Gender Neutral Pronouns From U of Tennessee Are Absurd

The University of Tennessee's Office for Diversity & Inclusion has issued the above guidelines in order to navigate the new gender-conscious world we live in.  My favorite part of the policy - instead of taking roll on the first day, everyone will be asked to provide their name AND PRONOUN.  Asking a person's title (Mr., Mrs., Miss) is too offensive these days, so you will be asked what gender neutral pronoun you prefer.  They-Them-Their make perfect sense as gender neutral pronouns, almost too much sense, thus it's clearly time to re-invent the wheel in the name of proper tranny tolerance.  For the life of me, I cannot fathom from where Ze-Hir-Hirs, Ze-Zir-Zirs, and Xe-Xem-Xyr are derived.  The etymology of these words must've been conjured out of thin air, if not directly from Bill Maher's brain.  They're just incoherent blatherings and jibberish that no sane person would even begin to comprehend or connect with the pronouns They-Them-Their.  I recently saw LGBT transformed into LGBTQ, since Queers weren't equitably represented in the acronym.  I'm sure the Gay Mafia will end up overtaking the AFL-CIO for world's longest acronym by 2020.

I was at a bar in Tahoe that was "Girls Drink Free," so I simply told the bartender that I identified as a woman.  Seeing that I had him by the balls, pardon the pun, he was fast enough on his feet to claim that only the sex listed on your driver's license was applicable for the drink special.  I'm on a mission to expose all of these ridiculous liberal perversions of the English language, and these gender neutral pronouns genuinely seem like something pulled straight out of The Onion.  

Hype Video - USC Football Is 9 (Read: Juju) Days Away

Hype videos are the best this time of year, and this one is no different.  Adoree Jackson is going to be really fun to watch.  Selecting my football season desktop wallpaper has been tougher than usual this season.  Historically I have gone with the media guide rendition on the top, but I think I like the bottom one more this year.  The dates are easier to remember.

Virginia Tech List Of Fines For Football Players

Virginia Tech coaches have resorted to fining players for any sort of infractions, as if the measly allowance the players are receiving needs to be reined in for some reason.  The Virginia Tech AD immediately discontinued the policy today, especially after the NCAA attorneys realized that such a policy treated players exactly like employees.  Can't have that.  Beamer Ball might take a hit in recruiting because of this, or at least it should.  And $50 for a dirty locker versus $30 for missed class is a bad look.

Salt In The Wound - Kobe & Shaq Talk "What Could Have Been"

For Lakers fans into S&M, head over to Bleacher Report for a breakdown of The BIG podcast with Shaq featuring Kobe Bryant yesterday.  Normally people wait for retirement to reminisce about what could've been, but we all know Kobe isn't normal.  I hope this sort of conversation shows maturity - the type of maturity where he knows to take the veteran's minimum if/when he decides to come back for 2016-2017.  The alley-oop against the Blazers is my favorite Kobe/Shaq moment of all time.

 
PS - I'm ashamed I forgot that it was Scottie Pippen who Kobe embarrassed on this play.

$900 Flamethrower Available For Everyone Not In The People's Republic Of California

Supposedly there is talk of some sort of legislation outlawing flamethrowers now that they are commercially available, and the owner says the prospect of prohibition has only driven sales higher for his company.  With 3D Printing capabilities jumping forward by leaps & bounds, I don't understand the point in banning almost anything anymore.  I saw the topic of gun control come up again today, and my argument is always the same.  Why not make cocaine, heroin, and meth illegal too?  That will finally get guns and drugs off the streets.

The Oregon Duck Remakes Alabama Alpha Phi Rush Video

Anything that pokes fun at the faux internet outrage police is A okay in my book.  I'm still in shock the recruitment video below even made headlines.  It's basically a C+ effort, even though it has all the prerequisites: Slow motion, glitter blowing, bubbles, pop song with techno chorus - check, check, check, check.  The Stanford band only wishes they could come up with something half as funny.  Or as a cross-faded Sarkisian so eloquently put it, "They all suck."

This is still the Oregon Duck's finest work.

The Karate Kid - Daniel Is The REAL Bully

I could watch hilarious internet perspectives on classic movies all day.  The hardest I laughed was when the narrator points out that Danny doesn't even know the rules before entering the tournament.  The only problem I have is the lack of respect for one of the greatest movie villains of all time.

 

And for shits and giggles, get a load of these Roman Candle machine guns.

Gary Baba Booey Dell'Abate In Fake 30 for 30

I don't listen to enough Howard Stern.  I used to have XM Radio over the internet, but my roommate's work stopped paying for it.  You can't watch golf anymore without hearing a "Baba Booey" call after somebody's tee shot.  But claiming that Gary's first pitch was anywhere as awful as 50 Cent's atrocity is simply irresponsible.

Dude Annoys Girlfriend With Puns At IKEA

My favorite part of the video is when you can see Donna go from totally annoyed to can't help herself from laughing at her asshole boyfriend.  This is one of those videos that gets funnier to me each time I watch it.  Punny is funny.  I don't care what you say.

Carolla's Legal Name Is Adam Lakers Carolla

To be honest, I'm not sure how this piece of knowledge escaped me for this long.  I've been listening to the Ace Man's podcast for YEARS.  I've heard Adam shit on his parents for not even having the brainpower to know why he was never given a middle name, but I've never heard the end to that beautiful story.  The best part of this tale of true fandom is that he has to sign his mortgage papers, pink slips, etc. as Adam Lakers Carolla.

Julian Edelman's Trip To Israel Looked Awesome

My initial reaction to this video was to laugh at Julian Edelman for only being able to learn one Yiddish word - Yalla - meaning "let's go."  But then I remembered that I came away from two weeks in Italy only being able to say thank you / grazie and good afternoon / buona sera.  I've said before how much I personally hated Edelman when I met him in Manhattan Beach, but I respect him as a football player.  Birthright trips to Israel always come away with amazing pictures, so Edelman making a highlight video is obviously the correct choice.  I still can't believe those refs didn't make him go through the concussion protocols after he got lit up in the Super Bowl and couldn't walk back to the huddle.

Cris Carter "Fall Guy" Video Is Funnier Than I Expected

Over the last 24 hours, I've heard all of the soundbites from Cris Carter's speech to the rookies at the symposium in 2014.  I finally decided to watch the video, and I was not disappointed.  Warren Sapp was arrested for soliciting prostitutes 8 months after this rookie symposium happened, which only adds to the effect of this amazing clip.  And it's pretty amazing that the video above was featured on NFL.com until yesterday.  This all stems from ESPN's article about 49ers rookie-turned-retiree Chris Borland's decision to preemptively retire to prevent further brain injury.  If you haven't read it yet, it's definitely worth a read.  For what it's worth, Borland's retirement might have more to do with the fact that he's the oldest looking 24 year old in the history of the world.

Monday Has Me Feeling Like...

@YahooSports Not Amused By My Baylor Joke, Deletes Tweet

I guess no one is having fun on this beautiful Friday in August.  Yahoo! Sports posted this ridiculous headline given yesterday's damning exposé entitled Silence at Baylor  about Art Briles covering up for known sexual deviant if not rapist named Samuel Ukwuach.  Briles & Baylor transfer-recruited Ukwuachu from Boise State, and he even claimed negligence to his past at Boise State.  Chris Petersen, now at Washington, was forced to address the situation and hung Briles out to dry today stating that he told him all about Ukwuachu's violent past.

On a serious note, I had a lot of retweets and favorites coming my way with that one.  I'm pissed.

Alabama Won Ashley Madison's Horniest State Contest

Not much to add to this breakdown of dollars spent on Ashley Madison per capita.  Utah comes in quite a bit higher than I would've guessed.  West Virginia makes sense at the bottom, cuz you don't need Ashley Madison to bang your sister.  Alabama running away with the title in the Bible Belt cannot be overlooked.  I need more famous people getting outed.  This is taking too long.

@RayLewis Blocked Me On Twitter - LOL

I couldn't help myself after I saw this tweet in my timeline.  I have never been blocked by someone not named Darren Rovell, so I actually thought he deleted the tweet after reading the comments.  Nope.  Two can play that game Ray.  I'm kicking off the weekend with a little block party.

Ashley Madison Hack Is Real, Check Emails Here

** UPDATE TWO ** @kentuckyamleak2 has decided that going after government emails is safer from getting shut down, as they are available via FOIA request.  Follow @kentuckyamleak2 now!

** UPDATE ** @KentuckyAMLeak was shut down via court order only 7.5 hours after it got started.  Shit is gonna get real.

Divorce attorneys nationwide are rejoicing as some 33 million users of Ashley Madison and her sister sites were exposed on the darkweb yesterday.  Only 5 million women were listed on the leak, but they could be attributed to the Cougar Life website.  A random person under the Twitter handle @KentuckyAMLeak has been outing successful businessmen from the state of Kentucky.  I don't think there is anything illegal about outing these people, as long as you don't extort the person in the process.  But if a wealthy businessman feels the need to pay for @KentuckyAMLeak to take down the incriminating information, all is fair in love and war.  I may just start going after all of the Hollywood agents & producers that were dumb enough to use a real credit card.  Grab some popcorn, as the divorces are just getting started.

Here is the website to check on your significant other - AshleyMadisonLeak

Hard knocks and @megan_makena driving a lot of traffic to @BeachChairSprts this week. I love it. #BCS

Hard knocks and @megan_makena driving a lot of traffic to @BeachChairSprts this week. I love it. #BCS

— Large Tuna (@BeachChairSprts) August 19, 2015

Here is the original blog from last summer.

http://beachchairsports.blogspot.com/2014/07/morning-melons-with-megan-cushing.html

Bad Lip Reading At 1st Republican Debate

Bad lip reading videos are always funny, but this one is even better because politicians say so many things on camera.  The opportunities are endless.  Rand Paul saying "Anal warts" got me the most.  I hope Bad Lip Reading continues mocking all of the debates.

SEC Bias Alert - 11 of 14 SEC Teams in Top 25 Most Arrested

It's a little easier to read in pie chart form:

As my mind is being ever more completely consumed with college football, the SEC Bias has increasingly been on the minds of non-Southern Americans.  CoachingSearch.com posted this list on Twitter today, and it's hilariously awesome.  11 of the 14 SEC teams are represented in the top 25 teams with the most arrests in the last 5 years.  Maybe even more impressive is that the SEC has 9 teams in the top 15.  Then ESPN and the College Football Playoff Committee put out this promo video which I thought was pretty innocuous at first.

Somebody did a breakdown of the commercial:
      29 schools represented in total
      14 of 14 SEC schools (otherwise known as 100%)
      5 of 14 Big 10 schools (Still no rebranding)
      3 of 10 Big 12 schools (Still no rebranding)
      3 of 12 PAC12 schools
      2 of 14 ACC schools
      Notre Dame & Boise State

I think it's going to get super chippy and snarky against ESPN this year, and it's only a matter of time before Rece Davis snaps just like Fowler.

Trump Tweets Sung By Josh Groban #MakeAmericaGreatAgain

Nobody has the ability to make me laugh like Trump.  These tweets are absolutely hilarious.  I read over the weekend that the 1st GOP primary debate had over 24 million viewers.  The highest rated debate in 2012 was 6.3 million viewers.  That's flat out insane.  When he runs 3rd party and splits votes with the GOP candidate, Hillary will win easily.  Somehow this inconvenient truth hasn't made watching Trump any less entertaining.

49ers Rugby Star Jarryd Hayne Is A Beast

When I saw these highlights yesterday, I was shocked by the stark difference in running styles.  Running backs dancing around in the backfield is one of my biggest pet peeves on offense, but you don't have to worry about that with Jarryd Hayne.  His rugby steps actually look strange on a football field because he isn't trying to cut or make you miss.  His telling you, "Good luck tackling me at full speed."  I've been begging for football to embrace laterals over the years, basically ever since that crazy 2007 Fiesta Bowl between Boise State - Oklahoma.  Everyone remembers the statue of liberty play to win the game, but no one remembers the hook and ladder Boise St. pulled off on 4th & 18 in order to get to overtime.  I am well aware that limiting turnovers is the name of the game in the NFL, but if Jarryd Hayne/49ers can design a few sweeps with a wide receiver trailing him wide by the sideline, we would all be better off.  Here's to hoping Jarryd Hayne can bring the lateral out of retirement.

PAC-12 Helmet Schedule For Your Office

Every year I post the helmet schedule above my desk.  I like being able to see who has a tough game before they play us.  Last year was frustrating since all of USC's opponents either had a bye or 10 days to prepare.  This year it looks like Oregon will be beat up from the Stanford game a week prior, and UCLA will be on the road for a physical game at Utah before the season finale at the Coliseum.

Here is the link for your own helmet schedules by conference -
http://www.fbschedules.com/college-football-helmet-schedules/

@badgalriri here to cure my case of the Mondays. Matt Barnes is the WORST. #shesnotthatintoyou #shesnotintoyouatall #shesneverevenmetyou #enjoymemphis

Former Green Beret Nate Boyer Trying For Seahawks Longsnapper

Evening Melons With Kristin Angst, Nick O'Leary's GF

I stumbled across Kristin Angst (on the left above) when I was creeping on Charlotte McKinney, and it just so happens that she is former FSU tight end Nick O'Leary's girlfriend.  The same Nick O'Leary commentators would never let you forget is Jack Nicklaus' grandson.  For all of the internet love Red Lightning gets dumped on him, Nick O'Leary is pretty much flying under the radar with this bombshell.  Kristin Angst is making me feel like a teenager again not only because of her last name.

Tiger Woods Should Get Fined For "Fucking Christ, the FUCK Is Wrong With You"

Every Fresh Prince of Bel Air Pick Up Line

Is Fresh Prince still on TV?  I re-watch a lot of The Office & Seinfeld, but I would definitely watch Fresh Prince of Bel Air reruns.  Girl Meets World bothers me for some reason, so I'm sure a Fresh Prince of Philly reboot is around the corner.  Maybe Will Smith's Scientology gets in the way.

Oregon Won't Say If Vernon Adams Passed His Math Test

My apologies to everyone that has been checking my un-updated blog.  I've been busy with some random shit.  If you ever get really desperate, go check out my Twitter @BeachChairSprts.  In regard to Vernon Adams' math test, there are a lot of conflicting reports.  Someone said that Adams would know immediately if he passed the test, so speculation is running amok as Oregon fans have no idea whether their team has a QB1.  It has made the better part of my afternoon.  Nobody could make a putt this afternoon, but I did enjoy TNT's Dustin Johnson human interest piece letting me know just how fantastic of a role model Janet Gretzky truly is.  I hope she's still going to Gamblers Anonymous.

Humpday Video To Get Through The Week

Our Make America Great Again hats arrived yesterday, and not a moment too soon for the debate.

Funniest Mugshot I've Seen In Awhile

Sometimes you don't even need to click on the story to enjoy it completely.  And I always enjoy when ESPN clearly illustrates the discrepancies between the Coaches Poll and the Worldwide Leader's totally unbiased preseason FPI (?) computer rankings.

2oolander / Zoolander 2 Teaser Trailer

If God exists, then why did he make ugly people?

Monday Morning Dump

I don't really understand how this reactive paint works.

The Hold My Dick celebration officially making it into Madden 16 is reason enough to buy it.

I haven't LOL'd at a headline like this in a long time.  These Sharia Law swimsuits are really "making a splash."  GTFOH Wall Street Journal.  Come to Hermosa Beach.  There literally are more thongs than partially covered butt cheeks.

 

I thought this was real until I saw the boom mic.