National Championship Recap

Twitter exploded pre-game over Busted Coverage's picture of Oregon Cheerleading coach Corine Lewis.  Rightfully so, but 42 year old fake tits don't always do it for me.  On the other hand, I was mesmerized by Maggie Rouse in the front row of Oregon's Cheer squad.  She's perfect.  I guess I have more pent up hatred for LeBron than I thought, because it pained me to see this picture of him celebrating with Ohio State.  Considering LeBron & Drake did not go to Ohio State or Kentucky respectively, who grinds your gears more as a bandwagon fan?

Jimmy Kimmel's Mean Tweets to ESPN personalities were fantastic, with SVP aka Penis Man cracking me up the most.  And I tried my best at Crank Yankers - Lee Corso mashup.

Anaheim Ducks Retire Teemu Selanne's #8

It's always tough to say goodbye to a legend, especially one that has been the heart and soul of one of your favorite sports franchises.  Teemu Selanne is rightfully the first Anaheim (Mighty) Duck to ever have his jersey retired.  Thanks to the greatest Dad in the world, I had a pretty good vantage point for the festivities last night. 

People have a tendency to forget how incredible the Finnish Flash was throughout his entire career.  Teemu's responsible for my favorite goal celebration of all time even before he made it to Anaheim.  This classic gif is from his rookie season, when broke Mike Bossy's record for goals in a season by a rookie.  Except he went on to score 20 more to get to 76 goals on the season, otherwise known as the 5th best season EVER.  As a rookie.  76 rookie goals is a record that will never be touched.

I've had the privilege of caddying for Teemu Selanne twice in my life.  I used to caddy for my Dad's friends in the summer, and one day I got the offer of a lifetime - a chance to caddy for one of my heroes.  Teemu called me "Little John" the whole day, but the kicker was on the 17th tee.  My Dad's buddy challenged Teemu saying that I could knock it closer than him.  I did, and we had a good laugh.  I thought that was the end of it.  Directly after the round, Teemu handed me $120 but wouldn't let go and said, "Little John, let's go double or nothing on 4 holes."  I had just caddied 18 holes for the man, so my natural response was, "How many strokes do you want?"  The group busted up.  I was dead serious.  We settled on one stroke for Teemu.  Four holes later I was up 2 strokes and Teemu handed me $250.  Best. Day. Ever.  The second caddying loop wasn't quite as memorable, but Teemu did let me sit shotgun as he spun the tires on his Ferrari 360 Modena.  Oh, and he has the Happy Gilmore hockey stick putter too.  What's not to love?

The Only Cool Thing I Heard About CES

There are a lot worse Ryan Reynolds movies than Definitely, Maybe, but none of them has left such a random, lasting, and angering memory on my brain.  Where the fuck are those bluetooth headphones from the opening credits?  This movie came out in 2008, and I've basically been looking for them ever since.  It's also the reason I hate LeBron's "wireless" Beats headphones.  I guess something is wireless now if LeBron just says so.

But I digress.  A company that goes by the name Bragi appears to be the closest to making these earbuds a reality with their Dash prototype.  Bragi has delusions of grandeur about the earbuds becoming as interactive as Google Glass in the future, but I wish they would just focus on getting these headphones to market already.  There are a few other pretenders you can read about here.

Oregon Wins By 11 Tonight

I don't think Oregon will have to re-hatch Robo-Duck to win tonight, but I'd be willing to try.  A few people have asked me who I'm rooting for in the National Championship game.  The simple answer is that I don't really care now that the Alabama and the SEC West got embarrassed.  Here is the true order of my college football hatred:

1. UCLA
2. Notre Dame
3. Stanford
4. Cal
5. Texas
6. SEC schools not named Vanderbilt
7. Oregon

Some might ask why I'm not rooting for Ohio State by those metrics, but they are forgetting that Urban Meyer played a massive role in #6.  That fucking Tebow plaque, the arrest records at Florida, bailing due to some bogus health issues, running from Saban... the list goes on.  Urban Meyer is the fucking worst, and he'll run away from Harbaugh soon enough.  I'm sure the Browns will be hiring.

Allison Williams Has Her Ass Eaten

I'll admit it.  I have a thing for Allison Williams.  Not enough of a thing to actually watch Girls, but it's still there.  The last image I had of Williams before this morning was of her playing the role of little boy Peter Pan, so this gif helped get me back to neutral.  I think the gif of her masturbating is still better though.  You be the judge.

 

Where Will You Be When The Drugs Kick In

These gifs from Reddit cracked me up over the weekend.  I'll admit that it was this hilarious Eminem one that sucked me in, since I actually witnessed that one live.  And now I miss It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia.  Here are a couple of my favorites.

 

And this one is just a personal favorite of mine that I've kept for the past year.  Definitely fits here, and I think it's necessary to remember Paulina pre-baby.  Do you think they name it Wayne just so that he will finally let them get married?

Nicole Kidman Calling Out Fallon Is Hilarious

Jimmy Fallon legitimately had no idea that he went out on a date with Nicole Kidman.  How he could be so oblivious to the "let's go over a script" line, I have no idea.  That's the equivalent in college to asking a girl to come over "to watch a movie."  Come on dude.  Since all of these late night shows are scripted, it was nice to see what I believe to be a genuine reaction from Fallon.  In other news, oil magnate Harold Hamm tried to pay off his ex-wife with a $974,790,317.77 check for their divorce settlement.  She says he would drunkenly rave about being worth $20 billion, so I can see where she's coming from.  But fuck.  I could never tear up a billion dollar check.