Brian Scalabrine Mugshot

 
Did I say mugshot?  I meant media guide photo as assistant coach for the Golden State Warriors.

John Daly's Still Got It

Drunk after losing to Johnny Football, Daly pipes a tee shot into a parking lot full of cars.  Classic.

My Take on Firing Kiffin

It was time.  Personally, I wouldn't have allowed Lane Kiffin to coach another down after the Washington State game, but I also have to admit that I did not want a change after last season.  I may have been one of the few, but I loved his recruiting style with quality over quantity, even when quantity wasn't available.  All-time, I would bet that Kiffin ranks in the top 3 best recruiters rated by the scouting websites.  Lane vividly proved once and for all that fantastic recruiting pales in comparison to sub-par coaching.  We all knew his days were numbered once the Coliseum turned on him, so it couldn't have come as much of a shock.  I saw the defense quit during the 3rd quarter of the ASU debacle, and I'm just happy Haden saw the same thing.

Listening to the possible coaching candidates on the TV or the radio is worse than listening to NBA trade talk.  DP compared it to blindfolded darts.  I've already said that I think Herm Edwards is going to get the gig from the whispers around the hallways.  I was in Dallas a few weeks ago, and those delusional nitwits are talking about Nick Saban - like an offer from Texas would do anything except increase his current salary at Bama.  Why would he move laterally? Why would he leave the SEC with its cushy schedules?  For these and many other reasons, I believe Saban is a non-starter for anywhere put a possible pro team.  Here is my list in order, given what I've heard and what I think is objectively possible.

1. Herm Edwards
2. Chris Peterson
3. Pat Fitzgerald
4. Steve Sarkisian
5. Kliff Kingsbury

Everyone wants a homerun, but I think Chris Peterson is the only one on this list that qualifies according to the media.  Kingsbury will be a homerun in 4 or 5 years, it's just a little too early for him.  I've always like Pat Fitzgerald, but he is definitely the least flashy name on this list.  Sark for obvious reasons, but I think Haden wants to waive goodbye to the Pete Carroll coaching tree for the remainder of his administration.  I don't think a new coach will be announced until after the UCLA game, but you never know.  Hopefully Ed O and Pendergast can fire the boys up during this bye week.  I heard that the team took the news of Kiffin's firing "surprisingly well," which says a lot to me.  Here is how the head coach of a football team is supposed to sound.

Homeland Reviewed

Homeland auto-DVR'd last night, and I honestly decided to watch the Good Wife instead.  This breakdown of the show's descent into stupidity is perfect. 

"It would stand to reason that the man that once tried to blow up the Vice President should not be given unfettered access to the Vice President."

Kiffin Finally Fired

 

 

This is how I felt ALL day yesterday.

Week 4 Betting Ticket

This gif sums up how I feel about placing bets and revealing them to the world after last weekend's "performance."  My favorite game of the week has been Texas A&M vs. Arkansas.  Floyd Mayweather went on Howard Stern on Tuesday morning saying that TAMU -3 was the lock of the weekend.  Every sportsbook took the line down, and it is now resting comfortably at TAMU -15.  I'd love to know exactly how much he influenced that line.  Also, play Breaking Bad Bingo on Sunday night for some extra fun.

Single Plays
Ohio State -7
Stanford -9 (multiple units)
Bengals -4
Colts -9
Titans -4

Parlays
Ohio State -7, Stanford -9
Ohio State -7, Stanford -9, Bengals -4, Colts -9, Titans -4

USC's Appeal of Its Appeal Didn't Work

I really don't understand what people expected.  The only reason USC's name was seriously brought up after the Penn State sanction reductions was because of a PR campaign from the AD's office.  Mark Emmert even went so far as to specifically remind us that the NCAA does not use or set precedents before or after its unprecedented moves.  Why anyone in the Trojan Family was naïve enough to think we would get some relief genuinely makes me think less of the Trojan Family as a whole.  It's us against the world.

PS - Goodell unilaterally making decisions, as well as being head of the appeals process is eerily similar, except the new CBA screws over the players until 2020.  Our sanctions finally end next year.

Rookie Hazing

The Dodgers made Yasiel Puig dress up as Gumby for rookie hazing.  Nevermind that he doesn't get the reference - I think they could've been much more creative.  The Angels made Mike Trout be Lady Gaga, so I don't think Miley's outfit from the VMAs would've been out of the question.

Morning Melons with Alpha Phi

My Friends Had A Baby Shower

 
I don't know what I expected after his birthday party.

Herm Edwards Is USC's Next Head Coach

USC's 2nd half performance against Utah State put me back in that same Washington State loss depression.  The offense was horrendous again.  Think about this - USC's average offensive starting position was on Utah State side of the 50 for the 2nd half of Saturday's game.  We only managed 3 fucking points.  Once again, Kiffin shows that he cannot be trusted to call an efficient game.  Utah State's safeties were their weakest spot on defense, so we only tested the corners on the outside.  Almost no throws over the top to the tight ends after Telfer's ridiculous drop.  Marqise is making me miss Robert Woods' hands.  At the same time, the offensive line has massive pass protection problems.  Why we don't constantly run out of the play-action with our solid run blocking scheme is beyond me.  Attendance at the Coliseum has been abysmal, with a fanbase of about 55k that is angry and jaded after he was able to retain play-calling duties.  For all of these reasons, it is very clear to me that Lane Kiffin is finished as our head coach.

I was using my sources to get a read on the boosters and the general alumni consensus being felt at the athletic department.  Boosters have been assured that Haden & Nikias are seeing the same things we are.  They said the same thing last year, so we'll see.  Through the grapevine, I've heard that Pat Haden would like to be the first to hire an African American head coach, and a select few boosters have been told that Herm Edwards is putting on the full court press with his interest.  I think he will play well in the living room, and I think people still hold him in a generally positive light.  It does feel an awful lot like we are trying to find another Pete Carroll, but PC never had a 2-14 season.  On the bright side, instead of playing not to lose with Kiffin, we can look forward to this.

Best Instagram Video Ever

I thought the SAE's were holding it down in Fargo, but they obviously can't hold a candle to the SAE's at USC.  I lived in the room with the windows you can see looking out onto the basketball court.  Glad to see nothing's changed.



UPDATE - I got ahold of the original.  Parties.

Random Video Of The Week

Here is an ad for a Lithuanian company called Vytautas Mineral Water.  Also, this.

Unprecedented Precedent Not Set?

Every time I think of Jerry Sandusky, I think of this.

The NCAA has taken the unprecedented step of reducing Penn State's penalties resulting from the condoning and perpetuation of child rape throughout the football department.  The reason, and I'm not joking here, is "good behavior."  The logical question for every college football fan is, "what exactly constitutes good behavior at Penn State?"  How low has the bar actually been set in State College, PA?  The administrators that facilitated Jerry Sandusky for all those years still have yet to be brought to justice.

Mark Emmert gave no examples of things for other universities to strive for other than not cheating while on probation.  Thanks for the guidance Mark, you hapless buffoon.  Somehow you've been able to skip town as scandal is closing in throughout your career, but I hope you can't outrun this one, you ignorant FUCK.  Emmert was quoted, ""It should not be seen as a precedent of handling other cases."  Hey Mark, the NCAA has already made it vividly clear that 'precedent' will never ever fucking matter.  No one - I repeat - no one will ever get anything like USC.  Not even a whole team worth of cheaters (Read: Miami) will get punished like USC.  It will however be unprecedented how much of a cheap suit you will fold like to Donna Shalala, but astonishingly, a precedent will also not be set for future egregious cheaters (Read: Alabama).

@GSElevator Guide To Being A Man

If you aren't following @GSElevator on Twitter, then start right now.  Here's an example of the constant gems you come across.

GSElevator & John Carney of CNBC created a list of rules to live by as a man.  I disagreed with enough of them that I decided to piggyback my own list off of theirs.

Beach Chair Sports Guide to Manhood

1.       Measure yourself only against your previous self.

2.       Party hard in your 20’s & 30’s.  YOLO.

3.       Join Twitter - become your own curator of information.

4.       Do 50 push-ups, sit-ups, and dips before you shower each morning. 


5.       Take more quality group pictures.

6.       Throw parties. But have someone else clean up the next day.

7.       When the bartender asks, you should already know what you want to drink.

8.       Always carry cash.

9.       Tip more than you should.


10.    When a bartender buys you a round, tip double/triple.

11.    Be a regular at more than one bar.

12.    You can get away with a lot more if you're the one buying the drinks.

13.    Drink outdoors. 
And during the day. And sometimes by yourself. 

14.    Avoid that “last” whiskey. You’ve probably had enough.

15.    If it’s got velvet ropes and lines, walk away unless you know someone.



16.    Act like you’ve been there before, even if you haven't. 

17.    Eat brunch with friends at least every other weekend.

18.    Pretty women who are unaccompanied want you to talk to them.

19.    When people don’t invite you to a party, you really shouldn’t go.
And sometimes even when you are invited, you shouldn’t go.


20.    You will regret your tattoos.

21.    Never date an ex of your friend.

22.    Buy a tuxedo before you are thirty. Stay that size.

23.    Never get married during football season.



24.    Always bring a bottle of something to the party.

25.    Mini liquor bottles can go through airport security. Be discreet on the plane.

26.    Read more. Write occasionally.

27.    Own a handcrafted shotgun.

28.    Learn how to fly-fish.  

29.    Don’t gamble if losing $100 is going to piss you off.

30.    Any investment guaranteeing greater than 10% returns is a scam.

31.    Always pay your credit card bill in full. They make their money on interest.

32.    Online shop for everything that you possibly can.

33.    Join a country club or gentleman’s club. It will pay dividends.

34.    Start a booze collection for your kids when they are born.  Add a few cases every year without telling them. It’ll make a phenomenal gift in twenty years.

35.    Don’t ever say, “It is what it is.”

This Made Me Laugh

The idea of liberal blowhard Aaron Sorkin's character in Newsroom holding a candle to Bryan Cranston's portrayal of Walter White is laughable.  Is Newsroom even watched by 1/10th of Breaking Bad's total viewers?  I seriously doubt it.  But I'm sure the fags in Hollywood and ugly nerds in Washington loved it.

The Tropic Thunder trailers always make me laugh as well.

Brynn Cameron's Insurance Policy

Los Angeles -  Brynn Cameron & Blake Griffin are the new proud parents of Ford Wilson Cameron-Griffin, who was born August 1st.  The birth certificate lists Brynn as the mother and Blake Austin Griffin as the daddy.  

As for the child she had with her baby daddy Matt Leinart, 6-year-old Cole lives primarily with her and we're told she's getting a boatload of child support -- we know she was getting $15k a month.

If you don't think this is the name of my new fantasy team name, then you don't know me very well.  Talk about a jersey-chaser of epic proportions.  As a fellow South Bay resident, I know for a fact she kept the pregnancy a total secret, so let's give her a thumbs up for staying true to her Mormon roots.  2-for-2.  Has there ever been a more blatant insurance policy than Ford Wilson?  Once the Raiders weren't calling back, she needed a backup plan.

Mangled Hands

On Sunday, Arizona Cardinals Safety Rashad Johnson crushed the tip of his middle finger on his right hand, saying that it never came out of the glove.  Many people have heard the story of Ronnie Lott chopping a digit off from his pinkie at halftime when they told him he couldn't play.  Johnson's obliviousness to the situation seemed more like adrenaline (Read: Toradol) masking the pain.  Some of these mangled NFL hands are hard to believe.

Update - Rashad Johnson just tweeted this picture of his finger.

 

Ronnie Lott

Anthony Munoz

Chuck Bednarik

Torry Holt

Gameday Sign Of The Year

  

I appreciate the SAE's in Fargo, ND holding it down for the rest of us slackers nationwide.  Check out this kid's face.  Priceless.

Puig's Worm

I knew Puig was built like a brick shit-house, but I was still surprised at this video.  I was going to post something about Bo Pelini's rant last week, but I came across this much more hilarious one in the process.  Enjoy.   

Who Said It Best?

 

Or?

Week 3 Betting Ticket

 
This might be the worst looking slate of games I've ever looked at.  It really is a perfect time for Gameday to be in Fargo, North Dakota for a Division 2 game.  I think USC wins by two scores tomorrow, but I still have no faith in Kiffin's unpredictable playcalling.  Next week's picks should be more interesting.

Single Plays
USC -7
Stanford -6½
BYU -7
Lions - Pick
Vikings -7

Parlays
USC -7, Stanford -6½, BYU -7
USC -7, Stanford -6½, BYU -7, Lions (Pick), Vikings -7

USC vs. UCLA Rivalry

 

I love this shit-talking and bulletin board material all the way around.  This rivalry has felt dormant over the last twenty years.  UCLA owned the 90's and USC owned 2000's.  I really hope that these games start to feel more like Notre Dame games -- where I truly don't know who's going to win.  Thanksgiving weekend seems like forever from now.  For those wondering, USC leads this "rivalry" 46-29-7 all-time.

Hollywood Nights

The Lakers released their "Hollywood Nights" black uniforms last night.  I'm not sure the Black Mamba has ever looked more fierce. 

Faux Outrage

An Ohio State fan did a very fair comparison of the media coverage between Tatgate with Terrell Pryor and the recent DJ Fluker news at Alabama.  I dislike a few of these writers (Read: Forde), so it's nice to see their hypocrisy so well highlighted.  Calling it "scandal fatigue" is such a cop-out while Jay Bilas continues to pile on the NCAA every chance he gets.  Also, these sentences could not be dripping with more sarcasm, and I love it.

"Total value of improper benefits for the players involved in Tatgate was less than half of what Fluker alone received.  Surely he was the only one at Alabama. Agents and financial advisors were otherwise shunned by the rest of the Crimson Tide."

Birdman Catfished

Just go read this story on Deadspin.  It's batshit crazy.  Birdman was baited into a romp with an underage chick in California by a hacker, then extorted for statutory rape by said hacker pretending to be the underage girl's mom.  The kicker is that the hacker is a woman. 

You would think that these athletes could just meet chicks without having to scam on social media.

49ers Are Cops

Seattle, WA - In an attempt to deter the kind of violence and boorish behavior that has marred many sporting events (Read: Bryan Stow), some armed Seattle Police Department officers will wear San Francisco 49ers gear to patrol Sunday’s game at CenturyLink Field. The Police Department, which was asked by stadium officials to use the tactic this year, hopes it will help fans think twice about how they treat everyone at the game, no matter what team they’re rooting for.

Knowing cops are going to be dressed as away team fans is a fairly good deterrent from berating normal, non-rabid fans who just want to watch the game.  I get it.  But then I thought about how easy it would be to tell if you are sitting next to a cop.  He's probably not as interested in the game, he's armed which is hard to hide, and fans will have a heyday pointing them out.  This picture is case in point.  Absolute perfection.

Also, one of my favorite follows on Twitter used to Not A Cop, so this story really hit home. 

Dennis Rodman

 
So I saw this Dennis Rodman commercial last night, and it made me want to re-watch HBO's last Vice episode on North Korea.  If you have HBO at home, you can watch it here.  Just click Sign In, choose your cable provider, and log in to your own cable provider.  Well worth it. 

#Live10ThousandYears

How NFL Owners Made Their Money

I actually need to work this week, so I apologize ahead of time for the slow down in posts.  Don't blame me, blame The Man.  Here is a fun link to how all of the NFL owners made their money.  Watching the Seahawks BEAST MODE the 49ers last night was the highlight of my weekend.

Terry Bradshaw's Hot Mic

 
All of us are used to the live cut-ins during PTI's commercial breaks, but someone didn't get that memo to Terry Bradshaw for FS1's Fox Football Daily.  If you listen closely, he says, "Besides, I wouldn't have fucked his ugly-ass mother anyways.  God dang, I got more pride than that."  Class act that Terry Bradshaw.

How Does This Happen?

Showboating before the endzone was invented by Deion Sanders, but these hotdog's brainfarts are absolutely unforgivable.  The worst showboating I can remember was Usain Bolt in Beijing.  He could've obliterated the 100M world record, but he just had to start bumping his chest with 10 meters to go.  Well worth it not to wait approximately a quarter of a second to celebrate.  Please don't look for a common theme amongst the examples. 

Week 2 Betting Ticket

If USC wasn't so predictably terrible, I'd be off to a much worse start this season.  Normally I would bet the house that BC would cover 14 points, but I have very mixed feelings about this game.  I don't think Kiffin has any choice but to air it out or face a lynch-mob, so I decided to stay off it.

Single Plays
Mayweather
Bama -8½ 
Ole Miss +3
ASU -6
Seahawks -3

Parlays
Bama -8½, Ole Miss +3, ASU -6
Mayweather, Cowboys +3, Seahawks -3, Eagles -7½

Teasers
Rams +13, Cowboys +9, Lions +4
Rams +13, Cowboys +9, Lions +4, Texans -4, Redskins +13

Slam City T-Shirts

I made a quick mockup of the Slam City T-shirts for this basketball season.  Like this page if you would like to pre-order a $20 shirt for Andy Enfield's inaugural season.  Yes, I have moved on from football mentally.  Here's one more reason to get excited for basketball.

USC Basketball Recruiting

 
The USC basketball team got a commitment yesterday from the top point guard on the west coast.  His name is Jordan McLaughlin, and I loved watching his mixtape.  He spreads the ball around really well, and I can already see the lobs coming.  I'm predicting "Dunk City" transforming into "Slam City" at the Galen Center.  T-shirts coming soon.

If USC is somehow able to steal Stanley Johnson away from UCLA, many think that we would have a top 5 recruiting class nationally.  Mater Dei has been a feeder school for UCLA of late, so Enfield has his work cut out for him.

Peyton Manning Mary Jane

 

I wonder if you will spontaneously combust while simultaneously playing Madden as Peyton Manning, eating pizza from Peyton Manning's Papa John's, and smoking the Peyton Manning strain.  I need someone in Denver to test this out before it's too late.  Be careful.

Rihanna's Dickpurse

 
In the 2013 slut-off between her & Miley, Rihanna just stepped her game up - pulling out the dickpurse to combat the naked wrecking ball.  Stay tuned to see which skank takes home this coveted prize of toxic relationships and soon-to-be-hacked nude selfies.
 

PS - When did DJ Jazzy Jeff come back into style?

Random Video of the Week

This video does it's best impression of Call On Me with a Rad Anthem slant.  Enjoy.

I Want To Be Justin Timberlake

Best. Life. Ever. - Jessica Biel, his new album, his SNL appearances.  I don't think JT would trade places with one person on earth.  The love scene from Ghost in this clip got me pretty good. I also laughed really hard at this Andrew McCutchen montage of Tom Cruise characters.  He's gotta get used to finishing in the top 5 in MVP voting with Dodgers constantly taking it from him.

Blackfish Documentary

So I downloaded this documentary about killer whales last night called Blackfish.  It was pretty good but after watching the trailer, I was anticipating some rare, unknown footage of attacks that SeaWorld wasn't able to snuff out and/or buy from frightened onlookers.  Nope.  I'm usually not this blood thirsty, but no gore whatsoever wasn't what I signed up for.  They told stories of a bum jumping in and losing his genitals, with trainers being bludgeoned against walls and others being dragged around like ragdolls.  Nothing more than the trailer.  At least The Cove delivered in the end.  Enjoy.

Oscar De La Hoya Back To Rehab

 

I can't imagine someone I am less surprised is headed back to rehab.  Steve-O maybe?  You just can't allow someone to take THESE pictures of you unless cocaine & other scripts are simply coursing through your veins.  As if the fishnets weren't bad enough, he added a wig and fedora to his girlfriend's panties & heels.  It grinds my gears to think about the millions Oscar stands to make off the Mayweather-Canelo fight this weekend.  He preemptively checked himself into rehab knowing full-well that he couldn't possibly handle the coming windfall.  At least he knows himself as well as the rest of us know him.  

Not An Onion Article

Amman, Jordan - A Jordanian MP was arrested after firing a Kalashnikov assault rifle in parliament at a colleague on Tuesday, without causing injuries, judicial and parliamentary sources said.  "The prosecutor general of Amman on Tuesday ordered the detention for 15 days of Talal al-Sharif after he opened fire on MP Qusay al-Damissi in the Chamber of Deputies building," said the judicial source. He faces charges including attempted murder, possession of unlicenced firearms and resisting the security forces.
 
Sharif was expelled from parliament and Damissi suspended for one year, according to Jordan's official Petra news agency.  The source said the shooting came after an argument broke out in parliament on Sunday between Damissi and another member, Yahia al-Saud.  Video footage emerged showing Damissi removing his shoes and Saud his belt during the dispute, which flared due to differences over parliamentary procedure, before they were separated.  
 
In July 2012, a live television debate on domestic issues between two deputies also degenerated into fisticuffs before one of them pulled out a gun and was overpowered.

I thought our government was dysfunctional, but try to imagine this scene happening in the picture above.  Someone just starts firing an AK wildly at a fellow statesman.  The kicker is the guy who was shot at was suspended for a whole year for removing his shoes.  How are these guys allowed to be packing heat after the previous year's debate?

On a serious note, taking off your belt shits on removing your shoes as a pre-fight power move.  It looks like MP Damissi dodged quite a few bullets.

T. Boone Pickens University

Sports Illustrated is dragging their feet releasing their story on Oklahoma State's paying of players, hostesses banging recruits, etc.  Such an obvious attempt to drive traffic to their site is turning me off to the whole story in general, and to be honest, I really just don't care to read the same shit over and over again.  I pre-ordered Armen Keteyian's book "The System," but I seriously doubt I will learn anything of consequence.  Everyone cheats, some are just more experienced at hiding it. 

What we will learn from this OK State story -
1. Les Miles & Mike Gundy have plausible deniability regarding all of this.  Don't ask, don't tell.
2. OSU started paying players as soon as T. Boone Pickens offered to be their Phil Knight (shocker).
3. The NCAA will fuck up this investigation even though it was gift wrapped to them by SI.
4. Any non-traditional school succeeding in FBS football is cheating 6 ways to Sunday.
5. The NCAA will allow them to self-impose, since Miami is still hanging over their head.
6. Mike Gundy will get a promotion when all is said and done.  I think USC is hiring.
7. The SEC ties up their loose ends better than a brand new "powerhouse" knows how.
8. Dez Bryant actually DID deserve to sit out that season.
9. Cheaters always prosper.
10. No one actually cares.