Wednesday, September 23, 2015

My Favorite Yogi-isms - RIP Yogi Berra


90 years is a great run, especially as a New York City legend.  He was a good golfer too.  Some of these oxymorons are essentially one-liners that contain more truth than some would like to admit.

On how events sometimes seem to repeat themselves: "It's deja vu all over again!"
On selecting a restaurant: "Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded."
On pregame rest: "I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4."
On his team's diminishing pennant chances: "It ain't over `till it's over."
On his approach to playing baseball: "Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical."
On learning: "You can observe a lot by watching."
On school: "I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did."
On travel directions: "When you come to a fork in the road take it."
On battling the shadows in left field at Yankee Stadium: "It gets late early out there."  
On his approach to at-bats: "You can't think and hit at the same time."
On a slipping batting average: "Slump? I ain't in no slump. ... I just ain't hitting."
On switch hitters: "He hits from both sides of the plate.  He's amphibious."
On that day's game: "We made too many wrong mistakes."
On the bench players' quality: "We have deep depth."
On baseball attendance: "If people don't come to the ballpark, how are you gonna stop them?"
On the 1973 Mets: "We were overwhelming underdogs."
On economics: "A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore."
On being told he looked cool: "You don't look so hot yourself."
On being asked what time it was: "You mean now?"
On a spring training drill: "Pair off in threes."
On the weather: "It ain't the heat, it the humility."
On being given a day in his honor: "Thank you for making this day necessary."
On fan mail: "Never answer an anonymous letter."
On philosophy: "If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be."
On death: "Always go to other people's funerals. Otherwise they won't go to yours."
On the fractured syntax attributed to him: "I really didn't say everything I said."

Waka Flocka Flame Wants Me Off The Sidewalks


Waka Flocka Flame's name was on a list of people who've declared their candidacy for the President of the United States, so I decided to investigate his platform.  Call me an asshole, but I very much assumed he was pro-marijuana before I even came across his announcement video.  Everything was going pretty smoothly, since I don't want animals in restaurants (or planes) either.  But then he crosses the line at the 1:27 mark in the video, needlessly going after size 13 feet.  Flocka is basically saying that every basketball player ever must stay off the streets.



That has to be the most random, unprovoked attack on my mutant toes in a very long time.  What a strange pet peeve for Flocka to have - big feet taking up room on the sidewalk.  Does this mean that he has tiny feet (Read: tiny dick)?  Is this a not so obvious slight directed towards his well-endowed brothers?  That's what I'm choosing to believe.  I really haven't felt this self-conscious about my shoe size since the last time a slimy shoe salesman stuck me in one of those Brannock devices.  "Oh, I have wide, flat, fat feet with alien toes?  Do you have ANY size 13's in the back?"  A Brannock device sounds like something an executioner would use to torture someone before their untimely end.

Happy Birthday Song Copyright Cancelled


A U.S. District Court judge ruled yesterday that the copyright Sony held on the "Happy Birthday To You" song was invalid.  Judge George H. King ruled that he could find no evidence that the song's creators, a pair of sisters named Mildred and Patty Hill, ever transferred copyright of the lyrics to a publisher.  As such, Sony basically just lost a $2 million annual golden goose.  Movies and TV shows have gone to great lengths to avoid the $10k price tag.  The video below is a compilation of happy birthday song alternatives.

Saturday, September 19, 2015

Will Ferrell Wins 40 Yard Dash Vs. My 31 Year Old Buddy

A video posted by Derek Masi (@doofmasi) on

I can't stop watching this.  There is no way to top this life moment.

Thursday, September 17, 2015

Hyperloop Intro Video Boner


It's safe to say that my hefty man-crush on anything and everything Elon Musk is going nowhere.


The Worst Punt Coverage In The History Of Football


It actually looks worse than football in the movies.

Contestant Gets Alex Trebek To Say Turd Ferguson



The only reason I want to be a contestant on Jeopardy is to screw with Alex Trebek during Final Jeopardy.  I'm actually surprised he said Turd Ferguson out loud.  He didn't when Aaron Rodgers tried on an actual Celebrity Jeopardy.  I've gotten this video sent to me from 5 different sources, so I'm glad that my love for these skits is well known to my friends and family.  Below is the original.


I've been having trouble settling on a Halloween costume, and this one has always been a favorite of mine.  As I'm typing this, Norm MacDonald is playing Colonel Sanders on a KFC commercial, which might be an even better idea.  Decisions, decisions...


Write down any number, any number at all... Sean Connery, you wrote the letter V.  Well I tell you what my friend - V is a Roman numeral, so despite your best efforts, you answered correctly.  And your wager...


Where are you right now? ... Sean Connery, let's see what you wrote.  "In Doors" Oh my God, are we recording this?  Let's see what you wagered...