USC Crushes Fresno State 52-13, UCLA needs 3 Defensive TDs to Win

The thorough shellacking at the Coliseum yesterday was exactly what the Trojan Family needed after just about the worst week ever.  Kessler looks fantastic, and we have too many options at wide receiver.  We never went 5-wide at any point yesterday, but it appears we could start about 6 or 7 different players opposite Nelson Agholor.  Juju Smith & Adoree Jackson are going to be extremely fun to watch for the next couple of years.  Two absolute beasts on both sides of the ball.

UCLA needed three defensive touchdowns in the 2nd quarter against Virginia in order to sneak by a very inferior team.  Heisman hopeful Brett Hundley didn't even have a touchdown through the air.  His happy feet in the pocket are even worse than last year, so as long as you take away his legs, UCLA won't be blowing anybody away.  Myles Jack was fairly invisible, but I see he assisted on twice as many tackles as the next guy.  Sounds like some generous stat-padding.  Fuck them both.

And this video gets me so fucking pumped for the rest of the season.  Kevin Sumlin is the shit.

Most Plausible Josh Shaw Explanation Revealed

I realize all of these Josh Shaw stories have to be taken with a grain of salt, especially if someone is a Jim Rome "Clone" and is already operating under the @NephewOJoshShaw twitter handle.  Either way, I believe this story is the most plausible one we've heard up until this point.  This story claims that Shaw was hooking up with his girlfriend's roommate when his girlfriend came back to the apartment.  The jumping out of the window makes perfect in this scenario.  Shaw fucked up by giving USC the same line of bullshit he fed his girlfriend (and LAPD) to keep her off his trail.  It also makes sense that it would be filed as a burglary if said nosy neighbor called the cops due to suspicious activity.  Shaw was just hoping USC was still operating under the "no injury updates" mantra Lane Kiffin handled so well with the media.  Instead the USC Athletic Department ran a heart-warming story about its newly-minted captain.  The rest is history / internet fodder.

In other news that doesn't depress me, Russell Wilson took some heat from Internet trolls about his supposed erection in this Sports Illustrated cover.  What these people are clearly forgetting is that Super Bowl victories add 1 extra whole inch to your penis.  It's science.  Ask Terry Bradshaw.  Also, Kaepernick is the only QB out of the 8 used for the regional covers to go shirtless.  If you can't win the big game, you have to do something to stand out.

I retweeted this last week, but it clearly hasn't gotten enough love.  About as good as it gets.

Josh Shaw Admits He Lied About Nephew

So I don't know why it took as long as it did, but this afternoon Josh Shaw finally fessed up about fabricating the Palmdale drowning nephew story.  It appears he was at his girlfriend's USC apartment, and the cops were called due to loud screaming.  After the police knocked on the door, an eyewitness reported someone fitting Shaw's description "shimmying" down the building.  His girlfriend's 3rd floor balcony was 20 feet off the ground.  I don't know why he felt the need to run from the cops, but now he has dueling high-ankle sprains.

Sarkisian announced Shaw has suspended from all team activities indefinitely, and I imagine it will probably stay that way for the rest of the season.  At best Sark will sit him out a few games once he comes back from his injuries.  I've never been more worried about a game against Fresno State.  Our team couldn't have been focused on football for the past two days.  I still think we win but don't cover the 21 points.

I have no idea why Josh Shaw would make up some an unnecessary lie.  It's insanely stupid.  I did appreciate his sister Asia Shaw speaking to USA Today as his ironclad alibi.  There are still so many unanswered questions.  Why did he flea?  If his girlfriend was assaulted, the cops would have a record of an assault instead of an attempted robbery.  Did he actually steal anything?  Why has he lawyered up?  It'll be interesting to see his lawyer's statement this afternoon, but I doubt it will address any of these lingering questions.  At least it wasn't a fake dead girlfriend, but I'm already sick of the drowning nephew jokes.

In other news, I laughed my ass off to Rick Neuhiesel's "Stairway to Playoffs" parody in the car this morning.  He's remarkably talented in comparison to that bumbling idiot coach who got blown out fifty to nothing.

Monday Afternoon Randomness

This picture got to the front page of reddit, and now I am just trying to figure out how to get one of these desk hammocks to market.  Shark Tank here I come!  In all seriousness though, I would pay $100 for that piece of shit craftsmanship, so I think this idea might have legs.  Pardon the pun. 

My sister turned me onto this extremely cool presentation from a very successful 30 year old entrepreneur named Ryan Allis.  If you have some time to kill, this never-ending pdf called Lessons From My 20s provides a ton a fantastic ideas and great motivation for lazy slackers like me.
Download here.

After stumbling through some random time-lapse videos, I found this one of soccer fans pouring out of Wembley Stadium after a game between England & Brazil in 2012.  That looks awful, as I'm sure I would get claustrophobic in the middle of that cattle herd.

And last but not least, a minor league umpire strapped a GoPro to his mask for some perspective on 97 mph pitching.  The 1st pitch is fun to see because the curveball scared the batter a little.  That 2nd pitch even made me flinch at my computer screen.  I'm fairly certain that I never could've gotten around on the 3rd pitch.  Enjoy.

USC Safety Josh Shaw Saves Nephew

On Saturday night, senior USC defensive back Josh Shaw was named one of the 6 team captains at the annual Salute to Troy dinner & only hours later unmistakeably proved Sarkisian's point.  Shaw was at a family party in Palmdale on a 2nd story balcony when he saw his 7 year-old nephew struggling to stay afloat in a pool on the ground floor.  With little regard for his personal safety, Shaw jumped off the balcony and landed hard on the pavement.  Despite the pain in Shaw's legs, he was able to save his traumatized nephew.  After going to the hospital, Shaw was diagnosed with two high ankle sprains from the heroic maneuver.  High ankle sprains have a tendency to linger, so it's safe to assume USC's defense will be without his services for approximately two months.  Luckily defensive back is one of the positions will some depth, but USC will be sure miss Shaw in the next few games.

Jurassic Park Grandpa Richard Attenborough Died

I went to bed hoping Suge Knight would be the 3rd Celebrity to die after Robin Williams and Lauren Bacall.  Instead I woke up with the horrifying news of Richard Attenborough's passing.  Attenborough was an uncanny Kris Kringle, and he was awesome as Big X in The Great Escape, but he will always be John Hammond to my generation.  Now I desperately need to watch Jurassic Park and Jeff Goldblum.  And it must be before football season starts up again on Thursday night.  On a related note, I laughed out loud when I saw this hilariously awful trailer on reddit last week.  After the Jurassic Park mania, Theodore Rex somehow got green-lit and "spared no expense" in becoming the most expensive direct-to-video film ever made at the time of its release.  Theodore Rex also has the distinction of being the only direct-to-video film ever nominated for a Razzie.

Tiger Woods Finally Fires Coach Sean Foley

I'm used to Tiger being a complete asshole, but this blowup at the WGC-Bridgestone Invitational woke me up to exactly how unhappy he was. I read an article earlier this month about one of Sean Foley's former students who implored Tiger to leave his coach "on the range."  Paul Azinger said that he never had a two-way miss off the tee for more than a day.  Right-handed players should be able to eliminate the left side off the tee.  I really can't believe Tiger was able to score as well as he did spraying the ball all over the lot this year.

The question is who Tiger will turn to next.  Hopefully he can find a coach that can take some of the torque off his back.  Tiger would never swallow his pride and ask Butch Harmon to coach him up again.  On that same token, I'm not sure Butch would take him back with his current stable of young stars.  Butch's lineage of golfers includes Fred Couples, Greg Norman, Ernie Els, Phil Michelson, Stewart Cink, Nick Watney, Gary Woodland, Dustin Johnson, Jimmy Walker, Rickie Fowler, and of course Tiger Woods from 1993-2003.  My guess is we've never heard of his next swing coach.  And drunken punter Pat McAfee with a topical celebration last night.

50 Cent Says Floyd Mayweather Can't Read, Is Correct

50 Cent threw down this "challenge" yesterday, and I incorrectly thought he was just sick of the Ice Bucket videos.  My roommate reminded me that they have been beefing for years, which I knew nothing about.  After a very small investigation, it seems Mayweather refused to pay for his part of the new TMT (The Money Team) Promotions.  50 Cent, who renamed his new independent venture SMS Promotions, is rightfully still heated about the "seven figures" Floyd supposedly owes him.  I believe 50 Cent wholeheartedly, especially since Floyd Mayweather is about as trustworthy as Al Sharpton. Long story not short enough, 50 Cent knows Floyd Mayweather can't read.  Here's proof.

Offering someone $750,000 to record themselves reading one page of a book while knowing full well they can't read is some next level hate.  The fire and vitriol I spew on these pages have nothing on 50 Cent's Master Troll status.  He then upped the ante with his next Instagram, hilariously downgrading the reading level to Dr. Seuss' "The Cat in the Hat," but the Kimmel part has to be a non-starter.

In other news, Snoop Dogg went on a rant about how much he hates Steelers OC Todd Haley.  No one is going to disagree with Snoop's assessment, as Todd Haley is almost as bad a play caller as Brian Schottenheimer or Lane Kiffin.  I would've lost my ass betting Snoop was a Raiders fan.

Humpday Laughs

The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge has clearly run its course, but now we have to wade through all of the people that feel left out or have no friends.  Instagram & Facebook have been a joke.  I almost want to design one of those Unbaby.me Apps, but instead of removing baby pictures, it rids your timeline of the coming flood of charity "awareness" challenges.  Planned Parenthood knows a money grab when it sees one, so unless guys are challenged to check women for lumps, I will be abstaining from Susan G. Komen's bastardization of the month of October.

In other news, Rick Perry was indicted last week on hilariously bogus abuse of power charges.  The indictment came about because this drunk cunt of DA, Rosemary Lehmberg, refused to resign even after this video of her .23 BAC DUI booking.  She beat my .19 BAC, so there is a minimum level of respect here.  Her refusal is comical in light of the video evidence, so Rick Perry exercised his clearly delineated veto power blocking funding to her department in order to force her resignation.  This is grammar school Politics 101.  The fact that some insanely-biased grand jury granted this indictment is shocking in itself.  Either way, this whole charade down in Texas gave way to the smuggest, boojee-est, most shit-eating grin mugshot I've ever seen.  And this juxtaposition of these Republican vs. Democrat mugshots is just too perfect for me to describe with words.

And Blake Bortles' fiancee Lindsey Duke still looks OK in a bikini.

Morning Melons With Britt McHenry

ESPN has been giving Britt McHenry a more prominent role at the network, and I can't say that I blame them.  Never have I had this much trouble deciding between which pictures to post.  There were just too many amazing photos of this ex-soccer player turned sports reporter.  I've always thought she was hot, but I didn't think she was my new Helen of Troy.  Enjoy.

Oh yeah, she loves Kobe Bryant and playing golf as well.

The knee bend for her short-ass boyfriend made me laugh too.  Trade up Britt.  Literally.

New Duracell Commercials Are Complete Bullshit

You know what really grinds my gears?  I complimented Duracell on their ad campaign last season, and then they decide to wash away all of that goodwill by releasing this insanely dumb & condescending commercial.  Any real football fan knows it's complete bullshit that an offensive / defensive coordinator would be allowed to talk to their quarterback / linebacker at all times.  The headset inside the helmet shuts off with 15 seconds left on the play clock, and whether you thought it was 10 or 15 seconds, this commercial assumes that all fans are dumb enough not to notice. 

And I giggled a little the other day when I remembered this video.  Out of all the penalties in the preseason, I still haven't heard one of these called yet.

David Letterman's Tribute To Robin Williams

I wasn't really prepared to chop onions at my computer twice today, but the montage at the end of this tribute to Robin Williams got me pretty good.  I have never liked David Letterman, but I appreciate how coked out him, Richard Pryor, and Robin look in this picture.  Pauly Shore used to tell stories about catching all sorts of comedians cocaine in the basement of The Comedy Store.  Even without Robin's history of drug problems, it's not hard to imagine that he had to be on some sort of uppers for the physical comedy he so loved to share.

College Football Playoff - Preseason Predictions

With Ohio State taking a giant leap backwards after the news of Braxton Miller's injury yesterday, I feel like it's time for a breakdown of how I think the new College Football Playoff is going to play out.  Everyone from the SEC is expecting to get two teams into the playoff, and they are probably right.  I predict Bama, LSU, & Auburn are the only ones vying for a spot by season's end.  Ohio State & Michigan State are the most likely candidates out of the Big Ten.  Baylor and Oklahoma are the likely Big-12 teams.  Oh yeah, Florida State is getting in the playoff even if they have a loss, so I'm considering them guaranteed.  The only way FSU doesn't get into the playoff is if Jameis Winston's held accountable for the crimes he will undoubtedly commit this season.  Don't hold your breath.

In my opinion, the Pac-12 is the most up for grabs, and therefore in the most precarious position.  USC, UCLA, Stanford, the Oregons, and both Zona schools all truly believe they can win their divisions.  I predict that the Pac-12 will cannibalize itself to the point where the conference champion will have a minimum of two losses.  This is a very serious problem for the Pac-12. 

I guarantee there are more than four undefeated or 1-loss teams after the conference championship games.  So that leaves us with this very poignant question - Will a 1-loss Big-10 team, a 1-loss Big-12 team, or the SEC runner-up keep out a 2-loss Pac-12 team?  Short answer - YES.  Thus, I'm predicting an absolute shitshow for these last two slots in the playoff come December.  My best guess would be FSU, Bama, Ohio State/Michigan State, and Auburn/LSU.  What east coast bias?

And as far as I can tell, these new Notre Dame undershirts are not a joke.

Which Girl Would You Choose?

I saw Barstool posted the above video of this chick absolutely destroying the mechanical bull, and it got me to thinking...  Is this the sexiest fully-clothed video of all time?  I had to reach into the back of my memory for the next hottest clothed video of the hula hoop chick.  After watching the beezy on the mechanical bull a few times, I'm convinced she works at this bar and puts on this show on the reg.  The hula hoop milf looks more natural with her moves, but the inherent sluttiness of riding the bull shines through and just screams sex right in your face.  And the reverse cowgirl was entirely unnecessary but probably the best part.

And this is the funniest Ice "Bucket" Challenge I've seen yet.

LLWS Coach Brings On The Feels

Just a quintessential post-game speech by this coach from Rhode Island.  I'm not sure a Hollywood writer could've brought on the feels as much as Coach Dave Belisle did during this off the cuff speech to his little leaguers.  I've watched this speech multiple times, just hoping that I can hang on to some of his sentiment for the rest of my life.  And this 4'8" bomber from Mexico named Ruy Martinez is more than a 2nd baseman.  Check out this awesomely compact swing.

A Monkey Never Craps

As I've said before, I could listen to Munenori Kawasaki give interviews all day long.  The Angels took a very mediocre 2 out of 3 games from Texas while the A's were swept by the Braves this weekend.  With the Halos a game up in the division and owning the best record in baseball, things are looking up this week.  The rest of this post is completely random shit that made me laugh over the weekend.

2 Weeks Til Kickoff

I've had USC football on the brain so much recently, it's only fair if I get the rest of my readers in the correct mindset as well as kickoff is just 15 days away.  The dog days of summer (Read: baseball) flew by even faster than normal.  I saw someone cleverly refer to this as Sark Week to Steve Sarkisian, and I couldn't agree more.  Shark Week seems stale and unoriginal, thus I need more.

Las Vegas has USC's season win total at 9 games right now.  Given our depth, I think winning 9-10 games is quite a longshot.  I expect our team to be a the mercy of our offensive line for a 7-8 win season in 2014.  We have one redshirt freshman and three true freshmen expecting to play on the O-line this season.  If we stay healthy, I fully expect us to have the best defense in the Pac-12.  With the exception of Jabari Ruffin, the defense is shaping up even better than I could've imagined.  Leonard Williams is getting spoken about in some circles like a smaller JaDeveon Clowney who the college football world has yet to see at 100%.  Juju Smith and Adoree Jackson are pushing for playing time on both sides of the ball.  USC is so loaded at wide receiver that players are looking for alternatives to get on the field.  Hopefully one of them can eat themselves into a backup tight end.  If we can run the ball behind this line, Buck Allen should have an electrifying year, with bruiser Tre Madden finishing off the Thunder & Lightning duo.  If Kessler can keep his head on straight, Nelson Agholor could have video game numbers this season as well.

I didn't even mention George Farmer, Sports Illustrated's comeback player of the year candidate.  I didn't even mention Darreus Rogers, who plays like Dez Bryant and was recently awarded the #1.  That number has essentially been retired since Mike Williams left school too early.  And I didn't mention Steven Mitchell, debatably the 2nd best high school football player I've ever seen.

I officially made the move from Rivals to Scout.com today, so the jury is still out on the new website.  I'm sure I'll get used to it like I always do with Facebook, but it sort of feels like the end of an era.  Although not fair, leaving Rivals at the end of the sanctions with the team on the upswing just seems right.  We're on to bigger & better things.

Notre Dame Admits To Academic Fraud

It was just announced Notre Dame has dismissed 4 football players for academic fraud on campus that conflicts with the school's honor code - WR DaVaris Daniels, DB KeiVarae Russell, DL Ishaq Williams, and LB Kendall Moore (here only to fuck up this superfecta of mad n****rish names).  This comes literally just days after Brian Kelly named Everett Golson the starter, after Golson missed all of last season because of a supposedly separate academic honor code violation.  Are we to believe that he learned his lesson and wasn't involved this time around?  Of course we are.

Notre Dame clearly has cheaters running rampant, rapists (especially of the football playing variety) getting a pass from the school, and hoaxes about fake girlfriends while knowingly lying about the situation in order to save face before a big game.  Worst of all, as the Big East crumbled, Notre Dame just looked for the weakest of the Power 5 conferences, then cuckolded the ACC into adding them while refusing to share any of the football revenue.  The place is run by a handful of absolute pussies masquerading as conference-savvy businessmen. Their daunting in-conference opponents now include North Carolina, Wake Forest, NC State, Louisville (PETRINO'S BACK!!!), Syracuse, Maryland, and Virginia.  Their schedule gets easier and they don't have to give up a cent.

Fuck Notre Dame.

30 For 30 Short - Danny Almonte

I've long been waiting for one of the 30 for 30's to breakdown the biggest fraud in Little League World Series history - Danny Almonte.  Only a team from the Bronx could send out a 14 year old against a bunch of prepubescent 12 year olds without any reservations.  Only a baseball player from the Dominican could try to garner sympathy for lying about his age.  The worst part about this 30 for 30 is that it just raises more questions about Albert Pujols' age.

In other strange Angels news, I was just trying to figure out how many Cy Young award winners had also won the MVP, and I'm pleased to announce that Mike Trout has already been named the 2014 AL MVP.  This sort of thing reminds me of how rigged the NBA currently is with Lebron releasing these "2-Time Champion" shoes before they barely snuck by the Spurs last year.

Johnny Football Is Going To Start

I'll admit it - I did not originally expect for Johnny Manziel to start week 1 of this season.  I still don't think he should be the starter yet, but Hoyer's got as much of a chance as Mark Sanchez did with the Jets last year.  In other news, Ron Goldman's mother is auctioning her stake in the OJ Simpson civil judgment for cents on the dollar.  I'm guessing this means that she is either penniless, or she has gotten some early news about OJ's deteriorating health in prison.  The settlement was originally for $9 million, but the auction house says with interest it's worth nearly $24.7 million.  The online auction has a Buy It Now option for $1 million, so hopefully some Good Samaritan will clear The Juice's debts before he gets released on good behavior.  And lastly, Norm Macdonald gave a tribute to Robin Williams on Twitter last night that needs to be remembered.

Reddit /r/TooSoon's Take On The Robin Williams News

Since I think Robin Williams would want us to find humor in any situation, I'm posting the very best "Too Soon" jokes that Reddit has to offer.  I couldn't agree more with the meme about thankfully saving us from the Mrs. Doubtfire sequel.  If you have a problem with these, you need to work on your sense of humor.

Rory McIlroy Even With Nicklaus' Major Pace

I saw this graphic yesterday over on Nate Silver's FiveThirtyEight blog now on ESPN.  I had a few different takeaways from this chart.  First, Tiger's plateau jumps off the page.  It makes you wonder where Tiger would be if only the CyberDust app was invented 7 or 8 years earlier.  I was also surprised that 14 other players have reached 4 or more majors.  I would not have guessed 17 players even had 3 majors each, but I now know that number is even greater.  Also, I know it is still very early, but I can see Rory with closing speed rivaling Super Cop below.

 

I loved Rory slamming his glass of champagne in everyone's faces.  Parties.

5th Grade Talent Show Synchronized Swimming

This video is pretty hilarious, since it really does look like the talent shows we had growing up.  And now I have a serious Jones-ing to watch Caddyshack today.  I should probably be able to fix that, but the Angels vs. Phillies game might get in the way.

Robert Flores Drops Amazing F Bomb

Just one of the clearest and least accidental sounding F bombs in ESPN history.  It almost seems like it was on the teleprompter.  Chip Kelly having a special moment with his headset is extra weird, and this Dish commercial with Matt Leinart & the Boz made me laugh.  I had to look up Heath Shuler, thankfully now a defunct Democratic congressman from North Carolina after being ranked the 4th largest NFL Draft bust of all time. How much do you think Leinart was paid for this self-deprecating role in this meaningless commercial?  $25-50K?  I'm not sure I would voluntarily jump into a commercial that labels me a complete bust, but I also don't think Blake Griffin shouldn't be the only supporting Bryn Cameron's whoreish lifestyle.

BCS Music History

The Abbey Road picture of the Beatles was taken 45 years ago today.  On the opposite end of the music spectrum, Notorious B.I.G.'s "Juicy" came out 20 years ago today as well.  It's going to be a very random playlist for the rest of the day.

Alex Trebek Is My Hero

Paulie Pabst from the DP Show tweeted out Trebek's exact words, "I've never exercised... ever."  As if I needed one more reason to love Alex Trebek's snarky ass.  And this is the dumbest attempt at a Wheel of Fortune Bama shirt, but I really expect nothing less from those inbred morons down south.  "Mr. Sajak, I'd like to buy only one of the three U's in the puzzle."  And why are the unused tiles not white?  Just a piss poor effort all the way around.  But at least I get to bring up the best Wheel of Fortune spoof ever.

Lots Of Stuff Going Into The Weekend

Listening to Swaggy P's Mom in this video is the funniest thing I've heard in a while.  "He don't want to get in the sand, he boojee."  After a quick check of Urban Dictionary, I found out "boojee" is jive for bourgeois.  That's some ghetto-fabulous shit if I've ever heard it.

Gruden decides to put some Hooters girls through training camp, and it's fairly boobtastic.  Somehow the only thing I came away with is the need to know how many of those Hooters girls Chucky groped and/or banged on that football field.  He has crazy eyes at least twice in the video, and at other parts he seemed like a guy who had just B'd his L on some T's. 

Jason Sudeikis returns as coach Ted Lasso in the better rendition of this joke for NBC.  Last year's version was okay, but they had a lot more material to work with after the World Cup this summer.  I'm still waiting for the Jags to be relegated, making way for Alabama to take their spot in the AFC South.  You may think that I'm joking, but then you should read this NY Times article about the NCAA rule changes from yesterday.

And then by popular demand, this pube-faced Michigan bro gives one of the greatest local news tv post-party interviews of all time.  It's up there with my all-time favorite post-party interview, "I'm not taking off my glasses."  The cameraman panning to the passed out kid is about as good as it gets.

Thursday Morning Randomness

Greg Oden has never looked more like Greg Oden than he does in this mugshot.  Classy and understated Ohio State shirt as well.  There's news out of China that Ron Artest, aka Metta World Peace, has decided to change his name again for his time in China.  A direct quote from his Twitter reads, "I'm changing my name for the China this season !!!"  So for "the China," his new name will be the obvious choice - Panda Friend.  For Shark Week next week, they are debuting a show about a Shark Cam they made to follow great white sharks in their natural habitat.  As you can see below, the shark was clearly not amused.

 

And yesterday a group of Russian activists decided to wish President Obama a very racist and very sarcastic happy birthday on the side of the U.S. embassy in Moscow.