USC Crushes Fresno State 52-13, UCLA needs 3 Defensive TDs to Win

The thorough shellacking at the Coliseum yesterday was exactly what the Trojan Family needed after just about the worst week ever.  Kessler looks fantastic, and we have too many options at wide receiver.  We never went 5-wide at any point yesterday, but it appears we could start about 6 or 7 different players opposite Nelson Agholor.  Juju Smith & Adoree Jackson are going to be extremely fun to watch for the next couple of years.  Two absolute beasts on both sides of the ball.

UCLA needed three defensive touchdowns in the 2nd quarter against Virginia in order to sneak by a very inferior team.  Heisman hopeful Brett Hundley didn't even have a touchdown through the air.  His happy feet in the pocket are even worse than last year, so as long as you take away his legs, UCLA won't be blowing anybody away.  Myles Jack was fairly invisible, but I see he assisted on twice as many tackles as the next guy.  Sounds like some generous stat-padding.  Fuck them both.

And this video gets me so fucking pumped for the rest of the season.  Kevin Sumlin is the shit.

Most Plausible Josh Shaw Explanation Revealed

I realize all of these Josh Shaw stories have to be taken with a grain of salt, especially if someone is a Jim Rome "Clone" and is already operating under the @NephewOJoshShaw twitter handle.  Either way, I believe this story is the most plausible one we've heard up until this point.  This story claims that Shaw was hooking up with his girlfriend's roommate when his girlfriend came back to the apartment.  The jumping out of the window makes perfect in this scenario.  Shaw fucked up by giving USC the same line of bullshit he fed his girlfriend (and LAPD) to keep her off his trail.  It also makes sense that it would be filed as a burglary if said nosy neighbor called the cops due to suspicious activity.  Shaw was just hoping USC was still operating under the "no injury updates" mantra Lane Kiffin handled so well with the media.  Instead the USC Athletic Department ran a heart-warming story about its newly-minted captain.  The rest is history / internet fodder.

In other news that doesn't depress me, Russell Wilson took some heat from Internet trolls about his supposed erection in this Sports Illustrated cover.  What these people are clearly forgetting is that Super Bowl victories add 1 extra whole inch to your penis.  It's science.  Ask Terry Bradshaw.  Also, Kaepernick is the only QB out of the 8 used for the regional covers to go shirtless.  If you can't win the big game, you have to do something to stand out.

I retweeted this last week, but it clearly hasn't gotten enough love.  About as good as it gets.

Josh Shaw Admits He Lied About Nephew

So I don't know why it took as long as it did, but this afternoon Josh Shaw finally fessed up about fabricating the Palmdale drowning nephew story.  It appears he was at his girlfriend's USC apartment, and the cops were called due to loud screaming.  After the police knocked on the door, an eyewitness reported someone fitting Shaw's description "shimmying" down the building.  His girlfriend's 3rd floor balcony was 20 feet off the ground.  I don't know why he felt the need to run from the cops, but now he has dueling high-ankle sprains.

Sarkisian announced Shaw has suspended from all team activities indefinitely, and I imagine it will probably stay that way for the rest of the season.  At best Sark will sit him out a few games once he comes back from his injuries.  I've never been more worried about a game against Fresno State.  Our team couldn't have been focused on football for the past two days.  I still think we win but don't cover the 21 points.

I have no idea why Josh Shaw would make up some an unnecessary lie.  It's insanely stupid.  I did appreciate his sister Asia Shaw speaking to USA Today as his ironclad alibi.  There are still so many unanswered questions.  Why did he flea?  If his girlfriend was assaulted, the cops would have a record of an assault instead of an attempted robbery.  Did he actually steal anything?  Why has he lawyered up?  It'll be interesting to see his lawyer's statement this afternoon, but I doubt it will address any of these lingering questions.  At least it wasn't a fake dead girlfriend, but I'm already sick of the drowning nephew jokes.

In other news, I laughed my ass off to Rick Neuhiesel's "Stairway to Playoffs" parody in the car this morning.  He's remarkably talented in comparison to that bumbling idiot coach who got blown out fifty to nothing.

Monday Afternoon Randomness

This picture got to the front page of reddit, and now I am just trying to figure out how to get one of these desk hammocks to market.  Shark Tank here I come!  In all seriousness though, I would pay $100 for that piece of shit craftsmanship, so I think this idea might have legs.  Pardon the pun. 

My sister turned me onto this extremely cool presentation from a very successful 30 year old entrepreneur named Ryan Allis.  If you have some time to kill, this never-ending pdf called Lessons From My 20s provides a ton a fantastic ideas and great motivation for lazy slackers like me.
Download here.

After stumbling through some random time-lapse videos, I found this one of soccer fans pouring out of Wembley Stadium after a game between England & Brazil in 2012.  That looks awful, as I'm sure I would get claustrophobic in the middle of that cattle herd.

And last but not least, a minor league umpire strapped a GoPro to his mask for some perspective on 97 mph pitching.  The 1st pitch is fun to see because the curveball scared the batter a little.  That 2nd pitch even made me flinch at my computer screen.  I'm fairly certain that I never could've gotten around on the 3rd pitch.  Enjoy.

USC Safety Josh Shaw Saves Nephew

On Saturday night, senior USC defensive back Josh Shaw was named one of the 6 team captains at the annual Salute to Troy dinner & only hours later unmistakeably proved Sarkisian's point.  Shaw was at a family party in Palmdale on a 2nd story balcony when he saw his 7 year-old nephew struggling to stay afloat in a pool on the ground floor.  With little regard for his personal safety, Shaw jumped off the balcony and landed hard on the pavement.  Despite the pain in Shaw's legs, he was able to save his traumatized nephew.  After going to the hospital, Shaw was diagnosed with two high ankle sprains from the heroic maneuver.  High ankle sprains have a tendency to linger, so it's safe to assume USC's defense will be without his services for approximately two months.  Luckily defensive back is one of the positions will some depth, but USC will be sure miss Shaw in the next few games.

Jurassic Park Grandpa Richard Attenborough Died

I went to bed hoping Suge Knight would be the 3rd Celebrity to die after Robin Williams and Lauren Bacall.  Instead I woke up with the horrifying news of Richard Attenborough's passing.  Attenborough was an uncanny Kris Kringle, and he was awesome as Big X in The Great Escape, but he will always be John Hammond to my generation.  Now I desperately need to watch Jurassic Park and Jeff Goldblum.  And it must be before football season starts up again on Thursday night.  On a related note, I laughed out loud when I saw this hilariously awful trailer on reddit last week.  After the Jurassic Park mania, Theodore Rex somehow got green-lit and "spared no expense" in becoming the most expensive direct-to-video film ever made at the time of its release.  Theodore Rex also has the distinction of being the only direct-to-video film ever nominated for a Razzie.

Tiger Woods Finally Fires Coach Sean Foley

I'm used to Tiger being a complete asshole, but this blowup at the WGC-Bridgestone Invitational woke me up to exactly how unhappy he was. I read an article earlier this month about one of Sean Foley's former students who implored Tiger to leave his coach "on the range."  Paul Azinger said that he never had a two-way miss off the tee for more than a day.  Right-handed players should be able to eliminate the left side off the tee.  I really can't believe Tiger was able to score as well as he did spraying the ball all over the lot this year.

The question is who Tiger will turn to next.  Hopefully he can find a coach that can take some of the torque off his back.  Tiger would never swallow his pride and ask Butch Harmon to coach him up again.  On that same token, I'm not sure Butch would take him back with his current stable of young stars.  Butch's lineage of golfers includes Fred Couples, Greg Norman, Ernie Els, Phil Michelson, Stewart Cink, Nick Watney, Gary Woodland, Dustin Johnson, Jimmy Walker, Rickie Fowler, and of course Tiger Woods from 1993-2003.  My guess is we've never heard of his next swing coach.  And drunken punter Pat McAfee with a topical celebration last night.