Best of the Weekend

Trent Dilfer continues to think he's delivering hard-hitting takes no matter how retarded he sounds.  And every 4th sentence is about his work with kids at the Elite 11 camps.  We get it bro.  I didn't watch a minute of Gameday, but Katy Perry supposedly had better picks than Corso.  Here she is slamming a beer before a stage dive at a dive bar in Oxford, Mississippi.

#55 for the Chiefs should actually be investigated for shaving points.  There is no possible excuse for what happened on that play other than having money on the 49ers.

While I was initially worried about The Fappening ruining nudes and sexting for the rest of us, Candice Swanepoel just flipped that rationale on its ass.  Her naked selfies were leaked last month, so that must've flipped the DGAF switch in regard to going topless.  I'm all for #FreeTheNipple, but the irony of The Fappening kick-starting the formerly feminist movement is almost too perfect.

Candice Swanepoel - Topless in Maui

Lastly, I saw this gif on Reddit, and I feel like my whole life has been a lie.

He Won't Resign, So USC Must Fire Justin Wilcox

This weekend in sports has actually made me re-evaluate my life and my priorities.  ASU was able to rack up 244 yards in 45 seconds in 6 plays for 21 points with no timeouts and a backup quarterback in one of the largest collapses fathomable in the game of football.  I want to cancel my trip to Utah.  Next Saturday is going to be a bloodbath, so maybe Haden should just set up now at long term parking at LAX.  This team will be lucky to win another 2 games.  The fact that USC is paying Clancy Pendergast 7 figures NOT to coach this defense is driving me up a fucking wall.  

Of course ESPN is only showing the Hail Mary since they didn't watch any of the non-SEC game.  The Hail Mary has nothing to do with what happened last night.  The 19 yards per pass play against the most obvious Cover 2 in history gave me flashbacks of Monte Kiffin's final season.  Wilcox's dumbfuck scheme includes pulling Sua Cravens, debatably our best defender, on nearly all third downs.  What in the actual fuck?  Sua is the only player with a nose for turnovers, yet we are pulling him on throwing downs????  Am I missing something????  Where was Sua on the Hail Mary you may ask - He was playing linebacker at the line of scrimmage while Hayes Pullard was sent back for the throw.  Just fucking think about that for a second.  Sua was a safety 6 months ago.  This is the sort of stupidity that is running rampant at USC right now.  With about 6 minutes left in a game USC was leading by 9, my buddy and I were hating on USC's continued snapping of the ball early in the play clock as Buck Allen was marching down the field.  14-16 seconds remained on each play clock at the start of every successive run.  Explain that to me Sark.  I. Am. All. Fucking. Ears.

Sark took less than no responsibility after the game, instead just giving us his usual bullshit coach speak.  Zero accountability.  Wilcox should've resigned on the spot.  Let me reiterate - ASU was able to rack up 244 yards in 45 seconds in 6 plays for 21 points with no timeouts and a backup quarterback.  USC was up by 9 with 3 minutes left, yet ASU was able to score 14 points without a timeout and without recovering an onside kick.  That's fucking impossible.  USC was willing to trust the long-snapper on field goals but not on punts??  Am I living in another universe?  That makes no fucking sense.  Bercovici quick-kicked against us on the first drive of the game, and that alone inspired Sark to have Cody Kessler be our punter for the rest of the day.  Keep in mind that USC had never practiced this, and Kessler hadn't hit a punt since high school.  Who in their right mind would've thought Kessler was less risky than a backup long-snapper to an actual punter?  No one, except of course this retarded coaching staff.  My buddy told me how literally dumb/stupid Sark was before the season started, and I was foolish not to believe him.  The FIRE WILCOX t-shirt I mocked up on Custom Ink might be the best $25 I've spent in years.  FIRE SARK is not far off.  I was a Kiffin apologist for too long, and I will not make that mistake again.

Fuck Sarkisian, double-fuck Kevon Seymour, and triple-fuck Justin Wilcox with a rusty pole.

WE ARE STILL PAYING PENDERGAST NOT TO COACH THIS TEAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#FeelingNuts Just The First In Offensive Awareness Campaigns

My sister just alerted me to the absurd #FeelingNuts campaign for testicular cancer awareness.  I thought she was joking until I saw this picture of Hugh Jackman and his bottoms at the gym.  I don't like that bald guy's eyes following me around the room with that weird look on his face.  Creeps me out.  Jackman very well might have testicular cancer on the brain considering the amount of steroids he's taken getting prepared for his roles in SEVEN X-Men movies as Wolverine.

On the other hand, #FindingLumps is still my idea.

Akon Goes Bubble Boy In African Concert

These pictures of Akon doing a concert in Africa literally in a bubble have to be the funniest thing you will see all day.  Impossible to top.  Terrible press for the Democratic Republic of Congo (42 dead of Ebola thus far), but I think this really just begs one question - How poor is Akon right now?  You would have to pay me $1 million to go to Dallas right now, better yet the Congo.  #EbolaIsHere

Coming In Hot - Stevie Wonder Isn't Blind

Deadspin - Stevie Wonder Is Not Blind: The Evidence

Bomani Jones is the funniest and least #KillWhitey out of all the African American talking heads at ESPN, and his show with Dan LeBatard in Miami is so good that they're looping it out to LA now.  I have always thought Stevie Wonder had some sort of sight, but I guess this debate is fodder for some sort of urban legend.  Regardless, Deadspin does a classic breakdown of all the evidence that Boy Wonder can indeed see, with the picture below cracking me up the most.

Betting Ticket - Week 6

In no great surprise to me, I went 3-1 in college football and 2-2 in pro.  0-fer on parlays is getting bothersome though.  Maybe I'll hit one this season.  I always have a better feel for college football at this time of the year.  Last Friday I got a line on a UFC fight where a guy was taking a dive.  After getting a few friends and thus a few thousand dollars on some schmuck I'd never heard of, the wrong guy took a dive.  Classic goof.  Glad my "sure thing" only cost me $100.  In other news, the UFC has rigged fights.  Don't believe me - watch this glancing blow followed by a dive and an early called fight by the ref.  Everyone was in on it except me.  FML.

Single Plays
Stanford -1½
Wash St. -3½
Baylor - 17
Auburn -7½
Steelers -7½
Cowboys -6
Eagles -7½

Parlays
Wash St. -3½, Baylor - 17, Auburn -7½
Steelers -7½, Cowboys -6, Eagles -7½

And if you haven't seen it already, the t-shirt Gatling gun at Auburn is amazingly ridiculous.

TweetMates - USC Teammates Reading Each Other's Tweets

While it wasn't designed to be as funny as Mean Tweets on Jimmy Kimmel, this rendition did not disappoint.  Adoree Jackson has probably played more snaps than any USC true freshman ever, and with tweets flying out of a Twitter handle like @AdoreeKnows praising BJ's Pizza's almighty pazookie, you know there is a reason why.  A pazookie is a pie tin filled an inch high with chocolate chip cookie dough.  It is warmed, but not baked entirely.  Then they throw two scoops of vanilla ice cream on top and serve the whole thing melting.  The pazookie dessert is 2nd only to a world class bread pudding.  On a side note, Adoree's Twitter Avatar is Reggie Bush leading the band on the ladder.  That made my day.  Then Max Browne is tasked with deciphering Telfer's ebonics birthday message to Nelson Agholor.  Solid effort all the way around.  In other news, Microsoft released Windows 10 yesterday to the world, somehow expecting none of us to ask the obvious question - What happened to Windows 9??  I felt like I was reliving This Is Spinal Tap's famous scene when I read that press release.