How is it that the NHL marketing department is able to drop these amazing commercials, but the other sports rely on Nike & Adidas to do all the work for them? It doesn't make sense to me. I couldn't be more excited for two consecutive nights of Game 7 playoff hockey. #Emilio
Friday, May 29, 2015
New NHL Stanley Cup Commercial - Name @EmilioTheWay
How is it that the NHL marketing department is able to drop these amazing commercials, but the other sports rely on Nike & Adidas to do all the work for them? It doesn't make sense to me. I couldn't be more excited for two consecutive nights of Game 7 playoff hockey. #Emilio
Thursday, May 28, 2015
@BarstoolBigCat The Agony of Defeat Video
As a Ducks fan, I hope he experiences more of the same come Saturday night.
Jose Canseco Foam Fingers FTW
Even I can't make this shit up. The Sonoma Stompers minor league baseball team will be hosting Jose Canseco Weekend on June 12-13th, 2015. The first 250 fans who arrive at the ballpark will receive an anatomically correct Jose Canseco Foam Hand, complete (incomplete?) with the missing portion of his middle finger. Now I just wish I could postpone my trip to Sonoma this weekend for two weeks. How much do you think these will fetch on eBay?
Why Lebron James Will Never Come West
Maybe the Lakers can move back to Minneapolis and switch conferences with the Bucks?
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
FIFA Scandal - Everything You Need To Know
I don't know of any better way to explain the depths of the rampant corruption at FIFA, so I'm going to let John Oliver & Jeremy Schaap do it for me. ESPN's breakdown of the extent of the slave labor atrocities is literally staggering. It will leave you wondering what year it is.
Then some dumbfuck IRS official stepped up to the microphone to unleash some God awful puns.
These diagrams of corruption and organized bribery by the Justice Department, FBI, and IRS show a very basic structure to the cartel. My question is why all of these sports marketing companies were spared the same embarrassment today.
Here's just a few examples of the outrageous lifestyles and demands of these soccer executives.
And in the least surprising news of all time, the Clinton Foundation has ties to both FIFA and Qatar.
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
The Most Interesting Man In The World Dances
10 holes-in-one on the European Tour alone frankly is absurd. I would love to know how many he has in his entire life, but I'm sure he's lost count of such a trivial number. And Mike Trout continues to show that he isn't human.
England Proves "Last Call" Is Counter Productive
This story from the Washington Examiner profiles the results 10 years after abolishing "last call" and allowing bars/pubs to stay open all night. While everyone feared the worst, the results are the exact opposite of what the conventional (Read: liberal) wisdom expected. The lifting of the drinking restrictions actually created a massive drop in consumption of booze. Binge drinking dropped off by 11 percent in 16-24 year-olds, and OVERALL ALCOHOL SALES DECREASED BY 17%!!
England was worried about even drunker drunkards in the street, along with increased hooliganism. What they found is that when you aren't drinking against the clock, you don't drink quite as fast or with as much of a purpose. They also realized that kicking thousands of blacked-out, urine-filled, soccer hooligans into the streets at the exact same moment didn't make much sense. Who knew? You give people less rules and regulations, and everything runs much smoother.
And this Sugar Bowl program cover from 1945 is strong.
Universal Studios Opening Fast & Furious Supercharged Ride
I haven't been to the Universal Studios theme park since I was a kid, but I now have a reason to go experience all the new rides and tours of the more recent movies - Waterworld, Jurassic Park, Transformers, and now Fast & Furious Supercharged. I was perusing the Universal Studios website when I noticed a class system built into the tickets. Don't get me wrong, I have always liked the way Disneyland handled the Fast Pass system. It allows you to prioritize your time at the park. On the other hand, Universal Studios appears to have no shame about this policy of $80 all-day pass, $149 front of the line pass, $299 VIP experience. For what it's worth, the VIP experience looks like a colossal waste of money, and a Smug Lane at a theme park sounds like class warfare to me. Why aren't the Hollywood libs up in arms? Disneyland is now up to $100 per person, but you still at least have to pretend to need a wheelchair for the VIP experience. And Disneyland had a 24 hour 60th Anniversary celebration over this past Memorial Day Weekend, and the description of "Soviet-era lines" is basically my nightmare.
Friday, May 22, 2015
#KobeSystem Commercials Need To Be Brought Back
Is it me or does everyone hate the current state of commercials during sporting events? Remember back in 2012 when these #KobeSystem commercials came out? Remember thinking that Nike had finally changed the ad game by finally creating 7 commercials at once? Remember thinking future ad campaigns would need a minimum of five different but similar commercials per product? Remember thinking #KobeSystem #6 on Beastion was the first time you had enjoyed Kanye in years? I should never have doubted the laziness of advertising executives.
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Charissa Thompson's Legs On DP This Morning
Charissa Thompson would be sooo much hotter without her new lesbian haircut. She eventually did the splits during the commercial break. This seems like her go-to move, and I for one am a big fan. She can hide the overtly sexuality act as an athletic endeavor. Give me this over twerking any day.
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
My Hate Is Starting To Rub Off On My Mom
I'll never know how she remembered Cade McNown hate from 16 years ago, but I don't think I've ever been so proud in my entire life. It makes sense after being around my Dad for 40 years.
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
Easily Scared People Make For The Best Videos
I could watch these videos all day and never stop laughing.
The Commitment: Stud WR Josh Imatorbhebhe
Bleacher Report keeps releasing these boner-inducing commitment videos, and I for one am a huge fan of this development. I don't know who the Bleacher Report rep is for USC, but between this commitment video and Biggie Marshall's, I'm all in. Tee Martin doesn't get paid enough. Here are some of Josh's highlights from high school.
And Biggie Marshall's announcement made my signing day in 2015.
Monday, May 18, 2015
My Favorite Mad Men Scene
I didn't care much for the series finale of Mad Men, but I didn't really care for the last two seasons before it either. It got a little dusty when Don was on the phone with Betty, but that was about it. Roger Sterling and Don needed some epic banter for the finale, and we got nothing. Here is the best scene from another AMC masterpiece show.
Drunk Shopping... And How You Can Too
I'm sure it will be a full blown app sooner or later, but I love Drunk Shopping in its current form. You literally have to text "heyyyyyy" to 551-333-7865 in order to sign up. That's it. Then at 2AM on Saturday night / Sunday morning you will start receiving texts similar to the ones above. If I was blacked out, there is nothing in the world that would've gotten in between me and that Nic Cage shirt. It even does follow-up, peer pressure-esque texts to goad you into buying the item. You only have to text "STOP" for the service to give up on you that week. I have a wedding on Saturday night, so I'm looking forward to seeing my blacked out purchase on Sunday morning.
Friday, May 15, 2015
Jurassic Park Lego Video Game Looks Awesome
These teaser trailers for this new Jurassic Park video game are insanely similar to the real live-action movies, while simultaneously curing your nostalgia for the video games of yesteryear. Both of these trailers make me want to go to Game Stop right now. The gameplay story has to be pretty long since these clips shows parts from all 4 movies.
Am I the only one that was obsessed with this game on Super Nintendo?
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Aaron Rodgers Drops F-Bomb On Jeopardy
Just a couple of yesterday's best vines. Aaron Rodgers definitely said "Fuck" when he got an answer wrong on Celebrity Jeopardy. He went on to win it over an astronaut, which makes me even more jealous of his life. And Sean Casey unloaded on an underhanded lob off Lauren Shehadi's head on the MLB Network. I can't believe he swung that hard.
Mugshot of Smut Peddler David Portnoy, AKA El Pres
El Pres' mugshot was the best part of my morning. 4 of the Barstool Boston morons spent the night in jail in a thinly veiled publicity stunt to sell t-shirts. The Periscope of the arrest for their sit-in at NFL headquarters in NYC was hilarious. They lost the key to the handcuffs, and they were way too tight. They forgot to wear the t-shirts they were attempting to shill. The whole thing was amazing. Here are a few other things that made me laugh today:
Featuring 30 for 30's anti-hero in Broke 2...
Reddit title - "Noah is going to have a tough time breeding those lions."
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Tiger Never Changes His Stripes
Some of the quotes from the Daily Mail are classic. "Most men would drink over such losses. Tiger has sex over it. Usually with local hookers whom he pays exorbitant amounts to, probably so they will want repeat business and won't tell." And supposedly he stopped going to his Sexaholic-Anonymous therapy sessions. I wouldn't be able to contain myself in a room full of sluts either. This picture from Thanksgiving 2009 will always make me laugh.
I wonder is Tiger Woods invested in Mark Cuban's Cyberdust App with disappearing texts after this.
I hope some raunchy stories come out about him soon. Anything to fix his chipping.
Erin Andrews With Classic Eyeroll At #DWTS Proposal
Poor Erin. She just can't catch a break.
She kept a straighter face during this...
Monday, May 11, 2015
Ducks Battle Hawks In Championship
The Ducks clinched in OT last night and will now face the Chicago Blackhawks. Can you believe we are actually having to duke it out with these racists? Hockey needs a pro-gambling, anti-freedom of speech commissioner like Adam Silver to punish the NHL's Redskins. Where is Keith Olbermann's soapbox to denigrate Patrick Kane & Jonathan Toews' owners as they are in the news this week? And that's another thing - fuck Toews pronouncing his name "Taves." It's as bad as Favre.
Thursday, May 7, 2015
Matt Barnes Yelled "Suck My Dick, Bitch" At Harden's Mom
I know you will all be surprised to see the most recent antics of the uber-stereotypical UCLA alum Matt Barnes. After getting a technical foul for shoving James Harden, Barnes turned to a most likely mouthy Monja Willis and said, "Suck my dick, bitch." Harden's brother confronted Barnes after the game, and according to TMZ, Barnes pulled "my mom had cancer, I'm sorry" card. I would expect nothing less from that shitbag.
New War Documentary Series "The Fighting Season" Trailer
DirecTV just ran this commercial during the DP Show for their new documentary series on the war in Afghanistan called The Fighting Season. Rarely do you get such a good look at combat unless it's some grainy video on Live Leak. Appointment television in my book. The 2 hour season premier is on May 19th on the Audience channel.
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
Shower Thoughts With Anna Kendrick
I remember when I started following the Shower Thoughts on reddit, and I assumed it would end up as some sort of book deal, i.e. Shit My Dad Says, Texts From Last Night, etc. If I'm being honest, I didn't post the original Nick Offerman Shower Thoughts video (below) because I didn't see the nearly invisible attributions to the authors from Reddit in the bottom left. Now that I know the attributions are there, my warped brain believes internet justice has been served. "I wonder what my dog named me" and "If Hillary Clinton wins, it will be the first time two presidents have had sex with one another" are Pulitzer prize worthy ruminations.
Lenny Dykstra & Mitch Williams Roast Each Other
"I didn't steal my son's signing bonus... I didn't rob my mother."
Those are two trump cards you don't normally play back to back. Philadelphia, the city known for brotherly love and irrational fandom, was chosen as a wise spot for a dual roast of people who absolutely despise each other. What could go wrong? Mitch Williams' drunken slur is hilariously strong, like an actor who's laying it on a little too thick. You would think Lenny Dykstra is drunk or on drugs as well, but he can't while he's on parole. He just naturally sounds like he's had two strokes.
PS - Please notice the quintessential Eagles fan who drunkenly rushes the stage and tells them to take it outside at 2:25. People seem so much drunker in Philly.
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
Steve Carell Creeps Me Out In The Foxcatcher Cocaine Scene
You have to watch this whole video to get the full effect, but for some reason this scene really creeped the shit out of me. Philatelist is just a disgusting word that sounds like a deviant sex act. Maybe I'm weird, but Steve Carell made my skin crawl enough times that I really wanted him to get the Oscar. It felt almost like Hannibal Lecter. The movie Foxcatcher is super slow, but incredibly well-acted. This scene inspired me to look up the most iconic cocaine scenes of all time.
Miguel Angel Jimenez Is Not Scared Of Keegan Bradley
Let me set this video up for you. Keegan Bradley is attempting to take his 2nd illegal drop in a row when Jimenez comes over to voice his displeasure. Jimenez hilariously tells Keegan's caddie to shut up at the 30 second mark of the video, and Keegan immediately gets in his face. Keegan Bradley is definitely in the running for least intimidating player on the tour, so that move itself was laughable. Jimenez doesn't flinch or even stop making his point, as Keegan fails miserably to defend his caddie. Absolutely classic week from the most interesting man in the world. This interview he gave Golf.com earlier in the week is the stuff of legend. Quotes like "water is for fish" and "tonight I will eat good food, drink good wine, smoke a good cigar and make love to my beautiful (new) wife."
A Conversation With Golf's Most Interesting Man: Miguel Angel Jimenez - link
And as always...
Justin Verlander Posts Note To Haters, Me
Verlander posted this note to his "haters" on Instagram yesterday as if he doesn't care what they say, yet I have indefensible proof that he cares A LOT what people think. Two weeks ago I received a notification email from Blogger informing me that Beach Chair Sports was infringing on Justin Verlander's copyright of his uber-dork selfie in mom jeans. I didn't even post the picture of the jizz all over Kate Upton's back or the awful naked dual selfie. Google/Blogger just automatically removes images when they receive a complaint, which means that Verlander is STILL paying his attorneys to reverse image search all of the pictures of him from The Fappening. Since I don't want to get in trouble and Barstool obviously trashed the copyright infringement letter they received, here is the link to the mom jeans selfie in question. Get over it bro.
Rapping Granny From The Wedding Singer Died
Ellen Albertini Dow was her name, and she was basically Betty White before it was cool. I couldn't find an unedited version of this first scene where Rosie brings up intercourse to Robbie, but the edits might actually make it better. The next video below is of a deleted scene that definitely should not have ended up on the cutting room floor. And lastly, I always get a kick out of her calling Eleanor Roosevelt a "real rug muncher."
Monday, May 4, 2015
MayPac Sucked Exactly Like We Thought
I'm not the least bit ashamed to say that I fell asleep during the 9th-10th rounds of the fight on Saturday night. It had been a marathon of a day and with the exception of Pacquiao's one punch that caught Mayweather in the 4th or 5th round, the fight was a total dud. People say boxing is dead for a variety of reasons, but the main reason is that nobody tries to knock anybody out anymore. The prop bet for total rounds on Saturday night was 11.5 rounds. Boxing for a decision is not the batshit crazy Tyson-style boxing we grew up with, and worse yet will be concussion awareness robbing us all of these classic fights and fighting styles. I don't want to get on my high horse and say that I'm not watching the rematch, because I'm definitely going to stream it. Either way, fuck Floyd Mayweather. His style epitomizes everything that is wrong with boxing, and the judges reward him for it.
Want To Know What It's Like To Catch A Homerun?
Unbelievable video. A little too unbelievable. The internet has jaded me.
Friday, May 1, 2015
Roger Goodell... You Had One Job!
Roger Goodell makes $44 million in salary alone from the NFL (not including endorsements), and yet he still can't pronounce this year's draft's most compelling draftee. Marcus Mariota won the fucking Heisman trophy for Christ sakes. It really does take time as an adult to realize that people in power are just as full of shit and stupid as the rest of us. Roger Goodell is completely & utterly incompetent, and that he can still hide behind TV ratings for cover just shows how low of a bar there is with NFL owners regarding the commissioner. And Jameis Winston taking heat for this amazing Instagram with crab legs reminds us all that NFL stands for No Fun League.
PS - How many BJs did the chick behind Jameis perform last night? Over/under 2½
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