Real Life Jurassic Park Here We Come

Yesterday marked the first day in history that we have attempted to clone dinosaurs.  Some people may not consider the Woolly Mammoth a dinosaur, but aren't we just splitting hairs?  Scientists injected long-extinct Woolly Mammoth (Read: dinosaur) DNA into an elephant (Read: frog) cell genome.  Somewhere Michael Crichton is having a glass of scotch laughing maniacally over the impending doom of the human race.  People so soon forget what happened in San Diego the last time we brought a T-Rex into modern civilization.  I keep telling everyone that history repeats itself, but no one wants to listen.  The scientists involved have termed the project "De-Extinction," proving once and for all that we've learned nothing in the past 20 years.

Where's Jeff Goldblum when you need him?  He's so dreamy.

 

PS - I need this shirt.

Videos Of The Day

Cory Simms is leader in the clubhouse for Player Hater of the Year 2015.  Heckling truly is his life.  He's telling these young juniors that they can't handle his heckling they should stick to tiddlywinks and PlayStation.  I looked up tiddlywinks, and I still have no idea what it is.  He quotes the local newspaper story that has him saying he's going to rip a woman's head off and clean the ice with it.  He feels immortalized by that line.  That's the only reason he brings it up.

The bitch who said no to this cow sounded like quite the hater in her own right.

Happy Monday Morning

I simply cannot stop watching this Vine.  The horribleness of the song paired with Frank Kaminsky's electrifying dance moves is just about the perfect 5 seconds of video.  And this breakdown of the seams the batter sees is something that I could never see in person.  I was always watching the pitcher's hands in the glove pre-pitch and the arm angle.  All power to the players who can actually read seams in real time, ie 1 second.

I'm Back From Vacation

Aaron Hernandez's fiancee is taking the stand today at his murder trial, and given the size of the new engagement ring she's sporting, I don't think she's going to say much.  I'm just hoping she perjures herself spinning lies to the prosecutor.  And my favorite picture from Twitter during my two week Italian vacation is this one of Pete Rose signing autographs at the Mandalay Bay last week.  Please notice the iPad for the NCAA tournament games and his phone streaming TVG for the ponies.  Classic Pete Rose, and it reminds me of the last time I saw him.

Flying Snowmobile Friday

Am I naive to think that I'd be lucky enough for UCLA to be in the First Four Out?

Jay Bilas Calls John Wooden A Cheater, Is Correct

I heard this segment on Dan Patrick in my car the other day, and I spit out my imaginary coffee.  No one ever dares utter a negative word about John Wooden, even though it is common knowledge that Sam Gilbert paid all of UCLA's players in the 1960s-70s.  To quote Bilas, "the systematic paying of players at UCLA." 

PREACH BILAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hillary Clinton Made An Ass Out Of Herself Today

Hillary Clinton gave her first press conference today after it was revealed that she hid all of her email communications from the State Department for years.  It did not go well.  Her press conference felt eerily similar to Richard Nixon's famous presser saying, "I'm not a crook."  The gist of her statement was that her email server will remain private (Read: Fuck you, pound sand), and that she kept her communications on a private server because she only wanted to carry 1 phone.  Except two weeks ago she talked about carrying around two different phones.

Nevermind that she broke clearly stated laws, nevermind that she fired someone from her own State Department in 2012 for using a personal email, and please nevermind this video clip of Hillary Clinton from 2007.

This short video does a great job of highlighting Hillary's scandals from the 1990's alone, not including Monica Lewinsky.  Her creepy laugh about refusing to write anything down out of fear of supoenas is almost too perfect.

How will the media make this go away?  Can we invade Kosovo again?

And the comparison below actually is perfect.

Lindsey Pelas Running In Slow Motion

I stumbled across Lindsey Pelas in one of Dan Bilzerian's constant stream of pictures of outrageously voluptuous women.  His most recent conquest is a barista from a drive-thru lingerie coffee shop.  I can't imagine where his handlers find this never-ending stable of big-titted whores.

Throwback Tuesday With Zoolander & Office Space

Paris Fashion Week was invaded by Derek Zoolander and Hansel in order to promote the sequel.  After Dumb & Dumber To and Anchorman 2, the sequel bar has been set extremely low for Ben Stiller.  I'm sure he'll be able to find some more laughs.  Either way, this video from the runway in Paris served as the perfect "Earth to" reminder for Zoolander 2.

And the real Michael Bolton playing Michael Bolton from Office Space would've been funnier if I didn't already know that the real Michael Bolton is self-aware.  The Jack Sparrow song from The Lonely Island ruined all future Michael Bolton jokes for me.

Office Space with Michael Bolton from Funny Or Die

Over-Under On Life Of Fraternities - 10 Years Left

Do you think fraternities as we know them will exist in 2025?  I'm inclined to say absolutely not.  A standard fraternity of 150 members has 50-75 shitfaced members on any given night/day.  As you can see from the video, all it takes is 1 SnapChat to completely destroy an SAE chapter at Oklahoma.  Fraternities have gotten such a bad rap with accusations of drink-spiking, rape (or gang-rape if you like to make shit up like Rolling Stone), hazing, overall binge drinking, and test sharing that racism had actually fallen off the radar in recent years.  Now it's back with a vengeance.  Fraternities have been getting knocked down one peg at a time, but with the video leaking the same day as the 50 year anniversary of Selma, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to see Obama put on the full court press.

Washington Post Basically Declares Golf Dead

Washington Post - Why America Fell Out Of Love With Golf

The golf industry has been getting destroyed for the past 5 years, and the speed of its decline has only increased recently.  More golf courses have closed than opened every year for the past decade.  I think people still tune in for weekend golf coverage, while I only watch tennis 4 times a year.  I could be an outlier I guess.  This article basically blames the game of golf itself  - saying it's too hard, too time-consuming, too rigid of rules, and too expensive.  None of those characteristics have changed in the last 100 years, only the upward mobility of middle class Americans has changed.  As the Ragin' Cajun James Carville himself said, "It's the economy, stupid."

Since I love pointing out Obama's countless failures, the real culprit here is the monetary policies of the Fed.  Quantitative Easing is the worst thing that Obama's administration unleashed on the world.  You simply cannot print money to solve problems.  People somehow fail to realize this.  Obama likes to harp on income inequality, yet that gap has greatly increased during his tenure.  It makes sense since he needs more people on the dole for votes.  5 million new voters in 2016 has a nice ring to it. Don't believe me?  Check out these headlines from this morning:

Amnestied Illegals Will Receive Social Security Benefits In 2015
Social Security Checks Mailed To 6.5 Million 112-year-olds Or Older In 2014 (All voted Dem too)
CBO - Health Insurance Premiums Set To Spike

All of those headlines should be seen as terrible news to the middle class of America.  Then I saw this chart from the Wall Street Journal about current manufacturing in the United States.

At least the stock market is at an all-time high... I'm going to the driving range.

2015 Minnesota Hockey Hair Team

This dude's commentary makes an already incredible video even more hilarious.  The flying in circles line got me good.  Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto.

Rory McIlroy Throws 2 Iron In Lake With His Ball

I could watch videos of golfers losing it for the rest of my life and be content.  Rory putting his shot in the water is not all that notable, but the launch to the lake is really well done.  He lets it go early enough so it doesn't get caught in his hand and pull it left.  Veteran move.  And it's not like this is his first issue with anger management.

If you need to shake up your tantrum routine, here are a few easy additions that will spice up your meltdowns and allow your playing partners judge you even more.

Pictures Of The Week

Truck Nutz have always been the classiest way of letting the driver behind you know that you are an inbred redneck, but the Trailer Shitch just notched it up a few levels.  I'm not sure that this trailer hitch is in mass production, since it looks like this dude might actually own a dogshit bag company.

The Arizona Diamondbacks have announced the Churro Dog for this upcoming season.  It consists of a chocolate donut bar (should've been a maple bar), a churro, 3 scoops of vanilla ice cream,  and whipped cream covered in caramel and chocolate sauce.  'Murica

You have all failed if this isn't my birthday cake next year.

And there is some comedic genius out there who I definitely need to be friends with.

Vines Of The Week Including Milking Bill Walton

I would pay good money to see Bill Walton milked.  And my UCLA hatred for Russell Westbrook couldn't help me from being amazed at this coast-to-coast two handed tomahawk dunk.  He's literally unstoppable right now.  4 straight triple doubles, with facial reconstruction surgery in the middle.

Bob Barker Beats Up Adam Sandler Again

I wasn't expecting much from this video, so I was pleasantly surprised to see that Adam Sandler can still make me laugh.  I actually thought I somehow missed Bob Barker's death with the In Memoriam picture on the screen at the end, and it wasn't until they said Adam Sandler was also dead that I realized the joke was still running.  It's been too long since I've watched Happy Gilmore.

Karl Malone Raped 13 (Possibly 12) Year Old In 1983

Somebody tweeted out a link to Demetress Bell's Wikipedia page yesterday highlighting the very first paragraph in the "Early Life" section.  The spelling of his name was an amusing start for me, but then it took a turn for the absurd.

"Bell, who spelled his first name "Demetrius" until 2012, when he learned his name was actually spelled "Demetress," was born in 1984 to Gloria Bell, then aged 13, of Summerfield, Louisiana.  According to Gloria Bell, Demetress' father is Karl Malone."

Some quick Google math reveals that The Mailman was 20 years old when he raped and impregnated a 13 year old (possibly 12!!) Gloria Bell.  The statute of limitations in Louisiana is 30 years after the victim turns 18, so Karl Malone should be on pins and needles for another 16 years.  With all the current attention on Bill Cosby casting-couching young actresses or the head of the fucking International Monetary Fund admitting that he ONLY organized 12 orgies in the last 3 years, how is it that Karl Malone is given a pass??  Somehow Shawn Kemp is synonymous with deadbeat Dad when it comes to the NBA, and that definitely needs to change.

Do you remember how disgusted you were at the children sex slaves in Louisiana during True Detective on HBO?  Well yeah... this is real life.

Danny Espinosa's Epic Mustache

I will always have a soft spot for famous people who went to Mater Dei High School with me.  Danny "Espy" Espinosa had a full beard as an incoming freshman, so this epic mustache shouldn't be much of a surprise.  It looks like the entire Nationals team has already started their playoff beards.