UCLA's We, The Optimists Ad Taking You Into Thanksgiving

Rick Neuheisel's "I Don't Know" on DP Show

I don't care if you don't think these are funny.  I do.  And this double f-bomb from Rob Ryan on Monday Night Football was breathtakingly beautiful.

#ROFLMAO Hurricane Ferguson Didn't Disappoint

Watching the news yesterday was absolutely incredible.  At lunchtime, I was gifted a high speed chase from Santa Clarita all the way to Century City.  Then the suspect bails on foot after he is completely cornered, and the cops still manage to lose him.  The KCAL9 helicopter was zooming in on random joggers before they accidentally found the perp on one of the roofs.  Thanks @PCALive for another awesome lunch.  And that was just an appetizer for the mayhem that was about to come.

Everyone that follows the news, understands self-defense, or isn't black had to have the same fiendish pleasure watching the looting and tear gas exchanges as Obama pretended that he wasn't stoking race relations.  It was essentially a personification of everything conservative America despises about the black community.  The juxtaposition of Obama talking while Ferguson burns was the only lasting image of the night.  Another one of my favorite pastimes is waiting for dumbfuck athletes to weigh in with their idiotic two cents.  LeBron James & Reggie Bush decided to bring the stupid last night like no other athletes could.  Reggie repping the Palestinians is so. fucking. dumb.  Fuck You Reggie.

Fox News did a great job last night, although Chris Cuomo at CNN was getting most of the props for reporting through a bunch of tear gas explosions without even flinching.  This was probably the funniest back & forth with an eyewitness reporter all night.

Morning Melons With Soraja Vucelic, Neymar's New GF

While I was trying to find the video of Messi's record-breaking hat trick on Saturday, I came across Neymar's new Serbian, Playmate of the Year girlfriend named Soraja Vucelic.  She's had a lot of work done, including her lips.  Nothing looks as bad to me as Botox'd lips.  She tops it off by being addicted to duck face too, so Soraja isn't exactly my speed.  At the same time, put a bag over her head and she might have the best body in the world.  Soccer WAGs are the most shameless and I love it.  Click on the link below for the NSFW pics.

I Should Just Put My Out Of Office Reply On Now

For a good laugh, I hope you enjoy Marshawn Lynch's 3 minute interview of 1-word answers.  I guess the $100,000 fine worked.  Gisele tweeted out the cutest picture of Vivian Brady watching the Patriots game. 

The USC-UCLA game went just about as I expected.  All of the commentators and pundits who picked USC to win just proved to me what I've always expected - none of them watched either team or the Pac-12 in general this entire season.  Other than the pick-6 early in the game, seeing dumbfuck Eddie Vanderdoes squincing (squint-wincing) from too much eye-black was my only happiness.

Tallahassee still isn't taking assault cases seriously...

And the hater in me is already sick of this catch.  Lynn Swann or bust.

But this photographer's face is pretty classic.

TGIF Rivalry Week Edition - UPDATED

So I completely missed the boat on that first post about Mora's fireless bonfire at UCLA, since students at UCLA protesting the UC-system tuition hikes put a halt to the annual Beat SC bonfire.  As I am accustomed to saying, sometimes the jokes just write themselves.  The students are protesting a 5% annual tuition increase for the next 5 years, but no one wants to shed any light on the protestors true goals.  They want out-of-state students to pay their "fair share" (Read: more).  The UC-system has its formidable reputation partially because out-of-state students are not charged more than in-state students.  On the same day, on the very same campus in Berkeley Westwood, that immigration protestors were chanting for amnesty, the tuition-hike protestors were taking a very public stance in favor of making it more expensive for "immigrant students."  Their hypocrisy knows no bounds.  Fuck UCLA so fucking much.

Any Given Sunday - NFL Parity Wheel

I wish the Redditor that makes these circles of parity every year had a webcam of his face at the moment he realized where to wedge in the Raiders last night.  YAHTZEE!!  And I missed this sign from Lambeau last weekend, but I think it needs to be saved for posterity.  Go Lynx!

This goes back to one of my favorite hypotheticals - Would you rather be given one dollar or have the local WNBA team win the championship?

TGIF Rivalry Week Edition

I hate UCLA.  My friends know that I only refer to them as "the cocksuckers."  It says a lot about my psyche (and not good things) that I would rather have UCLA lose than USC win on any given Saturday.  That said, I can't wait for the game tomorrow night.  Here's Jim Mora attempting to fire up some Asians at UCLA's pep rally last night.  I love how he had to work up the courage to finally drop the f-bomb.  "We don't need a frickin' fire to get it fuckin' turned up."  Class, class, class over in Westwood.  I haven't used the word "frickin" in over 15 years.  Lane Kiffin saying as much would've been ESPN headline news, so I can still enjoy how invisible UCLA is to the national media.  They are ranked 9th in the country, and nobody knows anyone on the team except Brett Hundley.  This makes me happy.  Knowing that UCLA is 3 straight wins from the playoff does not.  And Mike Golic making good on his Notre Dame vs. Northwestern bet made my morning.

This #GruberGate Video Is Perfect

I Missed This During #MACtion Last Night

Kobe Bryant Can't Get No Respect For 32,000 Points

Kobe Bryant has got to be sick & tired of ESPN's constant slighting of his accomplishments.  It was headline news a week ago when Kobe took over the dubious honor of "most missed FGs all time."  Nevermind how consistently dependable you have to be for an automatic green light for 20 years, let's give the "Kobe's selfish" story some more legs.  Give me a break.  Last night, the Black Mamba got a bigger celebration from Hawks & displaced Lakers fans in Atlanta than he did on Sportscenter.  Nevermind that Kobe is going to finish with the most points for a guard in the history of the game of basketball, it's not Kobe's fault Jordan got caught gambling and was forced into baseball for 2 years.  The two headlines ahead and above Kobe's record-breaking accomplishment were "Gayson Collins retires from NBA" and "Mark Cuban - 'I just hope the Lakers suck forever.'"  At this point, I've resigned myself to the fact that every mainstream media source, sports and/or political, is diametrically opposed to anything I support.  USC, the Pac-12, the Lakers, the Seahawks, and the Angels are shat on constantly.  Thank god for Jameis Winston, or I'd never hear the end of Josh Shaw.  And get excited for 5 million new Democrats on Friday morning.  I know I am.

The #SECBias I Warned You About Is Finally Here

I recommend everyone follow @SEC_Exposed on Twitter for a good laugh every Wednesday morning.  Florida State and Ohio State fans have been harping on this all season, since they know they can't lose one game while all might be forgiven for the other 3 conferences.  Their paranoia is rooted in the fact that they know the ACC is essentially equivalent to the Big-10 in the eyes of the football world.  SEC, Pac-12, and Big-12 teams, in that order, are much more capable of overcoming a loss on their record.  Instead of just acknowledging this, the College Football Playoff Committee continues to make it up as they go along.  They have to be thanking Roger Goodell for hijacking the "making it up as they go" storyline.  For anyone who watched the sham last night with Jeff Long, it was like opposite day.  Everything he said was either dead wrong or easily refuted.  The committee even added a new metric to the college football lexicon deemed "Game Control," only to quickly demonstrate that they don't understand it.  Here are some of Jeff Long's reasons for the rankings:

1. "Alabama's team is clearly #1."  They lost to an overrated, soon-to-have 3 losses Ole Miss team, and barely beat a 5-loss Arkansas team on a missed extra point 14-13.  Bama needed LSU to shank a kickoff for a game-tying score to force OT versus 4-loss LSU.  Clearly #1.

2. "Alabama had a decisive victory against Miss St." - They won an ugly game 25-20. Hardly decisive.
3. "Alabama is the country's most complete team." Alabama ranks 2nd in defense & 40th in offense.  Baylor is #1 on Offense & #19 on Defense, so that's complete bullshit on its face.
4. "Miss St. didn't fall out because they were within striking distance of Alabama."  You can't have it both ways.  You've now given credit to Bama for a "decisive" win and to Miss St. for a close game.
5. "Miss St. stayed in the top 4 because of its overall resume."  Miss St.'s biggest wins are LSU (4 losses), Texas A&M (4 losses), & Auburn (soon-to-have 4 losses).  Their out of conference games included Southern Miss, Univ. Alabama Birmingham, South Alabama, & Tennessee Martin.  Baylor doesn't get credit for their loss against West Virginia, even though West Virginia was Alabama's signature win until last Saturday.  TCU's only loss was to Baylor, but they had to come from behind against Kansas.  God forbid.

6. "Florida State remained at #3 and TCU dropped from #4 to #5 because they have not controlled games."  Florida State wins a close game on the road in Miami and is docked points?  Bama would've moved into the top 4 with that win, not moved further away.  And as for TCU not controlling games, TCU beat in-conference opponents by avg. of 16.14 pts. Miss St. avg = 10.5 pts, Baylor avg. = 18.5 pts.  In the retarded, meaningless Game Control rankings, 4-loss Miami was ranked 11th, while undefeated FSU was 34th.  Arkansas was ranked 13th with 5 losses.  Now that's control.

Do you think Alabama will be docked any points this week for playing the cupcake Western Carolina Catamounts at this point in the season?  Don't hold your breath.  And another thing - Why the fuck isn't College Gameday coming to Pasadena for the USC-UCLA game?  The only Pac-12 game Gameday went to this whole season was Michigan State @ Oregon, which is a two-fer for ESPN.  They would never miss a grudge match SEC game like Mizzou @ South Carolina.  Cuz everyone was beating down their door for that game.  This weekend, College Gameday has decided to go to their 2nd Division II game (FCS) of the season with Harvard vs. Yale.  North Dakota St vs. Incarnate Word wasn't enough for 2014.  Those bastards at ESPN are so scared to showcase any teams not in the SEC, they wouldn't dare open the door for UCLA to back into the Final Four playoff.

Even Ohio State QB JT Barrett went after the SEC Bias this morning.  He's right.

Air Jordan Hangar In Los Angeles Looks Awesome

This invitation-only Jumpman-inspired gym, formerly a Howard Hughes wooden airplane operation, is located in Playa Vista, CA.  The hangar includes 3 large Jumbotrons, 2 true to life NBA locker rooms, and "The Cube" which allows a player to train alone against Chris Paul to learn his moves.  It's private for now, but 4 local high schools are vying for practice & game time in the basketball heaven.  Watch the video below for a quick walking tour.

USC Basketball Is In For Another Tough Season

I was excited to see what sort of team Andy Enfield would put on the floor during his 2nd season at the helm of the USC basketball program.  Given that it was a boring Monday night, I was even hoping for some sort of showing from the students.  There might have been 20 total students, and the given attendance of 2,267 seems laughably high.  Amanda Enfield wasn't even there as eye candy in the section next to me.  And if last night was indicative of the style of play to expect this year, Andy Enfield has a long road ahead of him.  A road that isn't leading to the NIT.

USC has three offensive weapons, and all of them are guards.  The best player on the team is redshirt sophomore transfer Katin Reinhardt, formerly of UNLV and Mater Dei High School, and he finished with 19 points on 5 of 14 shooting.  True freshman point guard Jordan McLaughlin looks the most naturally talented of the bunch, and he finished with 15 points on 5 of 12 shooting.  If he can keep himself a little more under control when he drives to the hoop, he could average over 20 points per game.  Rounding out this small group of offensive contributors is Julian Jacobs.  He's the team captain again this season, and he's in the right place at the right time most of the game.  His effort will be the glue that holds this team together.

As for the rest of the group, USC doesn't have anyone that would be considered a center.  Nikola Jovanovic, forward listed at 6'11" but really is 6'9", is matching up against our opponent's big man.  Malik Martin is worse than I could've fathomed.  He's worse than DeWayne Dedmon was when he came in, and Dedmon didn't even know the rules of basketball yet.  Martin might be the softest 6'11" you've ever seen in person, as he might weigh 200 pounds in total.  I fully expected 6'7" Darion Clark of Oak Hill Academy to play the power forward position, but he's not very coordinated in the low post.  There's another Serbian forward named Strahinja Gavrilovic who might be 6'6" but is listed at 6'9" somehow.  Not even on hockey skates would he be 6'9". 

If you haven't yet noticed the problem, we're really small.  We came out in a sunken 3-2 zone, and we still could not get a single rebound.  Tennessee Tech's doesn't have a player over 6'9", yet they were able to out rebound the Trojans 42-33.  Even worse still, the Tennessee Tech Golden Eagles had more offensive rebounds than defensive rebounds.  They had the same number of offensive rebounds as USC had defensive rebounds.  Think about that.  We played a fucking zone and had just as good of a chance at a defensive rebound as the offensive did.  That's simply a coaching failure, as none of the forwards for USC appear to even know what boxing out is.  Julian Jacobs, the shortest guy on the team, led the team in rebounds.  This goes back to the effort I referenced earlier. 

USC won last night because Tennessee Tech is not a good basketball team.  Any quality shooting team would've been able to put USC away in the first half.  Especially given a 2nd chance opportunity on every other possession.  And don't get me wrong by thinking size and rebounding are the team's biggest issues.  USC went 13 straight minutes of a 40 minute game last night without a field goal.  So to recap: We play an extremely soft zone, can't rebound on either side of the floor, and appear to still be prone to extremely long droughts on offense.  I really hope that Nikola Jovanovic just had a bad game last night, because we need him to step up or it's gonna get ugly.  Given what I saw at Galen last night, I'm taking the under on 5½ total wins in Pac-12 conference play for USC.

Jose Canseco Selling Finger & Gun That Shot It Off

Everyone is now well aware of exactly what to get me for Christmas 2014.  I've wanted a .45 of my own for some time now, but I NEED Canseco's infamous firearm.  For those that don't know, Jose Canseco shot his own middle finger off at some point two weeks ago.  After attempting to reattach a finger with no bone (Read: Dumb), it became gangrene infested and fell off during a poker game.  Supposedly some dude has a video of it, but I think Canseco's attorney bought it from him before Deadspin could make us all lose our lunch.  Here's a picture of the finger Jose tweeted out before his lawyer convinced him to delete it.  EBay doesn't sell guns, so just reach out to him on Twitter with your best offer in order to make this a Christmas I will never forget. 

Barstool Smokeshows Read Creepy Comments On Instagram

If you thought mean Mean Tweets on Kimmel was funny, the creepy comments on the Barstool Smokeshow's Instagrams are far more hilarious.  There's a beautiful art in eloquently describing just how a much a simple fart from one of them would mean to their most loyal of followers.

While pondering Interstellar during my infinite boredom that was not falling asleep last night, I somehow came back around to the Lakers.  What will it take for a professional basketball team to realize they actually have to play defense in order to win?  Play a fucking zone.  Do something.

On a completely unrelated note, I still can't get over that Mikhail Prokhorov quote about Jason Kidd.  I decided to turn it into a ringtone just to hear it more often, so save the file from the link below on whatever computer is linked to your iPhone.

https://mega.co.nz/#!4xhi3L7C!adt_GeDajW6R-kUS7xCKZ3NkX3DcqeCpLAxTV604gO8

Who Else Is Excited For UCLA Next Saturday??

Instead of breaking down last night's game, I've decided to channel my anger towards something more constructive.  Here are my predictions for next Saturday's game at the Rose Bowl:

- USC will win the 1st half
- UCLA will win the 2nd half and the game
- Wilcox was shamed into blitzing more against Cal & will continue to do so even though he shouldn't versus Hundley
- USC's run-pass balance will be fantastic in the first half
- USC will run on 1st & 2nd down in the 2nd half in our new 2nd half Prevent Offense
- UCLA will make adjustments at halftime, and USC will play right into those adjustments while making none of our own
- Hundley will get back in the Heisman trophy conversation after slashing our defense in the 2nd half
- Hundley stat line = 350 yards passing with 2 TDs, 150 yards rushing with 2 TDs
- Kessler puts up video game numbers in the 1st half, then will only get 3rd & long throws in 2nd half
- Buck Allen will run wild in 1st half, then get stuffed in the 2nd half when they stack the line
- USC will commit 10+ penalties, with at least one costing us a touchdown
- UCLA will be called for a similar amount of penalties, but none in the 2nd half
- Kevon Seymour will get picked apart while Adoree Jackson's entire side of the field is ignored
- USC will lose another offensive lineman before the Notre Dame game
- Telfer's routes will be ignored the whole game instead of just helping block for Kessler/Allen

The 2nd half collapse USC fans are expecting in Pasadena will be even harder to watch than the Utah game.  It won't be as bad as the ASU disaster, but it might make a ticket to the Notre Dame game a little easier to find.  The fact that USC is currently 7-3 is mind-boggling.  In my mind, we should probably be 5-5.  If we had Clancy Pendergast as the defensive coordinator, I think this team could very easily be 9-1.  The failure that is this current coaching staff is almost as laughable as the USC fanbase last night.  With each successive Cal score, cutting the lead from 22 to 15 then finally to 8, MORE people started to leave.  That's how dumb the fanbase has become.  10K people left when they cut the lead to 15, but I would guess 20K headed for the exits before they even lined up the onside kick after they cut it to 8.  Or maybe they just couldn't take it anymore.

USC fans were more upset leaving the game than Cal fans.  Think about that.  Even when we win, it feels more like a loss.

Oh The Sweet, Sweet Irony For Kim Kardashian

While I wasn't an Afro-American studies major at North Carolina, I did enjoy the irony surrounding these #BreakTheInternet pictures.  Read the story here, but the picture on the right is of a Hottentot woman from Namibia who spent the better part of her life being "poked and prodded as a sexual object in a freak show."  The picture was actually taken from a book entitled Jungle Fever.  Sometimes the jokes just write themselves.

And George W's back & forth with Slick Willy is actually kinda cute.

Jameis Winston Hearing Pushed Back, Decision Not Expected Until... You Guessed It... The Day After National Championship #FSULOL

My roommate and I were laughing the other day about how Florida State should just say "Fuck It" and make Jameis Winston's hearing the day after the national championship game.  Florida State never ceases to amaze even the most cynical of people -- sports fans.  Winston's attorney, the same attorney who was already illegally tipped off to get out in front of this rape case by Tallahassee PD, was just granted a delay for a timetable more favorable for the FSU football team.  According to USAToday, the hearing is set to begin December 1st, otherwise known as two days after FSU's last regular season game.  Once the hearing is completed, the FSU code of conduct allows for 10 days "of class" before the decision is due.  Thus Florida State has cleverly used winter break to shield them from having to make a decision before January 13th, otherwise known as the day after the College Football Championship, also otherwise known as the day Jameis Winston declares for the NFL Draft.  If you can't appreciate what sort of scum of the earth people are running Florida State University, you simply don't understand football in the South.  The predictability of these shenanigans even though this is all surrounding a rape case is what's truly shocking.

On a side note, where's the gun control lynch mob when you need them.

Morning Melons With Chipper Jones' Playmate Fiance Taylor Higgins AKA Lexi Ray

Not enough news is made when a professional athlete decides to marry a Playmate.  Especially when it's that athlete's third marriage, and double especially when the first marriage desolved because of a lovechild with a Hooters waitress.  And triple especially whenever I see the Playmate thing, I have an immediate and unquenchable desire to see what I'm missing out on.  It's like a flashing strobe light of "LOOK HER UP" until I stumble upon some bootlegged Playboy library saved for posterity on the internet by some conscientious perv.  Taylor Higgins is a fox in more ways than one.  She's conniving in that not only did she change her Playboy name to Lexi Ray, but also she basically went brunette during all of her nude photoshoots.  This Kentucky cheerleader turned single mom turned Miss COED of the Month September 2010 turned homewrecker is definitely my kind of @LilGeorgiaPeach.  No joke, that is her Twitter handle.  Here are some pictures of Taylor Higgins, but you'll have to click on the link below for Lexi Ray and the rest of the NSFW pics and vids.

Humpday Pictures of the Week

I loled at this magazine cover of Kim Kardashian on Twitter this morning.  I've never even heard of Paper the magazine, so I guess that's a win for them.  I will never ever understand being sexually attracted to big asses.  She's going to bigger FUPA than my 3rd grade teacher 10 years from now.  And I saw Bomani Jones retweet this picture after he made a little comment about Crown Royal bags being the best for holding dominoes.  I use the bags to hold my tees & ball markers in my golf bag.  While the bags for the fifths of Crown don't fit my alien toes, I don't know if I care enough to buy 2 handles of Crown for my new slippers.  You know what they say about the guy who needs bigger Crown Royal bags for his slippers...

Tosh.0 Gets Back At ESPN's Sport Science For Stealing Segment

Tosh.0
Get More: Comedy Central

Although I liked Kiffin's Krimson Korner a lot more, I did enjoy Tosh's pie charts.  And his list of people at the end that are still cool at ESPN (but I think he said Mike & Mike??).  On an unrelated note, Eminem freestyling is still a great listen.  Fast forward to 3:50 for his riff on Ray Rice that has everyone hot and bothered.

Sanchez Has Career Night, Must Be Nice To Have An Offense

This picture of Mark Sanchez eating a Philly cheesesteak at Geno's last night just had to twist the knife in the open wound that is the Jets franchise.  Too much irony for one night.  I saw some Jets fans this morning say that they can't wait for the Philly fans to turn on Sanchize.  While they might be right, as Philadelphia is debatably the most awful, "what-have-you-done-for-me-lately" fanbase in America, this is Sanchez' first opportunity with an offensive-minded head coach and a receiving corps of wideouts you've actually heard of.  All last night did was prove to me once & for all how right I've been about Brian Schottenheimer for the last 8 years.  He's done such an admirable job of failing upwards, even Lane Kiffin is impressed.  Jeff Fisher completely lost my confidence with that hire, which I guess is good for the Seahawks.  And I can't wait for Chip Kelly to start getting the Belichick treatment - where ESPN views every move as automatically the right one.  In other news, Marshawn Lynch ragdolling kicker Steven Hauschka on the bench made me laugh.

Case Of The Mondays

I watched more football this weekend than just about every other person in America.  God I love bye weekends.  This picture of Slick Willy with the USC song girls begs the question - Did he grab an ass or at least wink at one of these future interns?  I definitely had Fake Andy Reid up on Instagram before the rest of the internet/world.  And my roommate pointing out the most obvious middle finger ever allowed on CBS for the last two quarters after the creepy cameraman found this gem.

And on a completely unrelated note, this music video cracked me up this weekend.

Charles Barkley Goes On Hunger Strike For Lakers Victory

While I will preface this post by saying that Laker-talk will be at a bare minimum this season, I appreciate Barkley doing everything he can to help our hopeless cause.  Somebody on the radio was saying that Sunday versus the Charlotte Hornets is a must-win for the 0-5 Lakers, as they go on a nasty road trip where it could get as ugly as 0-13.  Thank God the NBA didn't get rid of tanking right before the Lakers' worst season as a franchise.  Also, classic Barkley claiming that the only nourishment he needs are water & vodka for the carbs & protein.  Vodka has neither, but here's to hoping that Kenny & Charles follow @TheFatJewish on Instagram.

And this graphic is hilarious.

ARod Is Far Worse Than Pete Rose

After reading last night that ARod confessed under oath to the DEA the extent of his PED use with Biogenesis, I wasn't surprised.  It was his 2nd admission of guilt mind you.  But it made me nostalgic for ARod's interview on Mike Francesa's radio show almost one year ago exactly.  Basically I just love watching pathological liars honing their craft.  The mean looks, the defiant facial expressions, disingenuous "father missing his daughter's birthday" sympathy grabs, and the blatantly obvious refusals to say these things under oath.  It has everything.  It even has his shyster attorney/mercenary grabbing at straws for a fleeting glimpse at a possible change in public opinion in favor of his client.  I think his 2nd admission to using performance enhancing drugs is more than enough to ban him from the game permanently.  ARod's bastardization of the game of baseball is far worse than Pete Rose letting a couple bookies know what nights he wasn't betting on the Reds.

Coach K Questions Obama's ISIS "Strategy"

I'm not surprised by his point of view, given that he started his coaching career at West Point, but it's refreshing to hear someone as widely respected as Coach Krzyzewski openly disagreeing with Obama's non-existent strategy and/or leadership regarding ISIS.  I guarantee that you will see this video nowhere in the national media, but today should still be a good day for conservatives everywhere.  Fuck Harry Reid.

Can't Stop Watching Mikhail Prokhorov Hate On Jason Kidd

I haven't listened to a loop on Vine this many times in my entire life.

Maybe Don't Vote Tomorrow

These questions are so fucking basic.  For our country's sake, if you don't know these answers, don't vote tomorrow.

"The best argument against democracy is a 5 minute conversation with the average voter." - Winston Churchill

The Furious 7 Trailer Is Best One Yet

All I want is for someone to come with me to see this in the hood.  Magic Johnson sold his theaters on Crenshaw, so I'm not sure where to go anymore.