In an effort to fight back against the relentless Russian bombing campaign in Syria, ISIS has resorted to floating inflated condoms with homemade grenades as their state-of-the-art anti-aircraft weapon. I can't wait for Trump to carpet bomb these fucking morons so we can all move on with our lives. And this political cartoon made me laugh. Laughably, John Kerry is about to get a Nobel Peace Prize.
At least this Palestinian kid's terrorist Halloween costume is topical.
I don't know much about business major backup QB Conner Sullivan from Orange Lutheran High School, but I know I'm not taking a piss / getting a flask mixer during every extra point anymore.
ESPN made a hilarious mockumentary 30 For 30 based on the movie Angels In The Outfield. Kurkjian's away games comment at the end really cracked me up. I hope this becomes a new take on the "This Is Sportscenter" commercials as a trend of mockumenting all of the great baseball movies. Bull Durham, Major League(s), Rookie of the Year, Little Big League, Summer Catch, etc.
I took the Mets to sweep last night, and the confidence has spilled over into tonight's and this weekend's games. I've been doing a little more hedging of my happiness, so you may not agree with a few of these picks. Hedging my happiness has a better ring to it than fading myself.
Seahawks @ 49ers - Seahawks -7
Cal @ UCLA - Cal +3 (take the moneyline)
Utah @ USC - Utah +3
Baylor vs. Iowa State - Baylor -37
Texas A&M @ Ole Miss - Texas A&M +5.5
This video is from two weeks ago, but I think Clemson is due for a loss. Miami seems just as likely as anyone else in the ACC, especially since Al Golden is just trying to finish the season. One of the unranked teams has got to win some time.
How much longer am I going to have to deal with Matt Barnes in my life? It's only a matter of time before he ends up in jail indefinitely, but the silence from the NBA in regard to Barnes' latest antics has been DEAFENING. Let me lay this out for you - A current NBA player viciously attacks a current NBA head coach. But not only did Matt Barnes attack Derek Fisher, he also terrorized his ex-wife AND CHILDREN in the most obvious domestic violence episode since the last time Barnes beat us his then wife. It was just released that Barnes only stopped fighting with Fisher after one of his kids begged him to stop. He's such a fucking scumbag, it's absolutely insane that he's still employed. At least Steve Ballmer shipped him out of town to Memphis where he can hopefully go to die like Baron Davis did in Cleveland.
From here on out, it's now my life's mission to get Matt Barnes thought of in the same light at Latrell Sprewell. At least Sprewell created rims that still make you laugh when you see them in the wild. And Sprewell didn't beat up his ex-wife's boyfriend in front of his kids. Who hasn't wanted to strangle PJ Carlesimo, am I right?
It's hard to define what makes a great opening scene, but you know it when you see it. The movie sinks its teeth into you, and they've got you completely engrossed immediately. Ranking them is even more difficult, but without further ado, my list of favorite opening scenes.
10. Casino Royale - Almost all James Bond movies have an epic opening scene, with some mattering more to the plot line than others. The parkour chase is about as good as it gets.
9. Jaws - The cinematography looked dated 40 years later, but I still remember being terrified of the ocean after watching Jaws 1-3 on a loop as a kid. This scene is probably partially responsible for the world's obsession with Shark Week.
8. Inglourious Basterds - A complete version of this scene isn't readily available online, and it's a total shame. The tension Christoph Waltz is able to create in this scene while keeping his outwardly happy demeanor is remarkable. Far and away the best scene of the movie, which is not the case in most Tarantino films.
7. Drive - Getaway scenes don't get any better than this. Maybe I love this scene because I'm completely consumed by car chases on TV here in LA. KCAL9 is the BEST. Maybe I love this scene because I know most of the streets Gosling is crushing to evade LA's finest. Maybe it's both.
6. Goodfellas - Martin Scorcese was given the difficult task of attempting to make a better mob movie than The Godfather, and Goodfellas is as close as you can get to perfection. Ray Liotta is the best he's ever been. Throw in DeNiro and Pesci, and you're fully strapped in for an amazing story.
5. Jurassic Park - SHOOT HER!! SHOOT HER!! I can't believe my parents let me see this movie in theaters when I was just six years old. I must've been unbearable, and my mom relented.
4. The Wolf Of Wall Street - Having read the book, I sort of knew what I was getting myself into. This is Martin Scorcese's 2nd appearance on this list, because he knows how to grab an audience from the start. The movie was still 45 minutes too long, but no movie helps with the Sunday Scaries more after a bender than this one.
3. Super Troopers - Literally what I said was "yeah sure" sir.
2. Top Gun - I bet I tricked you with the picture at the top of this blog. Aircraft carriers, F-14 fighters, and Kenny Loggins - what else could any red blooded American ask for? And Tom Cruise playing volleyball on a 6 foot net is only an hour away. Can't wait.
1. Office Space - This scene hits home to about 99% of people working in the real world. The pointless changing of lanes, the rap music lyrics, the locking of your door due to off-ramp vendors, and the punching of the steering wheel. Every part of your daily commute is perfectly and succinctly accounted for by the genius that is Mike Judge.
The Denver Broncos' Von Miller was fined $11,567 for the obscene gestures seen above. Beach Chair Sports has been a fan of the young linebacker for some time. I laughed during that Monday Night Football game two weeks ago, since his air humping celebration reminded me of Hingle McCringleberry's 3 excessive celebration penalties from that Key & Peele sketch. One of the worst parts about the No Fun League is them taking ridiculous celebrations away from the players.
And this weekend shows us what happens when Goodell takes the fun away.
On a somewhat related note, the LA Times hilariously referred to Oregon shooter Chris Harper-Mercer as a "half-black white supremacist," which meant I immediately had to brush up on Clayton Bigsby's thoughts about African-Americans. Key & Peele is a poor man's Chappelle's Show, but you have to take what you can get when it comes to comedy these days.
Last week I went 4-3 on my picks, but I wasn't in love with any of the totals this week. Maybe I'll throw a few totals in after listening to Barstool Pick Em, but I doubt it. Oregon -7.5 at Colorado is the Lock of the Millenium, so go big.
Single Plays
Notre Dame @ Clemson - Notre Dame +1.5
Oregon @ Colorado - Oregon -7.5 (easiest bet of my life)
ASU @ UCLA - ASU +14
Alabama @ Georgia - Bama +1.5
Panthers @ Buccaneers - Panthers -3
Bengals vs. Chiefs - Bengals -4
Raiders @ Bears - Raiders -3
Packers @ 49ers - Packers -9
