Madison Bumgarner's Wife Is A Real Looker

 

Congratulations to these high school sweethearts for the $220mil contract he is going to sign in 2018.  I just hope he doesn't pull a Russell Wilson on Mrs. Bumgarner right before he gets paid.  She's probably really nice.

Chevy Guy Does Office Space Hypnotist Impression

We decided to watch a movie last night after the Giants closed out the Royals in Game 7 of the World Series, but then Twitter came alive with Chevy Guy love/hate.  All I could hear throw Rikk Wilde's heavy breathing, heart attack inducing 45 second spot was the hypnotist from Office Space dying.  Eerily similar.  Although it appears that Madison Bumgarner had already met with quite a few relaxation therapists.

Jose Canseco Shoots Off His Own Finger

People that have been with BCS from the beginning know that Jose Canseco is one of my all-time favorite trainwrecks.  He's such a fucking moron, it's truly amazing just waiting for his next idiotic mishap.  When he isn't getting sued for defamation from just about every major leaguer from the late 80's and 90's, he's getting pulled over with fainting goats in diapers shitting all over his backseat.  But even that can't hold a candle to this imbecile's most recent exploit.  While cleaning one of his 4 guns in the kitchen of his Vegas home last night, he shot off his left middle finger.  Gun safety is pretty easy as long as you have enough brain power to fog a mirror, but Can'tseco is even too retarded to check the chamber after releasing the clip.  I doubt he's going to be trying out for many more minor league teams without his most important finger for the haters. 

In other news, the Texas A&M helmets made to look like leatherheads are really sweet.

Kobe Calling Howard Soft Is As Hateful As Kobe Gets

Reports are that Kobe called Howard a "Teddy Bear" & "Soft" all while daring Dwight to "try me."  There is nothing in the world I would've loved to have seen last night than Kobe beating the ever-loving shit out of that colossal pussy.  I'm watching this gif of Kobe calling him soft all day.

Charles Barkley "There Are A Lot Of Black People Who Are Unintelligent"

Charles Barkley was on a Philadelphia radio show when he was asked his opinion on the allegations Russell Wilson wasn't black enough.  Barkley had some profound comments that I'll simply leave here in their entirety.

"We as black people are never going to be successful, not because of you white people, but because of other black people. When you are black, you have to deal with so much crap in your life from other black people.  For some reason we are brainwashed to think, if you're not a thug or an idiot, you're not black enough. If you go to school, make good grades, speak intelligent, and don't break the law, you're not a good black person. It's a dirty, dark secret in the black community.  There are a lot of black people who are unintelligent, who don't have success. It's best to knock a successful black person down because they're intelligent, they speak well, they do well in school, and they're successful. It's just typical BS that goes on when you're black, man."

And that meme of "Kim K's married more people than Ebola has killed" was lame.  Upgraded.

Déjà Vu For USC at Utah

While I’m excited to wear my FIRE WILCOX t-shirt to the Cal game in couple Thursdays, I feel like my anger might be misplaced.  Steve Sarkisian has completely lost the USC fanbase.  The level of coaching ineptitude being discussed at my airport gate in Salt Lake City was staggering.  Everybody I talked to had a different hateful take on a separate, awful Sark’s decision.  The most egregious coaching mistake I’ve seen since the ASU debacle was the 3^rd Down & 2 late in the game.  Given the 25 mph headwind, kicking a 45 yard field goal was clearly out of the question.  Anyone that doesn’t understand that doesn’t understand physics.  Since we were clearly in 4 down territory, you have to run the ball on 3^rd down, not only because you just should, but also because you have to make Utah use their last timeout.  This is elementary school game/clock management, and Sarkisian clearly doesn’t have the brainpower to understand any of this.  I’ve literally seen children understand the clock in Madden better than Sark.  He’s fucking dumb.  Instead, Utah was given the ball back with a timeout they never should’ve had, making it even more difficult on Wilcox’s gassed defense by not only needing to guard the sidelines.  Don’t take this in any way as me giving Wilcox’s laughable prevent defense a pass.  He’s so unbelievably in over his head, it’s truly hard to put into words.

The officiating was predictably terrible.  The officials allowed the lateral on the second play of the game to continue without a whistle, granting them a touchdown that was unable to be overturned by a replay they didn't have.  But to all of our great surprise, the officials blew Adoree Jackson’s forced fumble and recovery dead instead of watching his 2nd 100+ return TD of the game.  Funny how that works.  Leonard Williams and Scott Felix were tackled no less than 3 times each, but Utah did not have a single solitary holding penalty versus USC’s stout defensive line.  How’s that possible you may ask?  It’s simple – Fuck USC and the horse they rode in on.  The screengrab above of Utah’s final touchdown with 8 ticks left, and it was a carbon copy of the play Notre Dame got flagged for last week.  I wouldn’t have thrown a flag on either play, as these rub routes happen all the time.  But it still needs to be pointed out that he is clearly illegally blocking before the ball is out.

And now for the Sarkisian apologists. My buddies and I have a group chat about USC Football, and I am seriously considering disbanding the group (I’m the admin) after the excuses being thrown around. Comparisons to Pete Carroll’s 6-6 first season are comical to me. Not only did USC progress throughout the 2001 season, but Carroll had far inferior athletes. We also came out and played better in the 2nd halves throughout that season. How’s your confidence coming out of halftime this season? Sark’s team has regressed to the point that players like George Farmer are left at home for bitching about play-calling and lack of playing time. Can you blame him? Telfer was wide open the entire game, and he was only targeted once for 21 yards. I shudder to think of the 700 yards Connor Halliday is going to hang on Wilcox next Saturday. Leach is going to pick our young secondary apart even worse than Arizona State’s backup already did. On an unfortunate note, left tackle Chad Wheeler tore up his left knee, but now I don’t have to worry about him hauling ass from this dumpster fire of a coaching staff. Small victories.

And putting a GoPro on a bottle of Fireball at a wedding is genius.  The fake swigs make me laugh.

Leaving For Mormonland Today

I'm headed to Salt Lake City today to visit my sister and hopefully watch a Trojan victory late Saturday night.  I'm literally going gun shopping as soon as I land, since California's ultra-lib gun laws make it impossible here.  On an unrelated note, there's some new phone app called PhotoMath, and as you can see, high school teachers are fucked.  I thought cheating on my TI-83 was some next level deception, but I guess this app should only ruin homework from this day forward.  And PK Subban of the Montreal Canadiens is currently in the lead for best Halloween costume.

Willis Reed Fighting Lakers Team Is Amazing

Just haymakers and elbows everywhere as Willis Reed broke two jaws, busted an eye socket, and broke someone else's nose.  Deadspin says Willis Reed & Rudy LaRusso were fined $50 each for starting the fight.  Panda Friend can't believe how much he got railroaded.

2015 SEC Out Of Conference Schedules Are A Complete Joke

Last week the SEC released their collective out of conference schedules for the 2015 season, and they are even more laughable than you would've expected.  While all 4 other members of the Power 5 conferences play 9 game schedules, the SEC plays only 8 conference games.  They do this for a myriad of reasons, but mainly in order to secure another cupcake for each team.  But that doesn't just mean an extra easy win for each team, IT ALLOWS THE SEC TO AVOID AN EXTRA 7 AUTOMATIC LOSSES FOR THE CONFERENCE.  That's why so many SEC teams go to bowl games.  No other reason.  While the rest of us have to win 6 tough games, they only have to win 5.  The SEC long ago adjusted to the rules away from losing late in the season, so much so that now half of their out of conference games are late in the season.  SEC Commission Mike Slive even made a point of making a special announcement that in-conference games will no longer be held during the opening week of the season (starting in 2016, which he muttered under his breath).  Between the 14 teams in the SEC, they have a total of 56 out of conference games during the 2015 season.

Alabama - Wisconsin (game in TX), Mid Tennessee, Louisiana-Monroe, Charleston Southern
Arkansas - UTEP, Toledo, Texas Tech, UT Martin
Auburn - Louisville (game in GA), Jacksonville State, San Jose State, Idaho
Florida - New Mexico State, East Carolina, Florida Atlantic, Florida State
Georgia - Louisiana-Monroe, Southern, Georgia Southern, @ Georgia Tech
Kentucky - Louisiana-Lafayette, Eastern Kentucky, Charlotte, Louisville
LSU - McNeese State, @ Syracuse, Eastern Michigan, Western Kentucky
Ole Miss - UT Martin, Fresno State, New Mexico State, @ Memphis
Mississippi State - @ Southern Miss, Northwestern, Troy, Louisiana Tech
Missouri - Southeast Missouri State, @ Arkansas State, UConn, __________
South Carolina - North Carolina, UCF, The Citadel, Clemson
Tennessee - UAB (game in TN), Oklahoma, Western Carolina, North Texas
Texas A&M -  ASU (game in TX), Ball State, Nevada, Western Carolina
Vanderbilt - Western Kentucky, Austin Peay, @ Mid Tennessee, @ Houston

11 out of 56 games vs. Power 5 conference teams
7 out of 56 games are true road games
5 out of 56 games are compelling/interesting (not including rivalries)
4 out of 56 games at "neutral" (not neutral at all) fields
1 out of 56 games played north of Mason Dixon Line
0 out of 56 games played west of Dallas, TX

So to sum up - They play no one.  They never travel out of the South.  Their in-conference strength of schedule is never questioned, even though they played no one out of conference for any sort of measurable reference.  We, the silent majority in the Power 4, will never concede defeat and change to an 8 game schedule, so we will just continue cannibalizing ourselves without ever attempting to force the SEC to play by the same rules (or just make them have 7 wins for a bowl). And this ugly yet predictable cycle will perfectly deliver 2 SEC teams into the final 4 playoff in both 2014 & 2015.

Original Zoolander Skit From 1996 VH1 Fashion Awards

Somehow this original skit for Zoolander had escaped me until now, and it's surprisingly funny for how rough the idea must've been.  I always wonder how much is scripted vs. ad-libbed in those comedies, but Ben Stiller appears to more or less have had the entire movie already laid out in his head all the way back in 1996.  Zoolander the movie didn't come out until 2001.  Enjoy.

UCLA Commit Josh Rosen "I want to win for a school that isn’t used to winning.”

It's rare that a quote comes along on a Scout.com article that perfectly encapsulates exactly how you feel, but UCLA recruit Josh Rosen just comes right out and says what USC fans are all too happy to hear.  “The reason I love UCLA so much is because I want to win for a school that isn’t used to winning,” said Rosen.  I couldn't have said it better myself.  "I want to show a bunch of losers what it's like to win" just doesn't roll off the tongue the same way.  In other news, Kelly Slater is still pioneering news tricks with a 540 in Portugal.  He's 42.

Lost My Phone This Weekend :(

Monica Lewinsky joined Twitter this morning, which leads me to believe that she clearly doesn't understand the Twittersphere in the slightest.  One of the first comments on her inane tweet was about how she should block all of the haters.  I loled at that since that would literally be a full-time blowjob. Then I saw this Beats by Drapple commercial with LeBron James, and other than the obvious prodigal son returns BS, I just noticed how wired and not "wireless" these headphones are.  You can vividly see the wires from the image before the video plays.  Am I on crazy pills?

Betting Ticket - Week 8

I had the under in the Utah game last night, so watching it go over on a touchdown on the last play of double overtime was a tough way to start the weekend.  I forgot I had Utah -2½, so they just cancelled each other out in the end.  After going 4-5-1 last weekend, here's to another below .500 weekend of gambling.  Can't wait.

Single Plays
USC - Colorado Under 62 pts
Fresno St. +17
UCLA -7
Arkansas +3½
Syracuse -5
Michigan St -16
Kansas St. +7½
Cincinnati -13
Ravens -7
Cardinals -4

Parlays
I'd still rather light $10 on fire.

TGIF Roundup

This Vine makes me miss college soooooo much.  Just some bro sleeping off Wednesday night in Ann Arbor. 

The only thing I took away from this week's SI cover was this homeless athlete wearing Air Jordans.  He may very well be homeless, but those shoes are $200.  Maybe he should ask his AAU coach for some of the money Nike's clearly already paying him.  And this picture/chart made my morning.

Kate Upton Rookie Year Video (Read: Thinner)

Justin Verlander's dick pics intermingled with Kate Upton's leaked photos courtesy of The Fappening have been ruining my good memories of the back-to-back SI Swimsuit covergirl.  You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel like Lloyd Christmas after this throwback video montage.

Humpday Randomness

I love when political cartoons cut straight to the point.  If only it was Jameis Winston raping a white girl while eating crab legs and firing off a BB gun on a bed of money instead of Todd Gurley, then it would've been perfect.  In other news, I threw up in my mouth at this picture of Beyonce.

PSA's from abroad and in this case Australia are notoriously over-the-top, but normally those extreme ads are discouraging texting and driving.  I won't spoil the surprise moral of this PSA.

#WCW Morning Melons with Rickie Fowler's GF Alexis Randock

Forgive me for falling behind with the times.  I'm normally much more on top of these sorts of things, but it was completely off my radar that Rickie Fowler has a girlfriend.  I was even told a lie that she went to USC, but she actually went to ASU.  Alexis Randock is a 24 year old model/actress, and not the other way around.  I wish I could learn how to putt.

That smile.

Kiffin's Krimson Korner Is Best Thing You Will See Today

Tosh.0
Get More: Comedy Central

Tosh normally saves all of his hate and vitriol for Nick Saban, but it was nice to see his target switched to the bumbling, bubble screening idiot otherwise known as Lane Kiffin.  It's perfect.

Gronk's Linemen Are Gonna Get Laid

Gronk doing his best Al Czervik impression was the best part of my Sunday.  USC got lucky icing the kicker twice or my Wilcox prediction would've come true already.  Now we'll have to wait until after Wazzu for his resignation.  I wish Sark came out like Spurrier in the press conference, just laughing while letting the media know how lucky the team was to escape.  For all his chatter about how big of a win it was for the program, that was one of the most hollow victories I can remember.  It's really getting old knowing every single flag is going against us.  The Pac-12 refs are a fucking laughing stock.  The Halo penalty was complete bullshit, as was the picked up flag on the fumble batted clearly forward, as was the personal foul that was levied against USC after a replay, as was the defensive holding on a run, as was the wrong fair catch caller blowing up a USC player illegally, etc.  It just never ends, and it won't end until USC has the balls to say something about it.  Threaten to leave the conference or nothing is ever going to change.  The Pac-12 Network would fold.  We have leverage, they have jealousy.  This isn't rocket science.  Play the fucking hand you were dealt.  Fuck.

In other news, college stadiums are starting to sell beer at games again.  While this news would normally make me happy, I have no faith in the politically correct morons running USC right now.  Even though we were one of the last hold outs in 2005, I bet USC will be even slower in bringing beers back to the Coliseum.

And this oblivious ratchet taking public selfies is hard to watch.  I'm only having daughters...

Manziel's #FreeGurley Tweet Gets 13K Retweets In 30 Mins

People wonder why ESPN talks about Johnny Football so much, and it's because of tweets like this.  He moves the needle.  This tweet made my morning.  And this Civil War photoshop of last night's QBs is just silly enough for me to find funny.

All I Can Think Of With The Steven Collins News

Definitely one of the more hard-hitting episodes of 7th Heaven, but this parody of the marijuana scene set to the Inception theme is just too funny.  I know that I'm supposed to be aghast about all things pedophilia-related, but the only takeaway from this story for me was wondering how he could've allowed such a recording.  Obviously you never admit to this, especially not on tape.  As with Donald Sterling, the right to free speech, or in this case the right to doctor-patient confidentiality, does not matter in the court of public opinion.  I hope his shrink enjoys finding a new day job.  Yesterday Steven Collins blamed sexual fantasy novels for poisoning his imagination, thus I can only imagine how women's sexual fantasies were shaped by 50 Shades of Grey. 

In other news, a Spanish bride-to-be was impregnated by her dwarf stripper on the night of her bachelorette party.  No one knew until she broke down in the delivery room holding her child with dwarfism.  I guess they don't have sonograms in Spain.  I really don't know why I clicked on this tweet, but it was worth it just to see the European terms. 

Dwarfs = Miniboys
Bachelor / Bachelorette Party = Stag / Hen Nights

New Tesla Model S Is Literally The Future

Google has been talking about the self-driving car for years, but I never should've underestimated Elon Musk's ability to beat them to market.  And considering the expected advances in Lithium batteries over the next decade, Tesla is going to be selling a luxury, gas-free sedan for $20K in that time.  I know it seems like too late to jump on the Tesla bandwagon since its 5 times for valuable than a year and a half ago, but I think Tesla is worth a lot more than $30 Billion.  I believe the value of the car of the future is worth more than 1.5 times WhatsApp.

Betting Ticket - Week 7

Last week was a rough 3-4 given the leads I had in those 3 NFL games.  I was lucky to even win the Steelers bet.  And if Washington State had been smart enough to challenge a clear touchdown with 40 seconds left, I woulda shoulda coulda won a parlay this season.  Better to leave it up to the foot of your nervous kicker any day.  FML.

Single Plays
Arizona +3 (most sure thing I've seen in months, definite loser)
UCLA +3
OK St. -21
Arkansas +11
Wash St. +17
Ole Miss +2
Auburn -3
Penn St. +1
Chargers -7
Broncos -9½

Parlays
I'd rather just set $10 on fire.

In other news, Pac-12 Coordinator of Officials, Tony Corrente, has decided to resign from his position.  I wish he would say that the Twitter shame & ridicule was getting to be too much to take, but I'm not that lucky.  Larry Scott's press release contained what would be boilerplate compliments and commendations if they weren't so outrageously false.  Shit like "Under Tony's leadership, our program made great strides in improving quality, ACCOUNTABILITY, and consistency."  The varying degrees of added emphasis range from unfortunately true to hilariously untrue to LOLZ.  You'll be shocked to hear a Pac-12 source has confirmed that Corrente wasn't forced out, as the conference was hoping to extend his contract.  Larry Scott signing off on the status quo isn't unexpected, but that should be alarming to all fans of Pac-12 football.  It appears Corrente just couldn't handle being the butt of all the officiating jokes on Sundays.

USC Sigma Alpha Epsilon Shuttered By Nationals

Annenberg TV News - Sigma Alpha Epsilon national headquarters announced the closure of the California Gamma chapter at USC as of Tuesday evening. It said the fraternity’s failure to follow the organization’s guidelines and principles prompted the decision.

According to a statement from the national headquarters, the chapter was unable to maintain an “alcohol-free housing status,” and did not “comply with cease-and-desist orders,” which called to suspend all activity during investigation or sanctions. According to the statement other violations included hazing, disregards to health and safety, and an inability to adhere to SAE’s “The True Gentleman” policy.

In the least shocking story I've seen all week, it appears SAE National finally made good on their decade-long threat to close essentially their flagship fraternity house.  The USC SAE house looks like the quintessential fraternity house because movies and commercials have been using it for 30 years.  If an architect was told to draw up a fraternity house from scratch, this Tudor mansion would be the exact template.  Nobody wants to see their illustrious fraternity kicked off the row for 3 years, but I'll be happy as long as SAE can re-colonize where they belong.  (Side Note - I'm not sure re-colonization will ever bring the house back to glory since Nationals made everyone auto-Actives like Lambda Chi.)  The worst part of this whole mess is that if some dumb, drunk cunt from LMU knew how to party at a real school, she wouldn't have fallen off the bar she was twerking on.

My favorite part of this story is that the hammer had to be dropped by SAE Nationals, since USC & the Interfraternity Council lacked the balls to do anything other than putting us on perpetual "referred adjudication," otherwise known as Double-Secret Probation.  Never in my life have I lied as much as I did on those party planning meetings & forms.  SAE had literally never been to a venue that I listed on those forms, as I just used my brown-out memory of the most recent venue for the next party.  It's a good thing we weren't sworn in at those party planning meetings, since I've never more readily and repeatedly lied in the face of DPS officers as I did during those sham request meetings. 

Me - "We are going to have tables of water (lie), as well as tables of appetizers for the guests (lie)."
USC official - "The appetizers need to be low in salt due to the dehydration of the drinkers at the venue in Santa Monica. (venue in Hollywood)"
Me - "I was told that the appetizers were going to be fruits and vegetable platters. (bad lie)"

Worst Week In LA Sports History

Whether it was Scioscia bunting when he shouldn't or not bunting when he should've, the Angels manager has some explaining to do.  Josh Hamilton's complete ineptitude was the low-hanging fruit for the media, but to me that pales in comparison to the bunting errors of games 1 & 2.  Giving CJ Wilson the ball was another thing that I would never have done, but Santiago wasn't a sure thing either.  It had never been more frustrating to watch Mike Trout than it was in this series.  It wasn't until game 3 that I actually saw Trout give a serious look at the first pitch of an at bat.  I don't understand how the best hitter in baseball is content giving himself a 66.6% chance.  Trout so rarely swings at the first pitch that opposing pitchers are simply throwing the equivalent of 3-0 meatballs in order to start out each at bat 0-1.  He actually looks disinterested in most first pitches, with the bat simply resting on his right shoulder.  Then he steps out and takes two very upright practice golf swings before getting pounded high and away.  How he was still able to produce given only 2/3rds the opportunity with pitchers relentlessly attacking his high weakness is simply remarkable.

Just when I thought I had seen the coaching error of the week with Iannetta not being forced to bunt with a runner on 2nd with no outs (don't worry, it turned into a doubleplay), Steve Sarkisian & Justin Wilcox prove that horrendous coaching is the only thing I can count on in my life.  Nevermind the Hail Mary personnel, nevermind the obvious clock-management blunders, nevermind the 3rd & 2 bubble screen for -5, nevermind the most blatantly obvious draw play stuffed on our third "attempt" to get a first down, nevermind never throwing a slant to one of our 40 WRs, nevermind running out of the shotgun so every run is effectively a draw, nevermind getting gashed for 19 yards per pass - None of that matters to me until someone explains to me WHY THE FUCK Sua Cravens comes out on 3rd downs.  He is the best player on the team - not Leonard Williams, not Nelson Agholor, not Adoree Jackson.  Removing our new version of Polamalu from the lineup on 3rd downs is unconscionable no matter what scheme you are failing to run.  No lead is safe with Wilcox's shitty excuse for a Prevent Defense, and as I said earlier this week, it's even money right now whether or not Wilcox will survive until Homecoming vs. Colorado considering Zona's passing attack.  Even though some may call it a trap game for Arizona coming off a big win in Eugene, Rich Rod has had an extra 2 days to enjoy daydreaming about our lack of a secondary.

I was awkwardly close to slitting my wrists had UCLA's 2nd FG attempt gift from the Pac-12 officials sailed through the uprights late Saturday night.  Literally on my way to the bathtub.  Thankfully UCLA finally lost a game, going from the country's most overrated team to the country's most overrated one-loss team.  Oregon & UCLA are equally pissed off coming off of home losses, so that matchup should be pretty interesting on Saturday at the Rose Bowl.  Maybe I'll get lucky with Brett Hundley & Myles Jack getting slaughtered at home, but I think Oregon's defense is worse than ASU's.  In an effort to hedge my happiness (something very necessary after the last 7 days), I bet on UCLA +3 & Zona +3.  USC being a 3 point favorite on the road after that collapse at home is legitimately as laughable as it gets.
 
Lastly, Don Mattingly benching Puig yesterday didn't make much sense to me.  In my mind, that was essentially equivalent to benching Trout.  I understand that he had 8 strikeouts in the series already, but he also had 3 hits to Trout's 1.  Without Puig, I'm fairly certain Mattingly would already be out of a job.  I think the kicker for me was when Puig was put in last night as a pinch runner.  Nobody in the major leagues was thrown out more on the basepaths this season than Yasiel Puig.  Ned Coletti's short rotation hurt him in the end, while luckily Jerry Dipoto can hide behind some injuries.  The only real takeaway I got from this series versus the Cardinals is that umpires will always give St. Louis the benefit of the doubt.  Allowing a struggling Trevor Rosenthal two practice pitches in the middle of an at bat because of a bullshit groundskeeping complaint was one of the most absurd things I've seen in a 9th inning of a playoff game in my entire life.

Welcome to the life of an LA sports fan - where no one cares about your "fair-weather fanbases," the Lakers are going to be a 7 seed (Read: terrible draft pick) and Ducks/Kings won't be spoken of until the hockey playoffs start.  I just hope Oregon can show UCLA's its collective O-face on Saturday.

On A Lighter Note - The Carlton Dance

I don't watch Dancing With The Stars, but I definitely enjoyed the Carlton Dance cameo going viral today.  It's actually kinda weird how strong of a connection most of America has with Fresh Prince of Bel Air.  In other news, these two kangaroo's boxing with the Street Fighter music on in the background made my morning.  Please un-mute for the added effect.

Note to self: Bust out Super Nintendo tonight.  And Jay Bilas tweeted a classic pic out this morning.

Deadspin Still Doesn't Get It

Anybody that followed the Ferguson riots from the beginning knows that Darren Wilson is innocent.  The results of the Grand Jury have already been leaked to the media, and I bet you will never guess what they had to say - there isn't enough evidence to warrant charging Darren Wilson.  Big shocker there.  Just as there was not enough evidence to charge George Zimmerman in the eerily similar Trayvon Martin race-baited story.  But none of that matters to these moronic rioters, just as none of it matters to the writers at Deadspin.  Don't get me wrong, I know full-well that Darren Wilson will be forced to sit through the most obvious self-defense trial/kangaroo court in history.  I also know that he will be exonerated to the fullest extent.  I just hope that it's as much of a sham as the Trayvon case.  Prosecutorial misconduct everywhere, less than full disclosure, false testimonies, undermining of the court, hiding of evidence, etc.  Hopefully Eric Holder will be long gone by the time this case gets started, but I wouldn't put it past him becoming co-counsel for the prosecution.  

Eric Holder = Jesse Jackson = Al Sharpton

Marshawn Lynch Loves His Grillz

I don't have much to add to this masterpiece clip.  Vice Sports might be worth a follow.

Brooklyn Decker Sex Scene Outtakes Are Really Hot

I couldn't really tell if Brooklyn Decker meant to tweet this reply out to all of her followers or not last night, but her referencing a sex scene was enough for me to investigate.  I wasn't disappointed.  I'd love to know how Andy Roddick feels watching this clip and what he thinks about Brooklyn tweeting links to this video to her 600K+ followers on Twitter.  Watching a video like this of my wife would convince my fragile psyche that she's been faking for years.  Total mindblow.

Best of the Weekend

Trent Dilfer continues to think he's delivering hard-hitting takes no matter how retarded he sounds.  And every 4th sentence is about his work with kids at the Elite 11 camps.  We get it bro.  I didn't watch a minute of Gameday, but Katy Perry supposedly had better picks than Corso.  Here she is slamming a beer before a stage dive at a dive bar in Oxford, Mississippi.

#55 for the Chiefs should actually be investigated for shaving points.  There is no possible excuse for what happened on that play other than having money on the 49ers.

While I was initially worried about The Fappening ruining nudes and sexting for the rest of us, Candice Swanepoel just flipped that rationale on its ass.  Her naked selfies were leaked last month, so that must've flipped the DGAF switch in regard to going topless.  I'm all for #FreeTheNipple, but the irony of The Fappening kick-starting the formerly feminist movement is almost too perfect.

Candice Swanepoel - Topless in Maui

Lastly, I saw this gif on Reddit, and I feel like my whole life has been a lie.

He Won't Resign, So USC Must Fire Justin Wilcox

This weekend in sports has actually made me re-evaluate my life and my priorities.  ASU was able to rack up 244 yards in 45 seconds in 6 plays for 21 points with no timeouts and a backup quarterback in one of the largest collapses fathomable in the game of football.  I want to cancel my trip to Utah.  Next Saturday is going to be a bloodbath, so maybe Haden should just set up now at long term parking at LAX.  This team will be lucky to win another 2 games.  The fact that USC is paying Clancy Pendergast 7 figures NOT to coach this defense is driving me up a fucking wall.  

Of course ESPN is only showing the Hail Mary since they didn't watch any of the non-SEC game.  The Hail Mary has nothing to do with what happened last night.  The 19 yards per pass play against the most obvious Cover 2 in history gave me flashbacks of Monte Kiffin's final season.  Wilcox's dumbfuck scheme includes pulling Sua Cravens, debatably our best defender, on nearly all third downs.  What in the actual fuck?  Sua is the only player with a nose for turnovers, yet we are pulling him on throwing downs????  Am I missing something????  Where was Sua on the Hail Mary you may ask - He was playing linebacker at the line of scrimmage while Hayes Pullard was sent back for the throw.  Just fucking think about that for a second.  Sua was a safety 6 months ago.  This is the sort of stupidity that is running rampant at USC right now.  With about 6 minutes left in a game USC was leading by 9, my buddy and I were hating on USC's continued snapping of the ball early in the play clock as Buck Allen was marching down the field.  14-16 seconds remained on each play clock at the start of every successive run.  Explain that to me Sark.  I. Am. All. Fucking. Ears.

Sark took less than no responsibility after the game, instead just giving us his usual bullshit coach speak.  Zero accountability.  Wilcox should've resigned on the spot.  Let me reiterate - ASU was able to rack up 244 yards in 45 seconds in 6 plays for 21 points with no timeouts and a backup quarterback.  USC was up by 9 with 3 minutes left, yet ASU was able to score 14 points without a timeout and without recovering an onside kick.  That's fucking impossible.  USC was willing to trust the long-snapper on field goals but not on punts??  Am I living in another universe?  That makes no fucking sense.  Bercovici quick-kicked against us on the first drive of the game, and that alone inspired Sark to have Cody Kessler be our punter for the rest of the day.  Keep in mind that USC had never practiced this, and Kessler hadn't hit a punt since high school.  Who in their right mind would've thought Kessler was less risky than a backup long-snapper to an actual punter?  No one, except of course this retarded coaching staff.  My buddy told me how literally dumb/stupid Sark was before the season started, and I was foolish not to believe him.  The FIRE WILCOX t-shirt I mocked up on Custom Ink might be the best $25 I've spent in years.  FIRE SARK is not far off.  I was a Kiffin apologist for too long, and I will not make that mistake again.

Fuck Sarkisian, double-fuck Kevon Seymour, and triple-fuck Justin Wilcox with a rusty pole.

WE ARE STILL PAYING PENDERGAST NOT TO COACH THIS TEAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#FeelingNuts Just The First In Offensive Awareness Campaigns

My sister just alerted me to the absurd #FeelingNuts campaign for testicular cancer awareness.  I thought she was joking until I saw this picture of Hugh Jackman and his bottoms at the gym.  I don't like that bald guy's eyes following me around the room with that weird look on his face.  Creeps me out.  Jackman very well might have testicular cancer on the brain considering the amount of steroids he's taken getting prepared for his roles in SEVEN X-Men movies as Wolverine.

On the other hand, #FindingLumps is still my idea.

Akon Goes Bubble Boy In African Concert

These pictures of Akon doing a concert in Africa literally in a bubble have to be the funniest thing you will see all day.  Impossible to top.  Terrible press for the Democratic Republic of Congo (42 dead of Ebola thus far), but I think this really just begs one question - How poor is Akon right now?  You would have to pay me $1 million to go to Dallas right now, better yet the Congo.  #EbolaIsHere

Coming In Hot - Stevie Wonder Isn't Blind

Deadspin - Stevie Wonder Is Not Blind: The Evidence

Bomani Jones is the funniest and least #KillWhitey out of all the African American talking heads at ESPN, and his show with Dan LeBatard in Miami is so good that they're looping it out to LA now.  I have always thought Stevie Wonder had some sort of sight, but I guess this debate is fodder for some sort of urban legend.  Regardless, Deadspin does a classic breakdown of all the evidence that Boy Wonder can indeed see, with the picture below cracking me up the most.

Betting Ticket - Week 6

In no great surprise to me, I went 3-1 in college football and 2-2 in pro.  0-fer on parlays is getting bothersome though.  Maybe I'll hit one this season.  I always have a better feel for college football at this time of the year.  Last Friday I got a line on a UFC fight where a guy was taking a dive.  After getting a few friends and thus a few thousand dollars on some schmuck I'd never heard of, the wrong guy took a dive.  Classic goof.  Glad my "sure thing" only cost me $100.  In other news, the UFC has rigged fights.  Don't believe me - watch this glancing blow followed by a dive and an early called fight by the ref.  Everyone was in on it except me.  FML.

Single Plays
Stanford -1½
Wash St. -3½
Baylor - 17
Auburn -7½
Steelers -7½
Cowboys -6
Eagles -7½

Parlays
Wash St. -3½, Baylor - 17, Auburn -7½
Steelers -7½, Cowboys -6, Eagles -7½

And if you haven't seen it already, the t-shirt Gatling gun at Auburn is amazingly ridiculous.

TweetMates - USC Teammates Reading Each Other's Tweets

While it wasn't designed to be as funny as Mean Tweets on Jimmy Kimmel, this rendition did not disappoint.  Adoree Jackson has probably played more snaps than any USC true freshman ever, and with tweets flying out of a Twitter handle like @AdoreeKnows praising BJ's Pizza's almighty pazookie, you know there is a reason why.  A pazookie is a pie tin filled an inch high with chocolate chip cookie dough.  It is warmed, but not baked entirely.  Then they throw two scoops of vanilla ice cream on top and serve the whole thing melting.  The pazookie dessert is 2nd only to a world class bread pudding.  On a side note, Adoree's Twitter Avatar is Reggie Bush leading the band on the ladder.  That made my day.  Then Max Browne is tasked with deciphering Telfer's ebonics birthday message to Nelson Agholor.  Solid effort all the way around.  In other news, Microsoft released Windows 10 yesterday to the world, somehow expecting none of us to ask the obvious question - What happened to Windows 9??  I felt like I was reliving This Is Spinal Tap's famous scene when I read that press release.