, but mountain air (with presumably less oxygen).  10-1 odds these things are filled with bike pumps or an air compressor, not from the mountains.  I've seen a lot of good scams in my day, but this one might take the cake.

And as if I needed one more reason to love the Angels on opening day, here are the prices for proposing at the ballpark.  No one from Orange County would be that cheesy.

All In Magazine Video Profile of Dan Bilzerian

I promise you will enjoy watching all of this video.  He's basically my spirit animal.

Sweet 16 Friday Betting Ticket

Wisconsin played the game of their lives yesterday.  Stanford just couldn't keep up with Dayton shooting 50%.  Even day overall, so I'm hoping for some more love from the March Madness gods.  I think Louisville is going to stomp out Kentucky today.  And it's hard for me to pick against the most forgotten 1 seed in modern history, but Virginia is going down today.  You'll notice I didn't pick the Tennessee-Michigan game since I have no feel either way.

Louisville -4
Michigan St. -2½
Iowa St. -2

Parlay of All 3 - Louisville -4, Michigan St. -2½, Iowa St. -2

Good luck today, and thank god UCLA doesn't get to fall ass-backwards into a Final Four.

Sweet 16 Thursday Betting Ticket

Although I normally hedge my happiness with this stuff, I can't today.  If UCLA sneaks past Florida, they will steamroll either Stanford or Dayton in the next round.  That's worst case scenario.  I took Florida and the points simply because I think Billy Donovan is a better coach in these big games.  Arizona vs. San Diego State was the toughest game to pick of the day.

Florida -5
Stanford -3½
San Diego State +7½
Baylor - Moneyline

Parlay #1 - Florida (-5), Stan (-3½), SDSU (ML), Baylor (ML)
Parlay #2 - Florida (-5), Stan (-3½), ZONA (ML), Baylor (ML)

UNC's Rigorous Grading Scale

Here is an example of the exemplary education athletes at the University of North Carolina are receiving.  This "paper" received an A- from the no show, no classroom Afro-American Studies 41 class that did not even have a professor.  It's also necessary to include that this was mostly written by a tutor since the player in question is illiterate.  Additionally, this essay was the only coursework required for the entire semester.  Quite the STUDENT-athlete.  It's truly riveting stuff.  And it's good thing there was no USC Marshall curve, or this would've been a B+ like everything else.

Rosa Parks: My Story

           On the evening of December Rosa Parks decided that she was going to sit in the white people section on the bus in Montgomery, Alabama.  During this time blacks had to give up there seats to whites when more whites got on the bus.  Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat.  Her and the bus driver began to talk and the conversation went like this, "Let me have those front seats" said the driver.  She didn't get up and told the driver that she was tired of giving her seat to white people. " I'm going to have you arrested," said the driver. "You may do that," Rosa Parks responded.  Two white policemen came in and Rosa Parks asked them " why do you all push us around?" The police officer replied and said " I don't know, but the law is the law and you're under arrest.

TV Show The Office Time Machine

Somebody has WAAAAAAAAAAY too much time on their hands.  Like way too much.  I stumbled across this website this morning - TheOfficeTimeMachine.com.  You simply type a certain year into the webpage, and it plays a YouTube of all of the pop culture references from that year that were ever mentioned during the run of the show.  It's pretty amazing.  I need to start over soon from the pilot.

Kim Jong Un Haircuts For Everyone

It came out today that Kim Jong Un has decreed that all North Korean men must sport his hairdo.  Tell me that isn't the funniest thing you've heard all week.  His thought process, "Well, I'm the best looking person on Earth, so all North Korean men should be so lucky."  Maybe this is his way of hiding in plain sight.  Either way, the pictures to come out of North Korea over the next few years will be even more indiscernible than this one.

And this video made me want to slam my head on my desk.

What Really Grinds My Gears

 
Nick "Swaggy P" Young pulling moves like this last night really grinds my gears.  It's hard enough having to convince myself that the Lakers want a gunner like Noodles back next year without dealing with useless showboating like this.  Bruin-esque.

 

I still haven't really forgiven him for this abomination earlier in the season.

Minor League Baseball Star Wars Uniforms

Minnesota Twins March Madness Prank

Ron Gardenhire makes this entire prank work perfectly.  Baseball managers are far and away the funniest coaches in the major sports, as long as you can stop laughing at the Canadian accents of all hockey coaches.

Is Michael Jordan In Liver Failure?

 

 

Over the years, I have been increasingly more interested in Michael Jordan stories.  SVP made a comment on his radio show about how crazy it would be if Lebron James decided to take a year off to try minor league baseball next season like MJ did.  It struck me cold thinking about how crazy, ass-backwards that first retirement was.  Everybody knows that His Airness is about the biggest degenerate gambler on Earth, as well as a raging alcoholic.  To think that neither one of the vices had anything to do with his absence from the 1993-1994 basketball season is naive.  Although I've moved on from Jordan's Hitler mustache in his Hanes commercials, his jaundiced eyes have really started to creep me out.  I've started to expect liver failure, but he could buy a cirrhosis-free liver one million times over.  Since money is not a factor, I guess he must have gout or even possibly Hepatitis.  Either way, I found this story in the comment section of Deadspin 100% believable (including the Monte Kiffin hate).

Grey Goose - All day, every day. - MJ

Steven Stamkos' Unreal Goal

Per the rule, Stamkos patiently waited for the puck to drop beneath the height of the crossbar.  You can even see the referee waving off the goal, so it was clearly overturned on replay.  That also means that Tampa Bay's crowd got to watch this replay multiple times while waiting for Toronto to make a ruling.  Simply amazing hand-eye coordination on ice while skating backwards.  And this lucky 3-poster is the reason the Kings accidentally got the win last night.

Dodgers Time Warner Sportsnet LA Stream for Every Game

So I was completely oblivious that the Dodgers exhibition games in Australia were not at all part of the preseason, as I found out today that the boys in blue are already 2-0 to start the 2014 season.  Yet they still have three preseason games against the Angels still to come still.  Bizarro world.  In other news, Time Warner Cable is playing hardball until DirecTV & the others cave.  In order to watch the Dodgers games on the SportsNet LA Dodgers channel, you must stream it from the website I have listed below.  Click on the Dodger game in the list for that day, then click on Link 1 from the dropdown menu.  You do not need to download anything, just close the pop-ups and enjoy.

www.strikeout.co

And no, that url is not fake.  It is not strikeout.com, it is actually strikeout.co.

Drunk Irish Kid Climbs Mt. Everest

This video is absolutely amazing.  I'm saving this video with my other favorite drunk gifs.

Division II Dunk Contest Winner

The last one from the free throw line off the bounce is incredible.

Today Is #1 Day To Get Snipped

This is the most Sixers gif I've seen in a long time.  Just adding a technical to a terrible turnover.  Tank city.  In other news, a urologist was quoted that March Madness Thursday is always his busiest day of the year for vasectomies.  I've never really thought about it, but planning two days on the couch to coincide with the tourney is a no-brainer.  Replacing offspring anxieties with sports betting anxieties is the only way to go about manopause.  And this picture of Central Park is amazing.

Obama's Fucking Bracket

Seriously ESPN, stop replaying Obama selecting his bracket.  We get it, he likes basketball.  He's still terrible at it, and I wish he liked being Commander-in-Chief half as much.  Tell him to go take care of hmm... let me see - Russia, Ukraine, Iran, Israel, Egypt, Libya, Venezuela, or maybe even Obamacare.  I'm sure the Community Organizer-in-Chief will do even less work than me today, which will be quite a feat.  On a very random note, I stumbled across this hilarious Louis CK / Bradley Cooper troll job.

Nate Silver's 538 Interactive Bracket

 
Baseball mascots are basically the only professional mascots that I don't despise, and The Twins bear made me laugh with this catch.  The Philly Phanatic got a little too handsy with an ump earlier this week as well.

When ESPN brought Nate Silver's blog 538 aboard, I was very interested in seeing the actual product.  After a week of looking for something meaningful related to sports, I've found his March Madness bracket-maker with predictions / perpetual odds all the way to the big dance.  It's worth a click even if you don't have another bracket to fill out.  In other news, Tom Brady & Gisele have listed their 14,000sf mansion in Brentwood for $50 million.  I think it took 4 years to build this moated monstrosity, but word is they have broken ground on an even bigger place back near Boston.  It sounds to me like Brady was offered a lifetime position with the Patriots organization if you asked me.  It's only a stone's throw from ESPN in Bristol, CT.

Diamondbacks Selling $25 Bacon-Stuffed Corndog

Everyone keeps talking about how expensive this bacon-stuffed corndog is, but they are neglecting the huge bed of french fries.  All I can say is I hope my job takes me through Phoenix at some point this summer.  And I saw this retouched picture of Arnold Palmer & Ben Hogan smoking while waiting to hit their tee shots at the 2nd hole at the 1966 Masters Championship.  Ballers.

Random Tuesday Morning Stuff

These Flyers bros had a good time at the game in Pittsburgh yesterday.  The LA Times reported this morning that Vince Vaughn bought Lane Kiffin's Manhattan Beach home for $6.5 milllion.  Click here for a walking picture tour of the place.  In other news, investigators continue to uncover the illegal bribes paid to FIFA for the World Cup in Qatar 2022.  My favorite part of that story is when a bank in the Cayman Islands refused to process the nefarious money transfer due to "legality" questions.  That is funny.  The bankers were probably taken aback by the lack of sophistication of the bribery scheme.  And here are the awesome graphics from the Cleveland Cavaliers pregame projection video on the court.

Gifs I've Saved & Forgotten About

Here's Brandon Phillips laughing at an ump who took a line drive to the jewels today.

30 for 30 - The White Mamba

I haven't watched the 30 for 30 on the Big East yet, but I saw this mock trailer for Brian Scalabrine's 30 for 30 documentary.  I haven't been this interested in a 30 for 30 topic since I heard they were drudging up Nancy Kerrigan's bashed-knee screaming video.  In other news, a bunny is suing Playboy for $500,000 for the emotional distress this half-swing to the ass cheeks has brought upon her life.  I'm guessing she doesn't win.

Kill The Prime Minister of Malaysia #ObeyMyDog

I saw this on the news tonight and hate-emailed it back to ABC.  ABC News using the World Trade Center Towers as a unit of measure for how deep a hijacked plane could be in the Indian Ocean is absolutely indefensible.  The graphic already clearly said 15,000 feet.  Totally and completely unnecessary.  On a much lighter note, all of this missing Malaysian flight news coverage has me constantly laughing about the Zoolander brainwash scene.

Speed Reading with Spritz App

I stumbled across this new speed reading app in development called Spritz.  If you follow that link, you can test your own speed reading abilities at different speeds.  I can see all of the words at 600 words per minute, but my comprehension goes down.  According to Spritz, 400 wpm is my sweet spot for reading comprehension - for now.  I'm sure you get better the more you use it, but it's still in development and scheduled for release next week.  If my Kindle can utilize this app, I would be able to read twice as much in half the time.  That's a game changer.

Brandon Weeden Tribute

The Sarah McLachlan background music really makes this video.

Steve Nash's Brutal Honesty

As a Laker fan, this is hard to listen to.  If I were in his shoes, I would want the money too.  The "X" amount of dollars that he has made in his career is $137 million, or $146 million after next season.  Cut that in half for Uncle Sam, divide it in half again for his ex-wife & kids, and you get about $37.5 million.  I'd guess he's already spent $20 million over the last 18 years in the NBA on cars, houses, etc, so the remaining $9 million means he for sure doesn't have to work another day in his life.  I know I'm neglecting his endorsement deals, but I doubt he has any desire to become a talking head in order to keep up the lifestyle he's accustomed to.

What Nash fails to realize is that he is now the AROD of the Lakers franchise.  The largest fanbase in the sport will forever hate him for his selfishness in the twilight of his career.  Enjoy living in Phoenix or America's Hat after next season, cuz I doubt he will want to stick around LA.

Nancy Grace's Twitter

I'll admit that the only time I've ever watched Nancy Grace was one day during the George Zimmerman trial.  She was going berserk, and it was like watching a dumpster fire.  Vice just posted a piece about her batshit crazy tweets.  I'm not going to copy and paste them all here, so click the link and enjoy. #BoxOfInfants #RatBiteFever #DismemberedMom #FetusSnatcher

Off topic, but another strangely awesome follow is Pat Sajak.  He's really conservative, sarcastic, hateful, and hilarious.  I have a whole new perspective on Wheel of Fortune.

Draft Day - Movie Trailer

I wish Kevin Costner would just stick to sports movies.  I'll always have a special place in my heart for Mr. Brooks, but I'm never coming around on Waterworld.  3 Days To Kill in theaters got a 33% on Rotten Tomatoes.  Bull Durham, Field of Dreams, and For The Love Of The Game - let's just hope he can do something other than baseball movies.

Most Interesting Man In The World Explained

Trey Gowdy Can Count On My Vote

Birdman Does Ken Griffey Jr. Impression

After watching Ken Griffey Jr.'s interview last week, I thought it would take a long while for another interview to give me third person awkwardness.  WRONG.  I always assumed Birdman was weird as fuck, but I can't really tell if this whole thing is an act.  He can't be like this in the locker room, can he?  Anything goes when you tattoo your whole neck, but at least he's not getting catfished into statutory rape charges again.  In other news, during Adam Schefter's NFL version of college football signing day, he broke the free agency news on all 62 of these players yesterday.
 

Darrelle Revis
Justin Forsett
Michael Johnson
Adam Vinatieri
DeMarcus Ware
Jonathan Babineaux
Julian Edelman
Andre Caldwell
Owen Daniels
Brice McCain
Thomas Decoud
Karlos Dansby
Donte Whitner
Arthur Jones
Branden Albert
Rodger Saffold
Jared Veidheer
Lamarr Houston
Earl Mitchell
Dexter McCluster
Brandon Myers
Andre Roberts
Shawn Lauvao
Clinton McDonald
Tyson Jackson
Walter Thurmond
Josh McCown
Kevin Ogletree
Eugene Monroe
Kevin Kolb
DJ Williams
Lamar Woodley
Zane Beadles
Dan Carpenter
Adam Hayward
Paul Soliai
Jon Asamoah
O’Brien Schofield
Stevie Brown
Vontae Davis
Malcolm Jenkins
Blaine Gabbert
TJ Ward
Jermichael Finley
Linval Joseph
Darren McFadden
Ryan Mundy
Jairus Byrd
Golden Tate
Charles Tillman
Ahmad Bradshaw
Mike Mitchell
Willie Young
Andrew Hawkins
Julius Peppers
Darren Sproles
Jason Hatcher
Alterraun Verner
Toby Gerhart
Jonathan Martin
Jared Allen
Aqib Talib

And he was retweeted 90,000 times.  Busy day.

Awesome Police Chase

I really hope this video inspires all of you to follow @PCALive on Twitter.  On the off chance that you refresh your Twitter feed when you're near a TV or computer, there is nothing better than watching a live police chase.  Nothing.  And this is proof.

PS - I saw this tweeted out, but I couldn't watch it in live since I'm in a client's office.  Such a drag.

Jonathan Martin To The 49ers

In the most predictable move of this offseason, Jonathan Martin has reunited with Jim Harbaugh in San Francisco.  I'm far more interested in the future lawsuits Martin is going to serve the Dolphins & the NFL.  Not sure what the statute of limitations is regarding workplace harassment, but I imagine that Martin will be ineligible if and when he sues the NFL.

Also, I'm sure Martin is actively recruiting Michael Sam on behalf of the 49ers for another homosexual in the locker room.  I hope Pete Carroll picks up Richie Incognito on the cheap just to spite Harbaugh.  And as a Seahawks fan, this is how we all feel about the news of Jonathan Martin and the Broncos wildly over-spending during the first day of free agency.

The End of Rick Reilly Makes Me Sad

Deadspin just posted about Rick Reilly being phased out as a writer for ESPN.  As much as I have not read him since he switched over to the Mothership, I still feel that comical sports writers are a dying breed.  Bill Simmons has picked up his mantle and then some at Grantland, but I will forever remember reading the back page of Sports Illustrated before ever opening the magazine.  Some might think this akin to eating dessert before dinner, but I think it actually got me to read more of the actual magazine.  It just didn't feel like a chore to read after laughing at his weekly take.

The worst part about this announcement is that he is now going to be relegated to televised human-interest stories before large sporting events.  No more writing, which is the only thing he used to be good at.  Now his entire shtick is essentially a poor man's David Feherty.  Sad day.

UPDATE - Here is Reilly's piece on Greg Norman's collapse at the Masters in 1996.  It's perfect.

LA KISS Uniforms Are Literally Fire

Awesome choice going with the most tatted up guy on the roster to model these glorious flames, as it almost looks like flames down his arms as well.  I was curious if the LA KISS were going to look like the Raiders, but the flame uniforms are fierce.  The pyrotechnics at their games are going to be beyond shameless.  Here's Paul Stanley, modeling with the helmet he designed (and his love gun).

Cowabunga, Dude!

The Fresno Grizzlies, the Triple A affiliate for the San Francisco Giants, are wearing these Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles jerseys for a few games this season.  My childhood is a big fan of this.  In other news, Gawker posted the spliced video of Justin Bieber's deposition, and it's an Academy Award winning performance on how to be an asshole.  The wink, the collar straightening, and general disdain for the whole experience shows his lack of remorse.  It was interesting hearing him get touchy about Selena Gomez though.  So smug with this response too.

Woman Sorta Wins LA Marathon

Los Angeles - Amane Gobena of Ethiopia won the "gender" challenge on Sunday at the Los Angeles Marathon. Gobena won $50,000 for finishing "first" in the race and another $25,000 for being the first woman to cross the finish line.  Gebo Burka of Ethiopia won the men's race and had the fastest time, at 2:10:37, but since the women get a 17:41 head start, Gobena finished 41 seconds ahead of Burka with a time of 2:27:37.  Burka won $25,000 for winning the men's race. 

When I decided to click on this article, I was genuinely expecting that a woman won the LA Marathon.  The headline made zero sense to me, so I had to follow up.  The whole story is a feminists worst nightmare.  Quite the battle of the sexes after the 17 minute and 41 second handicap is just brushed aside as standard operating procedure.  Let me take another stab at that last sentence.  

 

"Gobena finished 17 minutes behind Burka with a time of 2:27:37, but Gobena wins Burka's additional $50,000 for not finishing 17 minutes and 42 seconds behind him."

Fair is fair.