Seahawks Rout Packers 36-16

This commercial was the only redeeming feature of the Packers night.  The freight train otherwise known as the Seattle Seahawks left the station and ran roughshod all over the Green Bay Packers basically from the opening kickoff.  Seattle won all phases of the game, including the postgame interviews of course.  Jarrett Boykin, who wasn't even targeted once during last night's game, had this to say about Richard Sherman -

He's beatable?  How the fuck would you know Jarrett?  Aaron Rodgers didn't even feign interest in your side of the field.  Calling Boykin a decoy would be an egregious understatement.  Russell Wilson looked like he had even greater command of the offense, with that Auburn-esque fake zone read pass to Ricardo Lockette for a TD.  Here's a fun stat -

I knew when I laid the 6 points last night that it was going to be an easy win, but I didn't expect such a thorough dismantling of a supposed playoff team.  Sure they miss BJ Raji, but that team won't make it out of the divisional round with that defense.  I saw the commentators talking up Eddie Lacy pregame with his Incredible Hulk undershirt.  I doubt The Hulk would get as concussed after lowering his own head into a charging Kam Chancellor as Eddie Lacy did, but I really wouldn't put that past Kam either.  Go get your head "Discount Double-Checked" before you lower it again versus the Legion of Boom.

Famous Speeches With Frank Caliendo Using Other Voices

Morgan Freeman sounds even more ridiculous giving Allen Iverson's "Practice" rant than AI did himself.  And Jack Nicholson as Colonel Jessup in "A Few Good Men" could only be outdone by a drunken Charles Barkley.  I don't know how Mike & Mike kept it together as much as they did.

Apple Really Fucked Up & Allowed "The Fappening"

The more I read about the celebrity nude leak, the more I realize Apple is liable for complacency and insecurity.  All anyone had to do was have an email address, download a password guesser, and try to log on to the person's Find My iPhone remotely.  Nearly all Apple's apps already have brute force (password guessing) protection.  There is no logical reason for Find My iPhone to be any different.  Quite an egregious vulnerability.  Verlander by far got it the worst out of anyone. **cough** BarRafaeli **cough**  I'd seriously guess there is a 50/50 chance Kate Upton breaks up with him for those other skanks in his phone or more likely because of the picture above.  [On a separate note, if you know your ex-girlfriend's password, you wouldn't be human if you weren't curious.]  Buster Olney tweeted out that Verlander has given up the most runs of any pitcher this year.  It truly makes me wonder if these photos were hanging over his head as the hackers extorted him throughout the season.  And this Dodgers fan yesterday is the dean of students in the DGAF School of Kinesiology.  This version of The Dude is the living embodiment of how I feel at The Big A every time I forget how much I hate day games.

Is this what they had in mind with free WiFi at the Rays games? 

Follow SlutWhisperer On Instagram

Reddit voting this gif from last year's Oscars to the top for three straight days has been making me laugh more and more each day.  More importantly, SlutWhisperer has an absolutely amazing Instagram account.  He's a party photographer that specializes in champagne showers and shame.

With Tiesto.

Bald NFL Quarterbacks Are Funny

I laughed pretty hard when I saw this on Twitter.  I've been wanting to make a similar picture, but instead with the most ostrich-necked quarterbacks I've ever seen.  The leaders in the clubhouse from left to right are Luke McCown, Mike Glennon, and Clint Trickett respectively.  I'm not kidding when I say these seriously aren't Photoshopped.

Humpday Randomness

I saw this quote from UCLA OLine coach Adrian Klemm yesterday, and I think most people would agree with him.  UCLA looked worse than awful on Saturday, so I'm guessing Memphis could run into a buzzsaw this weekend.  I don't care enough to read this massive longform story about ex-Oregon football player Colt Lyerla, but I'll cherry-pick my favorite section.

Don't expect the NCAA to do a single thing about this damning information.  It was already proven that Oregon paid $25,000 to have Lache Seastrunk delivered to the football team.  3 years probation and lose 1 (Read: One) scholarship for three years.  One.  The fucking check came from the Oregon Athletic Department, but a wannabe-agent paying Reggie's parents to get him to leave early costs USC 15 scholarships for three years???  What bizarro world am I living in?  Now another player says he was promised a house and a car.  That's lack of institutional control if I've ever heard it, but I'm sure Nike is paying off the NCAA to stay away.  What a crock of absolute shit.

In other news, Kentucky basketball players are taller than Kentucky cheerleaders.

Fuck Everything About Stanford

I've been asleep at the wheel since all of those celebrity nudes came out, but the annual dove hunt was a success.  My apologies.  This morning I saw a reference to ex-Stanford captain Ben Gardner's tweets from last week.  I really love it when hypocritical dumbfucks like Ben Gardner decide to throw stones from his very own glass house.  Not to mention his glass shoulder, I hope this pussy enjoys the IR this season.  Honestly, these tweets are fucking laughable.  Watch both Stanford captains (... embarrassing for that program) Ben Gardner & Shane Skov fake injuries against Sark last year, only to come back in the game the very next play. 

I don't understand why Gardner would bring up his own history of lying and cheating in order to jab USC, but I appreciate being given the forum to show just how fucked the entire Stanford program has become.  Whether it's captains clearly taking dives or clock operators cheating USC out of the 2010 game, maybe Ben Gardner should try to grasp the meaning of the pot calling the kettle black.  At least our improprieties were OFF the field.  Stanford tries to have a Notre Dame-esque holier than thou attitude, but Shaw is dirtier than anyone in the Pac-12 now that Tosh Lupoi is gone.  The only reason people don't call him on it is the same reason no one calls Obama on all of his bullshit - he's black.  In keeping with this same theme here, Stanford was allowed to stack the selection committee with Tyrone Willingham & Condoleezza Rice, who would be above reproach if only she wasn't Republican.  Race overpowers everything except conservatism, remember that. 

Andrew Luck's fucking voice and neck-beard make him a cross between Andre the Giant and Goat Boy.  More people hate Richard Sherman than those who don't.  The 49ers front office hates Jim Harbaugh so much that they almost fucking traded the coach that got them to 3 straight NFC Championship games.  Can you imagine how fucking unbearable he must be?  Jonathan Martin... Nevermind, that's too fucking easy.  Each and every asshole that comes out of Stanford is the exact same - they're the smartest person in the room, just ask 'em.  They call Stanford "The Farm" because all of the women look like horses, pigs, and cows.  I'd love to know the percentage of Stanford nerds that actually marry a Stanford chick.  I guarantee it's low as fuck. 

Fuck Stanford.  I'm taking the USC moneyline.