Friday Randomness

The homer officiating at Pauley Pavilion last night was atrocious.  And this blatant homerism couldn't even help those dumbfucks in Westwood.  On inbounds plays - a defender's hands aren't allowed to cross the baseline - but Bryce Alford is apparently allowed to run past him???  The guilty hands up in the air "I didn't do it" move by Alford clearly shows he knows he fucked up.  Thank God they couldn't even win with the refs on their team.  In other news, Joba Chamberlain got a hilarious tattoo to go along with his elbow surgery scar.

And whomever invented the horse head squirrel feeder will always be a friend of mine.

Pete Carroll's 1st Time Back Speaking At USC

It is worth listening to the whole thing if you want to spend 15 minutes listening to a great motivational speaker, but I've spliced the only important part for you.  And his 'A Better LA' charity has never been stronger.

Couldn't Have Said It Better Myself

Mr. Wonderful tells it like it is.

John Rocker Is My Newest Twitter Follow

I vividly remember reading this SI takedown piece of John Rocker in 1999.  It was one of the more amazing reads that Sports Illustrated has ever released.  Never has an athlete's persona exploded like his did when that article came out.  He has been public enemy #1 in New York since December 23rd, 1999.  You just can't say things like, "The biggest thing I don't like about New York are the foreigners.  You can walk an entire block in Times Square and not hear anybody speaking English.  Asians and Koreans and Vietnamese and Indians and Russians and Spanish people and everything up there.  How the hell did they get in this country?"

Keep fighting the good fight, John.  We need you more than ever.

Jeff Gordon Gets Revenge on Gawker Skeptic

I really enjoyed this.  I remember my "FAKE FAKE" alarm bells going off while seeing the first Pepsi Max commercial, so it's funny to see Jeff Gordon decided to get back at the guy that officially ruined all of the fun.  Plus, the Gawker network has been getting increasingly preachy and liberal over the past year, so they really needed to be taken down a peg or two.  In other news, Richie Incognito got the news yesterday that his parents are filing for divorce.  He proceeded to do exactly what any of us would've rationally done in that situation - take a baseball bat to his Ferrari.

Jimmy Fallon Videos

I don't understand the people that actually stay up to watch The Tonight Show.  Any worthwhile segments always end up on the internet the following day, so suffering through ultra-liberal monologues is completely unnecessary.  I did like seeing Will Ferrell's Obamacare post on Facebook was shit on by thousands of people.

Steve Elkington DGAF

I laughed when I saw this tweet this morning.  It seemed pretty harmless, until Deadspin called him an old asshole for it.  After last week's debacle, I feel like Elk is going to force the PGA's hand into some sort of suspension.  I wish more people were able to laugh at being politically incorrect, but that's a pipedream at best these days.  Along those same lines of being politically incorrect, here's a video of Michael Sam's boner at the combine. 

Godzilla Movie Trailer

I'll admit that I only watched this trailer out of respect to Bryan Cranston, but I was more excited to see it the longer the trailer went on.  I couldn't be worse than Man of Steel.  I also then came across the trailer for Son of God.  I'm surprised I haven't gotten an email from my Mom listing all of the Catholic church's problems with this movie, so maybe it has a chance to chase The Passion of the Christ's religious box office records.  It's basically the New Testament for illiterates, since no one in America reads anymore.  I'm just not sure how they're going to squeeze it all into 2 hours.

RIP Harold Ramis

The mind of Harold Ramis was behind comedy classics Animal House, Caddyshack, Ghostbusters, Groundhog Day, Stripes, Meatballs, & Vacation.  He basically made Bill Murray into what he is today.  Sad sad day for sarcastic assholes everywhere.  I think this description of himself from Knocked Up hits pretty close to home.  This extensive interview in the New Yorker even quotes Martin Short saying if someone in a group of comedians cracks a joke, “everyone skirts their eyes over to Harold first, to see if he laughs.”  So in essence, he was the barometer for what is funny.

As director of Caddyshack, he walked up to Bill Murray and said, "When you’re playing sports, do you ever just talk to yourself like you’re the announcer?"  Murray said, “Say no more,” and did this monologue in one take.

Man Draws Penis For Wife Every Day For A Year

I didn't count, but that seemed like a lot more than 365 different dick pics.  I liked the famous art with superimposed dicks like the Mona Lisa or Nighthawks.  Also, the Jaws movie poster was perfect.

Jamal Crawford Names All His Coaches

This is a truly impressive feat from journeyman guard Jamal Crawford.

Clint Bowyer Barrel Rolls At Daytona

If this video doesn't get you excited for some metal twisting crashes this Sunday, nothing will.  I hope my boy Brad Keselowski can get drunk on TV again soon.

David Attenborough Announcing Curling

 
If NBC would do this instead of miking up to these chicks screaming indiscriminately to brush the ice, Curling would have a much larger fan base.  At least Russia figured it out and chose the hottest chicks to anchor their team.  And I just saw this picture of the women's USA hockey team after their complete collapse at end of the game.  That silver medal may not be displayed for awhile.

Morning Melons with TJ Oshie's Fiancee Lauren Cosgrove

I'm never really surprised when hockey bros pull out of their league, but TJ Oshie has really outdone himself. She's pregnant right now, so I guess the logical question is which came first - the ring or the baby.  I'm guessing she skipped a month or two and whoops... Let's get married!!  If only a temptress like Lauren Cosgrove would pull that trick on me...

Wednesday Randomness

It's crazy to think that Teemu Selanne played in the 1992 Winter games, but it's even crazier to think that he scored the dagger that squashed Russian dreams of a medal in 2014.  Long live the Finnish Flash.  Please send me the website of the street artist who is making these anti-Obama posters and plastering them all over Santa Monica.  I want one.

On a very random note, I've never seen this video of Pete Carroll rocking out on the piano.  Enjoy.

Morning Melons with Kate Upton in Zero Gravity

 

Charlie Sheen Engaged To Pornstar Brett Rossi

Thrice divorced Charlie Sheen seems to only have luck with pornstars these days.  He just announced that he is engaged to lesbian pornstar Brett Rossi.  It makes sense that he would take a step back from hardcore pornstars and stick with the much more understandable lesbian pornstars.  I never thought he would marry Kacey Jordan, since you can't marry someone who allows their be-hymen to be taken on camera.  I bet that wedding is gonna be an awesome party...

Dad Tapes Kids Falling On Ice, Can't Stop Laughing

This video is absolutely hilarious.  I guarantee this dude's daughter is awesome, cuz her Dad is everything I aspire to be when it comes to carpool lines.  Well worth the 5 minutes.

Elk Cracks Me Up

 

Only an Australian dude could get away with this.

USA-Russia Hockey Shootout

I know the above picture looks like a video, but I had to take a screenshot of how bad Barry Melrose's tailor is.  That suit would fit Shaq.  If you want to watch the ridiculous shootout, here is the link.  Do you believe in miracles?  YES!!  Did you know that you can reuse the same shooter every time after the original 3 penalty shots have been taken?  No.

Valentine's Day for Single Guys

 I can't decide which one applies more perfectly to my day.

Pictures of the Week

Sports Illustrated just gave a big middle finger to the Victoria's Secret catalog.  Predictably, the feminists will be out in full force hating on this swimsuit issue cover.  This picture also raises the likelihood that now more than 75% of wives are going to trash this magazine before their husbands get home.  ESPN put up this graphic yesterday of Derek Jeter's roster, and it's Dicaprio-esque from top to bottom.  All I can say is, Yeah Jeets!!

The Olympics is an amazing time for ridiculous pictures.  The inside of the podium jacket our competitors are given before the singing of the national anthem is awesome.  The slalom was so difficult / slushy, that the majority of competitors did not finish.  A Russian grandma started using her first ever digital camera.  And the eagle helmet for the skeleton is so America it hurts.

 

Evan Turner of the 76ers sent out this Instagram of teammate Stephen Hawes' home toilet paper.  You all now know what to get me for Christmas 2014.

Al Michaels Tells DP To Go "Get Lucky"

On that note...

OJ Simpson's On A Hunger Strike

The Juice is going on a hunger strike in prison, as he is so depressed after losing his appeal against bogus kidnapping charges last year.  He's quoted, "I used to live my way, and now I'm going to die my way."  I don't normally give hunger strike stories much of a 2nd look for a couple of reasons.  In the case of Guantanamo Bay, I'm fine with all of those unfortunate souls starving to death, so good riddance.  But in the United States, especially with someone as high profile as OJ, they're going to put him on a feeding tube before anything bad actually happens anyway.  A closer reading of the article goes on to explain that his children get his pension money if he dies in jail.  If he gets paroled in 4 years, the Goldman's are still entitled to millions of dollars in restitution for a crime he clearly didn't commit.  See below.

In other news, we have moved into 2nd place in the medal count behind Norway and in front of Canada.  Two downhill skiers tied for the gold medal, yet they refuse to use thousandths of a second for no discernible reason.  Comcast & Time Warner are scissoring into the world's worst cable provider / monopoly, only furthering the cutting of cords nationwide.  My true fear of women wising up to their subsidizing of my sports programming just got one step closer to coming true.  I randomly looked up Curling shoes last night, since I have no idea how they work.  My search didn't really help.  Then I saw this.  Makes sense.

Halfpipe Evolution

I was thinking that the halfpipe had turned much more into the superpipe, but I had no idea how much the dimensions have changed since Nagano in 1998.  Double the height and 1/3 longer is quite a difference.  Supposedly the wider flat bottom is easier on the knees, but I think this is just an attempt to send Shaun White & Co. that much higher.  In other news, America's ho-hum Olympics rolls on after yesterday without medals in the halfpipe or 1000m speed skating.  And to make matters worse, we're losing to our hat.

And this is just fun to look at.

Ski Ballet Is Better Than Figure Skating

I have been fairly underwhelmed with NBC's Olympic coverage thus far, so I wish events like this could take over for night #5 of figure skating pairs.  I love curling, even though are American teams are getting curbstomped.  The Brits actually hung a 7 pointer on the US women earlier this morning.  I've played shuffleboard with my "thousand yard" blackout stare better than that.  Just disappointing.

Kentucky's New Basketball Stadium - Rupp Arena

The new Rupp Arena is scheduled to be ready for the Fall of 2017.  Deadspin just posted this video below about a 7'1" Durant-esque high school sophomore named Thon Maker.  Remember that name, because Rupp Arena is going to have a great tipoff season when he makes a pit stop there.

PS - Thon Maker is such a good name, it has to be fake.  Maybe Jonathon Maker.

Jay Cutler DOOOONNNNNTTTTT CAAAAARRRRREEEEE

H/T to Kissing Suzy Kolber - An anonymous random Bears fan sent in this hilarious Jay Cutler story that is perfectly believable.  Maybe a little too believable.

Friend is in a bar in Chicago during the off-season. He goes to the bathroom and sees Jay Cutler, hat on backwards, taking a piss at the urinal. So the guy starts going to the bathroom and says, “Hey, I’m a huge fan, also went to Vanderbilt… ”

Jay throws his head back, still pissing, eyes half-closed because he’s drunk, interrupts him with, “DOOOONNNNNTTTTT CAAAAARRRRREEEEE.”

So now I can’t stop yelling, “DOOOOONNNNNTTTTT CAAAAARRRRREEEE.”

I would apologize ahead of time to my roommates for my new catch phrase, but I DOOOOONNNNNTTTTT CAAAAARRRRREEEEE.

I Can't Stop Looking At Costas' Pinkeyes

Samuel L. Jackson Is NOT Lawrence Fishburne

This video cracked me up.  Made my morning.  Samuel L does NOT appreciate everyone on Twitter confusing him with Lawrence Fishburne.  The stereotypical black hate he rattles off to make KTLA schmuck Sam Rubin progressively more and more uncomfortable is absolutely classic.  On another note, I truly think this Dave Chappelle skit is the reason SLJ signed on to do Snakes on a Plane.

Smug Putin Gif Wins The Day

I can't stop watching Putin's smug nod of approval to Bode Miller's demise.  So cold.  Except it's fake and was spliced from his response to Russian figure skater Yulia Lipnitskaya's free skate performance.  I love using Twitter as an anti-Putin propaganda machine.  I agree with Ashley Wagner thinking her score was "bullshit."  And this first person account of the downhill is really watered down, but it's still fun.

GIFs Of The Day

Opening ceremonies went about as well as could be expected.  This steadied view of what it's like to do a little ski jumping is hard to imagine but fun to appreciate.  The luger that somehow gets back on the luge is remarkable.  And the last one just made me laugh.  Hilariously easy target.

Today Was Boring

This creepy new take on the Shake Weight is called the Tug Toner.  It looks like a Comedy Central bit.  Also, this toilet seat in Sochi made me laugh.

Sark's Perfect Signing Day

I thought Adoree Jackson was going to open up a Pandora's box of hatred in me akin to when DeAnthony Thomas took money from Oregon.  I'm very happy my instincts were off.  This video shows how pumped the coaches were to get him as well.

Just two hours later, Juju Smith punks Oregon while putting on a USC hat.

Sark signed every single recruit on our board without having any jump ship throughout the course of the day.  That is very difficult to do as a coach with only 2 months on the job.  Tee Martin was a major contributor to our day as well.  We are even getting a few walk-ons that had scholarship offers elsewhere.  CB Davonte Nunnery from Ventura and Hawaii Player of the Year QB Larry Tuileta are both going to earn their spots at USC.  These are the final rankings on Rivals as of this afternoon.

 

Securing a top 10 class is absolutely massive.  No team has won a national championship without having 2 top 10 recruiting classes since 2006.  USC also jumped into the Top 5 for average Stars per commit.  That is the metric purely for quality over quantity.  It's necessary to note that UCLA jumped up to #8 overall in average stars as well.

The Hefty Lefty - Jared Lorenzen

Many people may not remember Jared Lorenzen, but SEC country coined him the Hefty Lefty while he was at Kentucky.  He even managed to get a Super Bowl ring as Eli Manning's backup in 2004.  In 2011, he became the commissioner of the Ultimate Indoor Football League.  After what appears to be a falling out after a few teams folded, Lorenzen decided to step down as the GM of the Kentucky River Monsters in order to quarterback the team at well over 300 pounds.  After a quick stint with the Owenboro Rage, he is back with the River Monsters and is as hungry as ever to win in what is now the Continental Indoor Football League.  Roethlisberger better watch his back.  Enjoy the Vines below.  Here he is asking for some nachos.