Sorry For The Hiatus

Between Christmas vacation and my buddies Bachelor Party, I think you should give me a little slack.

World Darts Semifinal Hairdos

"Snakebite" Peter Wright vs "The Wizard" Simon Whitlock

Hockey Ref With GoPro

I've always wanted to know what refs say to play during fights, what they say to captains after fights, and the vulgar language in between everyone throughout the game.  There is no way Ed Hochuli curses in every conversation with a player.  I'm not sure you would command the respect of the hockey players without cursing like a sailor.

AK47 Creator Dead At 94

ZeroHedge just posted a piece about the death of Mikhail Kalashnikov, creator of the AK47.  Like many inventor's before him, he laments that his invention brought about more war though he designed it to foster peace.  He blames Russian politicians for it becoming Russia's largest export to warring nations in Africa and around the world. 

PS - Nic Cage's narration is the icing on the perfect video for this post cake.

Morning Melons with Lindsey Duke

Some UCF QB is getting mentioned by Todd "I'm Useless" McShay & McLovin (both horrible signs) as one of the top 5 quarterbacks in the draft.  I had never heard of Blake Bortles until yesterday, but boy am I happy I scroogled him this morning.  A simple search of his name and his girlfriend Lindsey Duke (Twitter - @liindseyduke) explodes across your browser, and rightfully so.  Katherine Webb doesn't have anything on her.

 

Paulina Not Even Trying To Hide It

My little Insta-whore is off frolicking in Aspen, CO with DJ and friends.  As if she has an undying need to throw her habit in my face, she wore a Pablo Escobar / Mark Cuban shirt out tonight.  Skiing the slopes all day long it seems.  Somehow I think she's only getting massages.  My roommate just sent me this gem too.  Thanks, Janet.  I bet you can't beat this one anytime soon.

Bucks Fans Understand

 
On the same day that Kobe gets a freak (most likely stress) fracture in his left knee, Bucks fans in Milwaukee put up this billboard near the arena pleading with ownership to tank the rest of the season.  I truly see Kobe's knee fracture as a sign from the NBA lottery gods.  The Lakers need to realize that they will not benefit from being the 8th seed.  Hopefully Nick Young can turn himself into a serviceable 6th man throughout this season, but Kobe should take his time coming back in my opinion.  I just may not watch that much more of Robert Sacre.

Tosh Lupoi Already In Hot Water

Tosh Lupoi just professed his innocence from the recent recruiting violation charges with this screenshot on Twitter.  As I said the day Sark was hired, Lupoi is as dirty as anyone in college football.  I actually don't know if Haden and the revamped compliance department would even let him in the front door.  The smear campaign against his tactics will be 1000 times worse if he tries them at USC.  I really hope he stays away.  Or delivers Damien Mama.  Either one.

Knicks Bench Reacts To Bargnani Brainfart

Andrea Bargnani took an idiotic shot with 11 seconds left with the lead the game, and the Knicks bench reaction is classic.  Don't miss Metta sitting there oblivious to everything that is going on.

Jerry West Would Still Be The Best Shot On The Lakers

Mr. Clutch says that he hasn't shot a basketball in years, and I believe him 100%.  The Logo got laughed at for the comment, but I think he was dead serious.  Smug badass until the day he dies.

Chris Farley Died 16 Years Ago Today

ADD Drugs Linked To Boners

 
The FDA released a report today stating that Ritalin & Concerta have been linked to dangerously long-lasting erections, known as priapism.  News like this is normally just speed-read through on the commercials during the side effects section towards the end, but I think that this story may have significantly unintended consequences.  How many two-pump & dump chumps in college are going to switch from Adderall to Concerta?  I vividly remember people complaining of coke-dick on Adderall, so this report is all they'll need to make the switch.

TL/DR - Concerta & Ritalin are the new Viagra.

Coming Around On Famous Jameis

I'll admit that I've had a hard time coming around on Jameis Winston.  This laughable attempt at striking the Heisman pose is so stunningly awful, it's almost endearing.  He's literally surrounded by examples of the correct pose, while he's even holding the actual trophy for further assistance.  NOPE.  I actually hope this becomes his signature celebration, since it's so hilariously dumb.  Run with it, bro.  Why not?  Everything else has been coming up roses this year, pun intended.

But I have to admit the Not Jameis Winston twitter parody account (@ItsFamousJameis) is the reason I got over that whole rape coverup.  It's exactly how I imagine Winston in real life, so I'm happily going to pretend it's actually him tweeting all of this gold.  I promise you will like him more if you follow Not Jameis too.

Jason Dufner Is The Best

Jason Dufner accidentally slides into his own ball while setting up to putt.  His reaction is one that I know quite well.  I've even bent my putter by connecting a little too well.

Eli Manning's Quest For The Elusive 36th INT

GIFs of the Weekend

This is one of the most egregious head-hunting hits on a punter I have ever seen.  I thought the NFL had a new penalty now for malicious, blindside hits.  As for the punter, enjoy the straw you will be eating from for the next month.

 

Deadspin posted this GIF of the other bat Babe Ruth used to swing.  I guess cups and jock straps were for pussies back then.

Yankees Already Tampering With Mike Trout

Yankees president Randy Levine decided to get a little head start this morning on the bidding war for Mike Trout in 2018.  While explaining the Yankees (new) stance against 10-year deals for 30 year olds, Levine said, "If Mike Trout was here, I would recommend a 10-year contract. But for people over 30, I don’t believe it makes sense."  Although it may seem like an innocuous example, that is the most classic case of tampering I have seen in a long time.  As if I don't already have nightmares about Trout in pinstripes, the Yankees announce 5 years early that there is no way the Angels should even bother trying.

You may think I'm overreacting, but imagine if it was Kershaw.  I'm pretty sure Jerry Dipoto is gay for Tyler Skaggs after trading for him twice for no reason, and the thought of losing Trout (even in 5 years) is too much for me in the same week we traded away 400 career homeruns (Read: Trumbo, Mark) for 2 no-name lefties that will never make a meaningful contribution.

Canadian Beer Pong

This looks incredibly fun.  I love how one-track minded those Canadians are.

Top 10 Best Questions from AMA with Strip Club Manager

 
These were my favorite 10 Q&A's from a random Ask Me Anything with a strip club manager that I stumbled upon.  For further knowledge and continued reading, click here.  You can always count on Reddit for the hard-hitting questions.
 
1. Is there a tacit quota on how many black girls you hire? Fact is I know you need a couple of black girls in the mix for the sake of variety but you hire too much and your club will be considered "the black strip club?" Or, do you hire as many as you want and just space out their shifts so too many are not on the floor at the same time?

There is an unwritten rule that is followed. Once a club goes black you can never get it back. We play a lot of rock and techno type music and keep just a few black girls to keep this from happening. What's funny is that the black girls we have don't like it when we hire other black girls and the black guys that come in to our club are typically middle to upper class and would never step foot in a "black club." 

2. What's your hours like? And how often per week etc

Officially... Tuesday - Saturday 7pm-3am but it's not uncommon for me to come in a few hours early or few hours late. I'm the GM and little extra stuff is normal. I probably put in 45-50 hours a week which is nothing compared to my last job and I make substantially more $. 

3. How do you pick the girls?

They apply, and if they are good looking enough their first night is their audition. No girl is an employee, they are all independent contractors. 

4. How often do you get laid on the job?

Never. I bat them away almost daily. Two days ago a very attractive dancer told me that she masturbates while thinking of me and although not easy, I turned her down. There are girls who when in trouble will grab my cock, bat their eyes, push their tongue into their cheek and say, "But I don't have to be in trouble do I?“ This is a career ender. Managers who stand the test of time do not screw their dancers. Bartenders rarely, but never a dancer. A whole slew of trouble comes from screwing a dancer, they tell everyone, you loose respect, and they expect special treatment. They no longer work for you, you work for them. Simply put, to answer your question: Never. My girl at home is way better looking then most of the girls and doesn't have any of the issues. 

5. What's the weirdest request asked of a worker?

I'm not sure. Nothing comes to mind. A dancer once came to me in a panic telling me her bag of cocaine was stolen and asked if I would help her find it. I was stunned and just looked at her waiting for her brain to click in and realize who she just asked to help her find her drugs. It never did. 

6. How much money does the club make? How much do the dancers make? How much do you make? Is it difficult to open up a strip club?

My club generates an income in the millions every year. Personally I take home between $68 and $73k a year depending on how well the club does. I have a few smart and focused dancers who make over $100k annually but most of my dancers don't make over $40.

The hardest part about opening a strip club is obtaining the licenses. City's only want so many liquor licenses and adult entertainment licenses out there and can prove very difficult to obtain. If there aren't any available the best you can hope for is to lease someone else's already built business but then you have someone piggy backing off of your hard work and limiting your income/potential for growth. 

7. Is it true that the girls aren't paid, that the only way they make money is with the money guys throw on the stage and private dances?

In my area yes, in other areas the girls make the minimum wage a waitress would. Which is irrelevant because if if it were my club I would just turn around and charge them their hourly wage right back so it would be a wash and on top of that fine them when they were late. Dancers pay to work, it's income for the club. Think of the club and security as pimps. We provide protection and a safe place to work they provide us with a percentage of what they make. 

8. How many have died in your club?

None, but some kid got shot in the parking lot a few years ago when he and his friend chased a guy all the way to his car. The guy grabbed his gun and opened fire hitting one of the kids in the gut. He grasped his belly and ran back into the club squirting globs of blood everywhere. It's all on camera and naturally we received a seizure warrant for the footage. Word of advice: Never commit a crime within 40 yards of a strip club unless you're wearing a mask and not driving your own car. 

9. I know its a job, and we all gotta earn money. But in alot of cases, girls working as dancers often do have some issues with themselves/something that has happened to them in the past. Do you never feel guilty sometimes? Or wish in anyway (if you know of a dancer with a horrible background) that you could help them out?

Everyday, I keep reminding myself that it's not my fault, and if not for me they'd just work for someone else. After a few months in the industry you don't look at them the same. You see them lie, cheat, and steal and you loose some of that softness in your heart. Don't get me wrong I do have some good hearted girls that are excellent mothers and decent people these are the girl who make the most money but most dancers are sex robot junkie criminals who will rob their best friend.

10. Level with me now - Is there really no sex in the champagne room?

Very rarely, and when it does happen it's always very awkward and uncomfortable looking because they're trying to hide it and have to contort themselves in awkward position. We have cameras in the VIP and champagne room and if it's being done either my VIP security or DJ know. Some security and DJs will look the other way for a nice tip. Personally I don't go looking for trouble and would have to stumble on it but if I did see it I would stop it immediately. Usually the girls just meet guys after work and are paid to hang out. They are just using the club as a way to get new clients. The majority of my girls do not take part in this and the ones who do I am typically aware of but at the same time don't care.

I bet that continued reading seems more appealing now doesn't it?  Here's the link again.

Plastic Surgeon Turns Daughters Into Ad

Believe it or not, I actually went to high school with the dark-haired fembot.  Gawker just posted this cringe-worthy story.  The first sentence alone should give you the creeps enough to set the tone for the whole, disgusting article.

"Plastic surgeon Michael Niccole first operated on his daughter Charm when she was just ten years old. He turned her outie into an innie."

Instagram Direct Pros & Cons

 

One of my favorite things in business is to root against brash, greedy entrepreneurs that think their shit doesn't stink.  In a perfect world, they find out quickly that it does indeed stink, and it stinks like shit.  Just ask Andrew Mason at formerly of Groupon about it.  And now those ignorant bastards over at SnapChat have fallen into the same trap.  My boy Zuckerberg came in today with a roundhouse kick to SnapChat's balls with Instagram Direct (ID).

Cons - 1. It shows everyone else who received the ID.

2. The ID's don't evaporate, so SnapChat will still garner most of the sexting.

3. Why wouldn't you just text them a picture instead?

Pros - 1. You can ID message anyone that you follow on Instagram.  Paulina must be seeing some of the weirdest shit right now.

2. SnapChat's valuation took a massive hit with ID's development.

3. Options for the picture to evaporate and BCC-ing people are not far off in the future.

4. My Facebook stock is going to benefit from this.

UPDATE - Barkley's virgin eyes can't handle Instagram Direct.

Nick Saban Rumors

At least the coaching rumor mill is responsible for this gif.  I needed this after hearing this morning that the Friday Night Lights movie is off.  First Road House, now this.

Road House Remake Here to Ruin My Day

So after watching Road House last week, I decided I needed to torrent a higher quality version online.  In my quest to see Swayze glisten in all of his glory, I discovered an urgent and horrifying news story - there's a Road House remake in the works.  MGM has already hired Rob Cohen of the original The Fast & The Furious as the director, so it may have a chance.  Although Dalton so eloquently said, "Pain don't hurt," seeing Channing Tatum tarnish this masterpiece really would.  Ryan Gosling is better at the soft spoken, closet psycho role.  And Sam Elliott better be involved somehow.

3 Tennessee Sorostitutes Get Engaged

The pain behind those eyes is so intense, it looks fake. I love you, Red Vest.

Corey Perry From His Knees

And it was the last second of the 2nd period.  That stings for the entire 20 minute intermission.

Avicii's Patriotic Hey Brother Music Video

If you told me before I watched the "Hey Brother" video that I would be adding a Swedish DJ's song to my 4th of July playlist, I would've laughed.

Bears Retire Ditka's #89

And this Bears fan wore his lucky shirt. Seriously though, how does Monte Kiffin have a job?

Here's Elon Musk simplifying space travel so that even I can understand.

Nike Does Perfect Kobe Comeback Commercial

Pictures of the Weekend

SwaggyP/Noodles Nick Young's 540 layup attempt last night infuriated me.

My favorite Manning Face yet.

Empty at the start of the 3rd quarter.

BRRR

Megatron transforming into a snowman before our very eyes.

Kobe's Return Video Is Retarded

I kept waiting for ANYTHING to happen.  The white flash at 1:10 really tricked me too.  Definitely thought the weird jersey blowing in the weather part was over.  Nope.

Andrew Luck's Neck Beard

 

The Hans Klopek look is really working for him.  I'm just waiting for him to offer me a sardine.

Red Lightning AKA FSU Ball Boy

This ginger just made my day.  Amazing montage.  Thanks Internet.

Todd Graham ASU Incentive Money

Almost $2 million in additional salary incentives are very possible.

Dustin Johnson Drug Rumors

Just when Dustin Johnson thought he had escaped the drug (Read: Cocaine) rumors and whispers of rehab, Vijay Singh's attorney blindly throws him under the bus.  Rumors swirled in the Spring of 2012 that DJ served a two-month drug suspension from the PGA Tour, possibly including a stint in a very in-patient rehab center.  His caddie, Bobby Brown, was fired after his "absence."  Since then, he's dated and even proposed to Paulina Gretzky.  Dating this generation's Paris Hilton-wannabe is not always the best way to dispel drug rumors, but I'm sure he's laughing all the way to The Great One's bank.  Paulina exudes everything that I personally associate with a coke-whore, so let's hope he can stay off the slopes this holiday season.

And I still hate flesh-colored lipstick.  It looks good on no one.

Should Drugs Be Legalized?

In this long video, Retired Police Captain Peter Christ absolutely deconstructs and exposes the entire War on Drugs for what a farce it really is.  Christ is co-founder of LEAP - Law Enforcement Against Prohibition.  There is no question this guy is not prepared for.  He expertly shows alcohol & tobacco's hypocrisy when fielding all manner of counter-arguments.  Anybody that continues to support the War on Drugs after watching this video is as dumb as rocks.

FYI - Tomorrow is the 80th anniversary of the end of prohibition.

BCS Era Dynasty Rankings

This article by the BCS Guru is pretty eye-opening to how soft the SEC really is.  It's definitely worth a read, as it revisits recent times that we so quickly forget.  These two images encapsulate both USC's dominance and the SEC's efforts to play the least amount of quality teams possible.

Morning Melons With World's Most Desirable Threesome

So Erin Andrews, Brooklyn Decker, and Chrissy Teigen decided to have a Girl's Night Out at Disneyland.  Are they the hottest three chicks ever assembled at the Happiest Place on Earth?  Maybe.  My matterhorn grew thanks to the Erin's finger sucking with their dueling O-faces.  I hope Honey I Shrunk the Audience was good, although I doubt any dudes shrank with this trio in there.

 

H/T - Larry Brown Sports

What Grinds My Gears

I cannot believe the USC Bookstore is actually selling clothing with a Southern Cal logo.  Jim Mora went out of his way to twist the knife after thrashing us on Saturday night by repeatedly referring to USC as Southern Cal.  For everyone that doesn't understand my obvious beef, UCLA is southern Cal, just slightly less communist and equally Asian.

Someone should get fired for this...