It's My Birthday, And I'll Longform If I Want To

My cousin emailed me this morning letting me know that he hung this poster of LT right above my crib 28 years ago.  He distinctly remembers my mom not being pleased.  I can imagine.  Just in case someone feels like gifting me what I wished for this year, feast your eyes on the TrackingPoint Precision Guided Semi-auto AR-15.

In other news, the LAPD somehow recovered OJ Simpson's Heisman replica trophy that was stolen from Heritage Hall in 1994.  A replica trophy is always given to the school, and I know that USC had another replica trophy made to replace the stolen one.  The question is whether or not USC will do what is right and pay to restore this lost piece of USC history.  And if you're wondering what happened to The Juice's original trophy, he had to sell it at auction for legal bills to Tom Kreissman, pictured in the center below.  It is believed that Kreissman sold the trophy back to the memorabilia dealer OJ allegedly ambushed in Las Vegas named Alfred Beardsley.  Beardsley (pictured right) is the same man who betrayed OJ and helped Ron Goldman extract such an enormous $33.5 million civil settlement given his intimate knowledge of OJ's memorabilia sales going back to 1982.

Busted Coverage posted this picture of Anna Kournikova, and it brought me back to my sexual fantasies of the early 2000s.  How is it possible that someone like her only get 2600 likes on an Instagram picture like this one?  Oh yeah, everyone else hates dog pictures as much as I do.

I'm going to scalp a ticket to the USC vs. Cal basketball game tonight if anyone wants to meet me there.  Cal is a better team, but let's hope the Trojans first home Pac-12 game creates enough fire to possibly pull out a win.  It sucks that I have to avoid the row until Del Taco is demolished.  It would hurt too much to see it today.  My buddy sent me this tweet today showing that the Pac-12 still can't get no respect.

In other news, a dude with two dicks did a Reddit Ask Me Anything last year, and I thought it was fascinating.  Total mindblow.  I couldn't even imagine what growing up with dueling dicks must've been like.  Supposedly his new book tells stories about awkward encounters over the years, but the front cover of the book alone is almost too perfect not to buy.

Lastly, I don't know how I've made it 28 years on God's green Earth and didn't know I shared a birthday with the greatest actor of our generation - Nicolas Cage.  Here are my reactions when I heard such an amazing factoid this morning.

Never Go To The Rose Bowl

As if you needed another reason to avoid the Rose Bowl like the plaque, this video of a tornado ragdolling a massive bounce-house should be enough.  God I hate that place.

Don't Challenge Gaston To Push-Up Contest

Gaston is one of my favorite Disney characters of all time.  His actual job at Disneyland/Disneyworld is to be outwardly pompous and chauvinistic.  In this humiliating video for the challenger, Gaston emasculates this dude while at the same time demeaning the woman who was deemed the prize by saying that she "can't cook or clean."  I guarantee real life Gaston has a hard time turning off this cartoon persona in a bar.  I know I would.  And in other news, I need to trick more people into thinking I'm taking a picture while instead taking an embarrassing video.  The reactions kill me.

White Handshake vs. Black Handshake

This Vine cracked me up.  Dave Chappelle did a skit entitled When "Keeping It Real" Goes Wrong, and it hits on essentially the same topic.  I almost always defer to Chappelle in these types of situations.  On the other hand, Key & Peele did a skit that is absolutely perfect for the Vine above.  Watch that Vine and tell me who is being racist in that scenario.

A Tribute To Broadcasting Legend Stuart Scott

Stuart Scott and Dan Patrick hosting SportsCenter is probably the thing I most remember about the 1990's.  I'd be lying if I said I didn't cry a few times about Stu's passing yesterday.  Rich Eisen's tribute below didn't help.  Nostalgia has no chance but to completely wash over your when you realize how synonymous Stuart Scott's famous "Booyah" catchphrase is with SportsCenter in general.  There isn't a sports fan among us who hasn't thought of Stu when they flip their pillow to the cool side.

Stuart Scott's speech at the 2014 ESPYs after winning the Jimmy V Perseverance Award is something that everybody should watch, whether or not your life has been directly or indirectly affected by cancer.  They didn't think he would even be able to fly to Los Angeles for the event.  Paying no mind to his gaunt frame, Stu delivered the most moving and powerful speech since Jimmy V himself.

Rest in peace forever on the cool side of the pillow, Stu.

2014 Best College Football Gameday Signs

 I know this one was from two years ago, but I still refer to it as the gold standard that all other signs must measure up to.  I should've saved more from this season.

 

 

Funny Things From Bowl Week

The "Save the Jordans" gif has nothing to do with bowl week, but I loved it too much not to share.  Oregon says that the players taunting Jameis Winston and FSU with the "No Means No" tomahawk chop will be disciplined.  Hopefully in the offseason, since no one feels bad for Jameis.

Gotta love Snoop keeping it real.