Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Oregon Decides To One-Up The NFL With Pink Uniforms, No One Wins


As I already mentioned during the ALS challenge, Pink October is going to be unbearable.  Oregon just unveiled these uniforms for their Thursday night game versus Arizona.  Nevermind that the NFL gives less than 10% of the proceeds from pink gear to charity, but are you ready for how hard the NFL is going to try to sell this awareness campaign to women viewers.  It literally can't be October fast enough for Goodell.  Pink ribbon on the lapel for his next bomb of a press conference - I'd bet my dick on it.  It's the new American way to bring "awareness," but no change. 


In other news, I was on the Peristyle when I saw this amazing Pac-12 scheduling breakdown.  I cannot really do it justice, so I am reposting it here.  Moral of the story - Fuck Larry Scott in the ass with a pineapple on a stick.

Wives of the SEC Segment Brings You Jen Bielema



Beside every great coach is a coach's wife, except of course in Bret Bielema's case.  The whole video is worth a watch, but you can fast forward to the 2:15 mark for Bielema's space cadet of a wife, Jen Bielema.  The actual Arkansas media guide tells the story of them meeting at a blackjack table in Las Vegas, but my favorite part is where it says she had no idea who he was for 4 months.  Total and complete bullshit.  It would take an even smaller brain than hers to be incapable of figuring out who Bret from Wisconsin was in real life.  There's a 90% chance she knew who he was when she first started talking to him.  No one is in Vegas alone, unless she was "working," so her friends would've found out from other people in the casino.  The "I had no idea the ugly fat guy I was talking to for 4 months was rich" argument isn't going to work on me Jen so save it.  I looked through all of her pictures on Instagram (@jennicoleb), and she thankfully doesn't have a single one with Bret.



I can only imagine how quickly Jen posted this photo of her looking much better than Britney Spears.  Her fingers literally couldn't work her iPhone quickly enough.


Monday, September 29, 2014

Case Of The Mondays - Ryder Cup Edition


It was obvious to me that the U.S. team had no chance after Tom Watson benched Jordan Spieth & Patrick Reed after they steamrolled through their first match.  How anyone can be that stupid is laughable from a captain's perspective.  But at least Bubba & Rickie had fun losing 5 matches without recording a single win.  Quite the showing.  Then in the most awkward golf press conference that has ever been assembled, Phil Michelson is shitting on Tom Watson while sitting about 10 feet from him.



If that video wasn't enough for you, you can watch & read more of the awkwardness here.  Lefty really didn't hold anything back as he throws Watson under the bus.  While I do not really agree with Phil about the pods concept, Watson was almost as bad of a captain as Doofus Love III in 2012.  I understand that hindsight is 20/20, but sitting the only team that crushed in the Friday morning session was the only thing I needed to see.  And Jamie Donaldson is still drunk.


Thursday, September 25, 2014

Kris Jenner (Then Kardashian) Covers "I Love LA"



On the way the see Kershaw clinch the NL West with 3 buddies last night, Randy Newman's classic "I Love LA" came on coming out of a radio commercial.  I laughed and told them that the song will forever remind me of Kris Kardashian Jenner's cover of the song with "I Love My Friends."  I got 3 blank stares back at me.  I don't know how this video never got more play, but OJ scaring me at the 3:22 mark followed up quickly by a few very strange faces is reason enough to suffer through the whole thing.  It's ironic to think how the location of OJ's knife died with Robert Kardashian, as Robert Kardashian Sr. would now have the most motive to expose The Juice after taking one look at Khloe's massive dome.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Betting Ticket - Week 5


I went 9-9-1 last week on my football bets.  Although I only posted 18 bets, I doubled down on Texas A&M curbstomping a coachless SMU, so I counted that one twice.  Some might call that padding the stats, but fuck those people.  Gambling is all mental. 

Single Plays
Michigan State -31
South Florida +34
Penn State -10
Washington State +13
Redskins -3½
Dolphins -4
Chargers -14
Saints -3

Parlays
Michigan State -31, South Florida +34, Penn State -10, Washington State +13
Michigan State -31, Penn State -10, Dolphins -4, Chargers -14, Saints -3

Since I'm sure there aren't enough plays here for the degenerates in all of you, I highly recommend watching/listening the Barstool Pick Em videos/podcasts for both college and pro football.  I would pay just to listen to their hilarious rationales, not even the final picks.

Last Sunday's games -
http://chicago.barstoolsports.com/random-thoughts/barstool-pick-em-nfl-week-3/ 
Link to Podcast
https://itunes.apple.com/podcast/barstool-pick-em/id917319181?mt=2 

And Panda Friend aka Metta World Peace aka Ron Artest will be playing for the Sichuan Blue Whales in China this season, so he obviously needed a new shoe.  This isn't a joke.

Olbermann Hates On Derek Jeter



I really enjoyed this complete takedown of the Derek Jeter farewell tour.  Very few people (Read: Obama) can be so mediocre at their jobs while receiving adulation from every corner of the world.  Please don't pay attention to the fact that today is Obama's one year anniversary of demanding the UN remove Assad from Syria, except today he's asking the UN to bomb Assad's very own enemies instead.  This is what happens when you have a fucking moron making meaningful decisions with worldwide implications.

In other news, Paulina Gretzky announced that Dustin Johnson knocked her up out of wedlock.  It's nice to know DJ was doing something during his PGA Tour mandated leave of absense.  While I know she would never try on a wedding dress with a baby bump, do you think they quickly get shotgunned married now or wait until next summer?  My money's on next summer, if he can keep his nose clean. That's a big IF.


And this Vine of Lefty taking a shot at Rory McIlroy & Graeme McDowell's contentious ongoing lawsuit made me laugh.  I love Phil rustling some feathers before Friday.  I have a hunch this could be an incredibly competitive Ryder Cup.



Lastly, I feel you Wilbon.


Clint Dempsey Proves No One Cares About Soccer



I don't really know why Clint Dempsey would agree to a spot that would make soccer look bad, but I imagine he envisioned those interactions going a lot differently.  This video proves that the World Cup is just a source of nationalistic pride for us.  He even tried to cheat with a Latin guy and a foreigner who clearly cares more about soccer.  No dice.  A buddy sent me this video of a drunk redneck breaking all of his clubs and bag in hilarious fashion.  I promise you will enjoy his commentary.  "Friends of Kathy Watson? Whoever that bitch is" - had me rolling



I think people are rightfully scared of getting viruses in the search for the latest posts regarding the incredible and ongoing Fappening saga.  The first link below is a smaller folder of the best highlights.  The second link is the entire release thus far and will take much longer to download.

Highlights
https://mega.co.nz/#F!wshWxSyY!coohzogAazmSOlaGDfAJqQ
Full Download
https://mega.co.nz/#F!lkJVgYKa!ugSnaG_DPC-eS337w7MHgw

Monday, September 22, 2014

Can't Stop Laughing At Ol' Ball Coach Presser



He's cautiously muttering half-curses under his breath, which makes his rambling thoughts even more hilarious.  I love when he says they have the voters/pollsters fooled.  Laughing at his own ranking in front of the media.  Classic postgame press conference.  In other news, Sports Pickle posted these Honest NFL Headlines for Week 3 that make me wish I could read the long-forms of these headlines.  They are that good.



Lastly, I can't decide which Beast Mode gif from yesterday is funnier.  Marshawn picking up his lost dreadlock for God knows what reason or Marshawn chilling like a boss with Skittles on the brain.

Weekend Roundup With Mark May's Hypocrisy


I am not quite sure how many times this sign was prominently displayed during Gameday, but it was enough to ruin Mark May's day.  After drawing a ridiculously hard line against the freeedom of speech in America & Jameis Winston, the blubbering hypocrite that is Mark May had nowhere to run from this sign.  Estimates are that roughly 1 million football fans checked Wikipedia on May's run-ins with the law, and they were not disappointed.  During his sophomore year at Pitt, May was arrested for disorderly conduct, resisting arrest, criminal mischief, inciting a riot, and making terroristic threats.  He later had two different DUI's to boot as a pro with the (looks over both shoulders) Redskins.  Nothing has better captured the faux-outrage and hypocritical nature of ESPN than this sign.  Except until Wednesday night when South Park lays waste to the NFL/Redskins.

Speaking of hypocrites, Ray Lewis decided to weigh in on the Ray Rice case on Sunday Morning Countdown.  His take really boiled down to just a few enlightening words.



Hey Ray, you are a double murderer who paid off both victim's families.  You can cover up the whereabouts of that white suit, but clearly the moral of the story is to not be dumb enough to get caught on video.  I wish Ray Lewis had the balls to say that video evidence is the only thing that screwed Rice, since lack of video was his saving grace.  In other news, Brian Hartline was penalized for this celebration in the No Fun League.


And Von Miller's safety dance cracked me up.


Friday, September 19, 2014

Betting Ticket - Week 4


Now that USC is out of the College Football Playoff, I can get back to the most important part of football season - gambling.  I picked way too many favorites this week, so take these picks with a grain of salt.  My head still isn't right from the BC loss.  Just can't wrap my head around JR Tavai & Scott Felix refusing to hit the quarterback while relentlessly tackling the same, wrong assignment.  Running out of the shotgun is another mind-boggler, but at least I have whole week to snap out of this mental funk.

Single Plays
Virginia Tech -8
BYU -15
Alabama -15
Oklahoma -8
Oregon State -10
Texas A&M -35
Nebraska -8
Florida State -14½ #FHRITP
Arizona -8
Houston Texans -2
Cleveland Browns +2
Browns-Ravens - Over 42
New Orleans Saints -10½
Saints-Vikings - Over 50
Seattle Seahawks -5

Parlays
Virginia Tech -8, BYU -15, Arizona -8
Virginia Tech -8, Alabama -15, Nebraska -8, Arizona -8, Oregon State -10
Cleveland Browns +2, Browns-Ravens - Over 42, Saints-Vikings - Over 50

In other news, Jennifer Lopez & Iggy Azalea's "Booty" music video is Bootylicious to say the least.


Wednesday, September 17, 2014

I Have One Question For Roger Goodell


With the Vikings reversal taking a mere 14 hours, the NFL looks more inept by the day.  It appears Greg Hardy is headed for Roger Goodell's newly-conjured "Exemption List," which means that the 49ers are next up to be the media punching bag.  I wonder how long Jed York & Harbaugh will holdout before finally suspending Ray McDonald.  I hope no one connects the dots of how long the Santa Clara County DA's office waits to charge Ray McDonald given the Grand Opening of the brand new Levi's Stadium in Santa Clara this past Sunday.  On that topic, the 49ers hilarious letdown during the christening of the new stadium will hopefully haunt the place for years.  Come from ahead losses sting a lot more from your new fully-licensed seat in the fresh digs.

I saw this morning that Adam Scott & Steve Williams are parting ways.  Most people immediately think that a reunion with Tiger is in the works, but that's dumb.  Tiger couldn't allow even partial credit to make its way to Williams for reviving his career, so that's an obvious non-starter.  The real story here is how much of an asshole Steve Williams must be.  I can't imagine he will get another high profile bag given his track record of speaking out of turn.  In other news, Lebron James released his 12th shoe yesterday, except the news coming out of the press conference was all about his obvious hair plugs.  I know that Wayne Rooney did it, and so did Wes Welker (welcome back by the way), but this just goes to prove how much Lebron cares about his manicured appearance.  Also, Rooney & Welker both got sponsorships from their plugs, but Lebron is hoping we wouldn't notice?  Being bald never hurt Jordan's marketability, but then again, neither did the Hitler mustache.


And these two Vines cracked me up.  Adam Jones was so happy about winning the AL East, he threw a pie in a fan's face.  The Ray Lewis one is funny because I think that's what most of us hear.




Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Sorry For Partying, BCS is Back


I've basically been in mourning since Saturday night, so I apologize for taking a few days off.  My golf trip to Boston was all time, so there is a little silver lining to the trip.  I was at the Big A last night to see the Angels clinch the first playoff spot, but Pujols pulled his hamstring in the process.  The Angels still have a long way to win the pennant, but somehow I doubt Joseph Gordon-Levitt's deadbeat Dad cares very much.  In other news, I still haven't stopped laughing since I saw this quote from Jim Harbaugh.



Which of those "two very strong principles in play" outweighs the other?  I just love the way he listed them.  He basically said, "First and foremost, we will not tolerate domestic violence.  And 2nd and foremost-er, we will respect due process more than we will not tolerate domestic violence."  Such classic circular speech patterns would even make Jay Carney blush.  I haven't laughed that hard at a blatant hypocite on TV in a while.  Thanks Jim for getting the hurt out.  It's been a tough few days.

Olbermann was on his soapbox last night about Adrian Peterson and child abuse.  Uncharacteristically, I agreed with him almost 100%.  An NFL player beating a 4 year old child with a tree branch so hard that it breaks the skin is criminally psychotic.  And His text messages prove that he had no remorse for the damage he had imparted onto the child.  Absolutely sickening.  The reason I stated earlier that I agreed "almost 100%" is that Olbermann didn't see any humor in the picture below.  Sometimes you need to make jokes, since the NFL is so serious these days.


And Ditka sticking to his guns/Bears is one of my favorite things about him. 

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

I'm Sick Of Everyone Demanding Resignations


While I agree that 2 games was far too lenient, I don't understand this ridiculous backlash to this video now.  Everybody on their high horse should take a long look in the mirror.  Why does video of the assault need to exist for you to care?  What did this 2nd video show you that you couldn't get from the 1st video of Janay Palmer lifeless on the ground?  I don't understand how the NFL can adjudicate a punishment after months of time to collect information, and then immediately go back on their decision because of bad PR.  Where is the player's association to call the NFL on this bullshit and on these royal powers Goodell seems to think he possesses?  You already suspended him once, now he's suspended a 2nd time because you were getting shellacked on Twitter.  The NFL's kangaroo court has never looked worse.

At the same time, I'm sick of websites like Deadspin and assholes like Keith Olbermann demanding everyone resign ALL THE TIME.  Newsflash - People aren't perfect.  People make mistakes.  Instead of using these opportunities to teach someone the error of their ways, the media is a collective lynch-mob that will turn on you the moment a video pops up.  You could hear about it or even possibly read about it (ya right), but none of that matters until you see the video.  But not the aftermath video, only the video of the act will suffice.  In 2000 years, we still haven't learned a single thing from Thomas the Apostle. 

Gawker/Deadspin sees no irony in this picture below.  Hypocrites.

Monday, September 8, 2014

First Haden Fined, Then Ray Rice Released, Now Penn State Sanctions Rescinded


I always expect Larry Scott to fuck USC over at a moments notice, so I fully expected some sort of fine for Pat Haden.  $25,000 = a big fat yawn from me.  TMZ released the video of Ray Rice knocking out his fiancée in the elevator this morning, quickly causing a nationwide outrage.  I don't understand what people expected to see on the video.  She was a complete rag doll in the original video we all saw.  To be perfectly honest, it looks like he open hand slapped her, but he drove her head down onto the handrail that really knocked her out.  Either way, like I said, I don't know what people expected to see.  Then the NCAA hilariously tried to sneak out the news directly after the Ray Rice news dropped that the Penn State Jerry Sandusky sanctions are evaporating.  This is what happens when you actually sue the NCAA and tell them to fuck off.  They back down because they have no legs to stand on.  Penn State is now immediately eligible for postseason play this year, and they get all of their scholarships back next year (otherwise known as sooner than USC).

NCAA Official Policy = Everyone gets a slap on the wrist (or a kid's ass), except FUCK USC

Mark Cuban's Slippery Slope Claims First Victim


Atlanta Hawk's majority owner Bruce Levenson is the first owner to be claimed by the slippery slope Mark Cuban alluded to after the Donald Sterling situation.  If all of the NBA owners are going to be forced to give up their teams for wanting their arena to be "less black," grab some popcorn.  This is gonna get good.  They are claiming Levenson self-reported, but he only self-reported after an investigation was launched into the Hawks after Danny Ferry read aloud a racist scouting report of Luol Deng on a conference call.  Ferry is quoted, "He's got some African in him. And I don't say that in a bad way."  I'll start the countdown on Ferry's numbered days with the Hawks, and I think a fair over/under would be opening night of the NBA season.  I'll round up to Halloween 2014 with my guarantee that Danny Ferry is history.

Everyone knows I especially appreciate it when scumbags attempt to take the high road after being caught red-handed, and Levenson's self-reporting is case in point.  Adam Silver is lucky Levenson wanted out of the organization, because the discovery process would surely portray David Stern & the NBA in an awful light regarding these exact topics.  Just ask for the emails from right before the new NBA dress code "Allen Iverson Rule" was enacted in 2005.

Nevermind... You can keep your team.

Levenson's email is clearly offensive (Read: no fathers & sons), but for the most part, he just seems like a desperate marketer.  That he wrote this essay on his iPad is the craziest part to me.

1. from day one i have been impressed with the friendliness and professionalism of the arena staff — food vendors, ushers, ticket takers, etc. in our early years when i would bring folks from dc they were blown away by the contrast between abe pollin’s arena and philips. some of this is attributable to southern hospital and manners but bob and his staff do a good job of training. To this day, I can not get the ushers to call me Bruce yet they insist on me calling them by their first names.

2. the non-premium area food is better than most arenas, though that is not saying much. i think there is room for improvement and creativity. Levy is our food vendor so we don’t have much control but they have been good partners. i have wished we had some inconic offering like boog’s barbeque at the baseball stadium in balt.

3. our new restaurant, red, just opened so too early for me to give you my thoughts.

4. Regarding game ops, i need to start with some background. for the first couple of years we owned the team, i didn’t much focus on game ops. then one day a light bulb went off. when digging into why our season ticket base is so small, i was told it is because we can’t get 35-55 white males and corporations to buy season tixs and they are the primary demo for season tickets around the league. when i pushed further, folks generally shrugged their shoulders. then i start looking around our arena during games and notice the following:

– it’s 70 pct black

– the cheerleaders are black

– the music is hip hop

– at the bars it’s 90 pct black

– there are few fathers and sons at the games

– we are doing after game concerts to attract more fans and the concerts are either hip hop or gospel.

Then i start looking around at other arenas. It is completely different. Even DC with its affluent black community never has more than 15 pct black audience.

Before we bought the hawks and for those couple years immediately after in an effort to make the arena look full (at the nba’s urging) thousands and thousands of tickets were being giving away, predominantly in the black community, adding to the overwhelming black audience.

My theory is that the black crowd scared away the whites and there are simply not enough affluent black fans to build a significant season ticket base. Please don't get me wrong. There was nothing threatening going on in the arena back then. i never felt uncomfortable, but i think southern whites simply were not comfortable being in an arena or at a bar where they were in the minority. On fan sites i would read comments about how dangerous it is around philips yet in our 9 years, i don’t know of a mugging or even a pick pocket incident. This was just racist garbage. When I hear some people saying the arena is in the wrong place I think it is code for there are too many blacks at the games.

I have been open with our executive team about these concerns. I have told them I want some white cheerleaders and while i don’t care what the color of the artist is, i want the music to be music familiar to a 40 year old white guy if that’s our season tixs demo. i have also balked when every fan picked out of crowd to shoot shots in some time out contest is black. I have even bitched that the kiss cam is too black.

Gradually things have changed. My unscientific guess is that our crowd is 40 pct black now, still four to five times all other teams. And my further guess is that 40 pct still feels like 70 pet to some whites at our games. Our bars are still overwhelmingly black.

This is obviously a sensitive topic, but sadly i think it is far and way the number one reason our season ticket base is so low.

And many of our black fans don’t have the spendable income which explains why our f&b and merchandise sales are so low. At all white thrasher games sales were nearly triple what they are at hawks games (the extra intermission explains some of that but not all).

Regardless of what time a game starts, we have the latest arriving crowd in the league. It often looks and sounds empty when the team takes the floor.

In the past two years, we have created a section of rowdy college students that has been a big plus. And we do a lot of very clever stuff during time outs to entertain the crowd. Our kiss cam is better done than any in the league.

We have all the same halftime acts that other arenas have but i question whether they make sense. people are on their cell phones during half time. i wonder if flashing on the scoreboard “$2 off on hot dogs during halftime tonight” just as the half ends would be a better use of our halftime dollars and make the fans happier.

We do all the usual giveaways and the fans are usually their loudest when our spirit crew takes the floor to give away t-shirts. It pisses me off that they will yell louder for a t-shirt then for our players.

Our player intro is flat. We manufacture a lot of noise but because of the late arriving crowd and the fact that a lot of blacks dont seem to go as crazy cheering (another one of my theories) as whites, it is not great. Even when we have just returned from winning four straight on the road, i am one of the few people in the arena standing and cheering when our team takes the floor. Bob has kicked around ideas like having the starters coming down aisles rather than off the bench during intros. Sounds cool but may highlight all the empty seats at the start of games.

Not enough of our fans wear hawks jerseys to games. i have just begun to push for ideas like discount food lines for folks wearing jerseys, special entrances, etc. I think we need a committed and perhaps incentivized fan club. We need to realize atl is simply different than every other city. Just adopting nba best practices is not enough. we have to create our own.

I am rambling and could probably go on forever. If you have any specific areas you would like my thoughts on, let me know.
Best,
Bruce
ps — I have cc’d todd and ed so they can chime in with additional or different thoughts.
Sent from my iPad

Sunday, September 7, 2014

USC Beats Stanford 13-10, Haden & Sark Take No Shit



It's uncanny how one-sided the officiating is when USC plays at Stanford.  If Pat Haden hadn't reprimanded the refs, who knows how the 2nd half would've ended?  The ejection of Hayes Pullard was one of the most absurd rulings I've seen against USC in years.  Sark had every right to lose his shit, and the unsportsmanlike penalty on him fired up our sideline as much as anything else.  I felt like I was watching Remember the Titans, with Haden doing his best Coach Yoast impression in order to get the officials to call it fair.



PS - The people calling for Haden to be thrown off the playoff selection committee are retarded.  He already recused himself from voting on USC, as have the rest of the ADs for their schools.

Friday, September 5, 2014

Ron Washington Resigns To Go To Rehab, Someone Owes Me A Dollar


Back in 2010, Ron Washington got in trouble for cocaine as the manager of the Texas Rangers.  I remember thinking what an easy Halloween costume it would be that year if only I were black, but my roommate and I got extra special enjoyment out of his quotes after the incident. If you believe some of this absolute bullshit in the ESPN puff piece, Washington claims it was the first and only time he had done cocaine.  He also claims that he turned himself in without even as much as a drug test being administered.  I wasn't born yesterday, but a manager whose been around "greenies" for years doesn't dabble in cocaine for the first time at age 57.  As laughable as it gets.  He resigned today, citing an "off-the-field personal matter."  I knew that the booger sugar would catch up to him at some point, so it makes sense that he's finally admitting a problem at 62 years of age.  The irony of Washington bumping rails in one room of the clubhouse as the rest of the team douses each other in ginger ale for Josh Hamilton's sake is almost too much for me.  Let's hope Ron gets the help he needs.

100K Pageviews & TGIF Roundup


Snoop Dogg donated these awesome new all black uniforms to his alma mater, the Long Beach Poly Jackrabbits.  Ironically, his son is attending powerhouse Bishop Gorman in Las Vegas, but he's got enough cash to go around.  The internet says Snoop is worth $120 million, so I'm guessing it's somewhere around $100 mil after all of the chronic has been accounted for.

Zack Greinke has always rubbed me the wrong way, so I shouldn't have been surprised by these narcissistic quotes from him. "There were guys I played with that were so stupid that they're really good, because their mind never gets in the way."  Gotta love that line.  Don't hurt yourself patting yourself on the back, Zack.  You're clearly just too smart for your own good.  Greg Maddux never had a problem with being smarter than the batter he was facing.  In other news, this Onion article headline hits the nail right on the head.


I put $20 on Gael Monfils to upset Federer last night, only to reverse jinx my own bet on double match point for Monfils by saying "Federer can't last 5 sets."  No one to blame but myself, but that Monfils backhand was in the air forever.  He never had a chance after that.  FML.  I saw that Tim Tebow has been drafted onto more fantasy football teams than Chad Henne, the Jaguars starter.  This defensive lineman for Eastern Michigan is my favorite person on the All Name Team this year.


Here are a couple of tweets that made me laugh this week.  I couldn't think of a better place to be associated with A-Rod, and I've literally never heard of Lamar University.  Kenny Hill better not play the 2nd half.



And some videos to take you into the weekend.  Ike Taylor reading "... lol jk" made me laugh the hardest.  Tony Reali's goodbye to PTI is just fun to get a look behind the curtain at ESPN.




Seahawks Rout Packers 36-16



This commercial was the only redeeming feature of the Packers night.  The freight train otherwise known as the Seattle Seahawks left the station and ran roughshod all over the Green Bay Packers basically from the opening kickoff.  Seattle won all phases of the game, including the postgame interviews of course.  Jarrett Boykin, who wasn't even targeted once during last night's game, had this to say about Richard Sherman -


He's beatable?  How the fuck would you know Jarrett?  Aaron Rodgers didn't even feign interest in your side of the field.  Calling Boykin a decoy would be an egregious understatement.  Russell Wilson looked like he had even greater command of the offense, with that Auburn-esque fake zone read pass to Ricardo Lockette for a TD.  Here's a fun stat -


I knew when I laid the 6 points last night that it was going to be an easy win, but I didn't expect such a thorough dismantling of a supposed playoff team.  Sure they miss BJ Raji, but that team won't make it out of the divisional round with that defense.  I saw the commentators talking up Eddie Lacy pregame with his Incredible Hulk undershirt.  I doubt The Hulk would get as concussed after lowering his own head into a charging Kam Chancellor as Eddie Lacy did, but I really wouldn't put that past Kam either.  Go get your head "Discount Double-Checked" before you lower it again versus the Legion of Boom.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Famous Speeches With Frank Caliendo Using Other Voices



Morgan Freeman sounds even more ridiculous giving Allen Iverson's "Practice" rant than AI did himself.  And Jack Nicholson as Colonel Jessup in "A Few Good Men" could only be outdone by a drunken Charles Barkley.  I don't know how Mike & Mike kept it together as much as they did.


Apple Really Fucked Up & Allowed "The Fappening"


The more I read about the celebrity nude leak, the more I realize Apple is liable for complacency and insecurity.  All anyone had to do was have an email address, download a password guesser, and try to log on to the person's Find My iPhone remotely.  Nearly all Apple's apps already have brute force (password guessing) protection.  There is no logical reason for Find My iPhone to be any different.  Quite an egregious vulnerability.  Verlander by far got it the worst out of anyone. **cough** BarRafaeli **cough**  I'd seriously guess there is a 50/50 chance Kate Upton breaks up with him for those other skanks in his phone or more likely because of the picture above.  [On a separate note, if you know your ex-girlfriend's password, you wouldn't be human if you weren't curious.]  Buster Olney tweeted out that Verlander has given up the most runs of any pitcher this year.  It truly makes me wonder if these photos were hanging over his head as the hackers extorted him throughout the season.  And this Dodgers fan yesterday is the dean of students in the DGAF School of Kinesiology.  This version of The Dude is the living embodiment of how I feel at The Big A every time I forget how much I hate day games.


Is this what they had in mind with free WiFi at the Rays games? 

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Follow SlutWhisperer On Instagram


Reddit voting this gif from last year's Oscars to the top for three straight days has been making me laugh more and more each day.  More importantly, SlutWhisperer has an absolutely amazing Instagram account.  He's a party photographer that specializes in champagne showers and shame.



With Tiesto.



Bald NFL Quarterbacks Are Funny


I laughed pretty hard when I saw this on Twitter.  I've been wanting to make a similar picture, but instead with the most ostrich-necked quarterbacks I've ever seen.  The leaders in the clubhouse from left to right are Luke McCown, Mike Glennon, and Clint Trickett respectively.  I'm not kidding when I say these seriously aren't Photoshopped.


Humpday Randomness



I saw this quote from UCLA OLine coach Adrian Klemm yesterday, and I think most people would agree with him.  UCLA looked worse than awful on Saturday, so I'm guessing Memphis could run into a buzzsaw this weekend.  I don't care enough to read this massive longform story about ex-Oregon football player Colt Lyerla, but I'll cherry-pick my favorite section.


Don't expect the NCAA to do a single thing about this damning information.  It was already proven that Oregon paid $25,000 to have Lache Seastrunk delivered to the football team.  3 years probation and lose 1 (Read: One) scholarship for three years.  One.  The fucking check came from the Oregon Athletic Department, but a wannabe-agent paying Reggie's parents to get him to leave early costs USC 15 scholarships for three years???  What bizarro world am I living in?  Now another player says he was promised a house and a car.  That's lack of institutional control if I've ever heard it, but I'm sure Nike is paying off the NCAA to stay away.  What a crock of absolute shit.

In other news, Kentucky basketball players are taller than Kentucky cheerleaders.

Fuck Everything About Stanford


I've been asleep at the wheel since all of those celebrity nudes came out, but the annual dove hunt was a success.  My apologies.  This morning I saw a reference to ex-Stanford captain Ben Gardner's tweets from last week.  I really love it when hypocritical dumbfucks like Ben Gardner decide to throw stones from his very own glass house.  Not to mention his glass shoulder, I hope this pussy enjoys the IR this season.  Honestly, these tweets are fucking laughable.  Watch both Stanford captains (... embarrassing for that program) Ben Gardner & Shane Skov fake injuries against Sark last year, only to come back in the game the very next play. 



I don't understand why Gardner would bring up his own history of lying and cheating in order to jab USC, but I appreciate being given the forum to show just how fucked the entire Stanford program has become.  Whether it's captains clearly taking dives or clock operators cheating USC out of the 2010 game, maybe Ben Gardner should try to grasp the meaning of the pot calling the kettle black.  At least our improprieties were OFF the field.  Stanford tries to have a Notre Dame-esque holier than thou attitude, but Shaw is dirtier than anyone in the Pac-12 now that Tosh Lupoi is gone.  The only reason people don't call him on it is the same reason no one calls Obama on all of his bullshit - he's black.  In keeping with this same theme here, Stanford was allowed to stack the selection committee with Tyrone Willingham & Condoleezza Rice, who would be above reproach if only she wasn't Republican.  Race overpowers everything except conservatism, remember that. 

Andrew Luck's fucking voice and neck-beard make him a cross between Andre the Giant and Goat Boy.  More people hate Richard Sherman than those who don't.  The 49ers front office hates Jim Harbaugh so much that they almost fucking traded the coach that got them to 3 straight NFC Championship games.  Can you imagine how fucking unbearable he must be?  Jonathan Martin... Nevermind, that's too fucking easy.  Each and every asshole that comes out of Stanford is the exact same - they're the smartest person in the room, just ask 'em.  They call Stanford "The Farm" because all of the women look like horses, pigs, and cows.  I'd love to know the percentage of Stanford nerds that actually marry a Stanford chick.  I guarantee it's low as fuck. 

Fuck Stanford.  I'm taking the USC moneyline.