Why Is Mazda's Spokeswoman Mia Hamm??

I realize that this is a super random rant, but why the fuck is Mia Hamm still being used as a spokeswoman for Mazda?  Every single commercial break during the Angel games includes this commercial, but I cannot remember the last time she was even relevant.  A quick look at Wikipedia informs me that she won the gold medal at the Olympics in Athens in 2004 and promptly retired to start a family with Nomar Garciaparra.  So it has essentially been a decade since anyone last thought about her?  Is there no woman athlete that has become even remotely marketable in the last 10 years?

Morning Melons with Megan Cushing & Congrats on Baby #2

I would like to be nearly the first to wish Brian Cushing and his wife Megan congratulations on the birth of their 2nd son today.  As I did not even know he was married, here is a long overdo profile of his wife, ex-USC soccer player Megan Ohai Cushing.  I think you'll enjoy the slutty pictures I found from her time in the USC dorms too.

And this picture still scares me.

#UCLAFlood Was Insane, Louis Slungpue Explains

This video has everything - a fake name, multiple obvious lies, poo humor, and a poser Bruin skimboarder eating shit down the stairs.  It doesn't get much better when it comes to local news trollings.  There is absolutely no way DWP could possibly blame it on a cherry bomb while the water was still pumping.  Oh yeah, and his fake name is Louis fucking Slungpue.  Two hours geysering at  36,000 gallons per minute is the equivalent to 18 fire trucks at full blast. 

New Pauley Pavilion has had better days.  Millions in damages.

Hot Crazy Matrix - A Man's Guide to Women

I found this dude's matter-of-fact tone even more hilarious than the matrix itself.  I guarantee you will get a kick out of these 6 minutes of hate.  I'm still holding out for my unicorn / tranny.  And the video below has to be the longest putt-putt hole-in-one of all time.

Weekend Randomness

I saw a gif of this streaker during American Ninja Warrior, and it seems fake since the cameraman stuck with him the whole time.  Either way, that looked like the most liberating 15 seconds of fame I can possibly imagine.  A woman at SEC Media Days took a great picture with Will Muschamp.  Her shirt reads "I love big sacks and a Gator D."

And a couple of Russian daredevil bros scaled Dubai's Princess tower, the largest residential building in the area.  The selfie's they took are gut-wrenching.

I Could Listen To Munenori Kawasaki All Day

Munenori Kawasaki got a bear hug from Big Papi a few days ago during a game.  I just came across an interview with him regarding the hug, and I honestly thought his speech pattern was a joke.  After finding another Youtube of him "mastering the English language" for comparison, it's safe to say that I could listen to Kawasaki talk all damn day.

Notre Dame Shits On Tradition

Notre Dame decided to get rid of its traditionally long and shaggy football field grass and replace it with synthetic Field Turf instead.  Truthfully, Desmond Reed's knee injury always irked me since it happened directly in front of me, but I would've just asked them to mow it tighter.  I knew Notre Dame was losing sight of tradition when they allowed Adidas to starting screwing with their uniforms, but it seems as if nothing is holy anymore.  Also, I guarantee this has was Brian Kelly's blowhard decision 100%.  I don't even want to bother looking up Kelly's talking points like, "the long grass hides our speed and evens the playing field."  Do you think Rudy's Dad would've felt the same way looking out on the Field Turf?

Palos Verdes Peacock Killer Is A Ditka Lookalike

NBCLA posted this police sketch of the suspected peacock murderer in Rolling Hills Estates in Los Angeles.  It's basically a perfect drawing of Mike Ditka without a mustache.  The sketch artist has to be trolling us all with this rendering.  On the other hand, if anyone has ever heard the awful noises that consistently stream from peacocks, you could easily understand why someone finally snapped. @SIVault just tweeted this picture of Joe Torre & Yogi Berra from back in the day.  Torre's smedium jersey flawlessly accents his bicep mullet.

Morgan Freeman Reads Lebron's Letter

This has to be one of Frank Caliendo's best characters.  Morgan Freeman's voice is (nearly) one of a kind, so Caliendo is really showing his range in this clip.  This video is going viral as I type, so I hope you saw it here first.  In other news, Justin Blackmon just keeps getting arrested, so I'm just happy that Marqise Lee won't have to split time with this moron.

Here's a couple of bros taking in the sights at the Tour De France.

Nobody reads anymore, so Time Magazine has basically been relegated to coming up with newsworthy cover art.  This month's cover is case in point.  I'm sure the story is a great read about Barack's inept and incompetent "reset" with Russia.  Putin is playing chess like a Grandmaster while Obama's googling the rules for Chinese checkers.  Why not right, we'll all be speaking Chinese by the time his Socialist agenda takes hold in America.

Seahawks Mascot Blitz Ruins 49ers Fan

You just have to know better in this situation.  Never challenge a mascot to any sort of competition.  Most of them are ex-gymnasts with a craving to embarrass anyone athletically.  This 49ers loser fell so hard he literally bounced.  The Thanksgiving night game between these two is going to be a bloodbath.  And I think I got a pretty good selfie with Blitz on the field after the Super Bowl.

The High Five Is Gayer Than You Thought

Grantland's 30 for 30 Shorts just posted this documentary on the origin of the High Five celebration.  I did not know this story, nor did I know anything about Glenn Burke beforehand.  It's fascinating ESPN was able to trace this iconic gesture to one specific moment in Dodgers history.  The main thing that I came away with from this video is that the Gay Mafia has been unfairly labeling Michael Sam & Jason Collins as heroic pioneers when Glenn Burke was clearly out of the closet 35 years earlier.  Gay rights have been moving forward at a record pace since the Community Organizer-in-Chief took over in 2008, so I guess I understand the need to strike while the narrative is still hot.  Somehow the Gay Mafia must not think they can rally people around the High Five, the most pervasive celebration of all-time, as the ultimate symbol of inclusiveness.

PS - Don't tell me there's no Gay Mafia.  You only need to look at Tony Dungy's public lynching this week for further proof.  Or ask that cocksucking fag, Alec Baldwin.

Charles Barkley Still Sucks At Golf

I'm not sure this was ever really up for debate, but I just saw this swing from The American Century Championship up in Tahoe.  My favorite part about his golf struggles is that he doesn't have a hitch on the driving range.  Totally 100% mental.  After taking a look at his scorecard the last two days, I would really just like to know how many double bogeys he actually made considering it was clearly max double.  Only 5 bogeys out of 54 holes would drive any alcoholic to drink, so I'm sure Sir Charles was shit-housed last night.

Tuesday Morning Boredom

I couldn't sleep last night, so I was scrolling through Reddit hoping to cure my infinite boredom.  The mother of a soldier in Afghanistan posted this note she supposedly received from her AWOL son.  She transcribed the letter as "Hello, mom. I'm sorry I didn't write to you sooner. I feel terrible about running away, but I want you to know that I'm fine. I'm coming home soon. I love you so much. I can't wait to see you. I'm OK. Love you, mom. Bye bye."  She was concerned about his mental state given the manner and strange structure in which the letter was written.  After she posted a picture of the letter, a Redditor came back with a very scary translation.  AaronJones06 said, "It's Morse code. Lower case = dot. Upper case = dash. Comma = break. ---Kidnapped by Taliban -Torture -No food -They will kill me -Help help help---"  Interesting reading for 2am, but this letter screams internet hoax to me.  The crumbled up paper with no folds does not really explain how such a letter could possibly be delivered to a captured soldier's family.  Either way, let's hope this is a hoax.  And this bro has a scary perfect Washington Nationals beard.

Laughs On A Monday

I saw this clip on The Soup last week, and I still can't stop laughing about it.  I definitely need to give the anti-Mormon "Escaping The Prophet" reality TV show a chance.  And I saw this hilarious ending to an episode of The Office again last night.  I forgot how amazing and random it is.

Mike Trout's Revenge Vine

This is the BEST.  Mike Trout doesn't get the annoying headlines like Bryce Harper simply because he doesn't shoot his mouth off to reporters.  He's smarter than that, plus Scioscia has complete control of the Angels clubhouse.  Rarely do you see the best player in baseball get this animated, so I'm going to relish just how perfect this Vine is in response to Fernando Rodney calling his shot 3 outs too soon.

PS - If the Cardinals hit Hanley Ramirez one more time this season, Don Mattingly will be the first out of the dugout on a beeline for Matheny's face.  I'm seriously looking forward to this future brawl, which would've happened last night if the game wasn't close.

#RE2PECT Parody for A-Rod

This was almost as good as the original.  I was happier than I expected to see Rory hoist the Claret Jug yesterday at Hoylake.  Plus it is always amusing to see Sergio Garcia be so close and yet so far from his first major victory.  He's basically the Colin Montgomerie of my generation, and I have a morbid fascination with people crumbling under pressure.  I saw this picture of Rickie Fowler & Rory McIlroy from the Walker Cup (read: Junior Ryder Cup) back in 2007, and they genuinely look like young children.

And it's too bad John Daly didn't make the weekend, since we were cheated out of 2 more days of Loudmouth Golf pants.  The two strippers and female body collage ones on the right are my favorite.

Angry Tiger Is My Favorite Tiger

This compilation of F-bombs below is very entertaining, but you have to turn it up the volume really loud to catch all of them.  I would make fun of his third-person "Goddamn it, Tiger!" outbursts, but I'm definitely guilty of that myself.  I think he's going to make it to the weekend on the cut line, so CBS couldn't be any happier right now.

Is It 5 O'clock Yet?

This might be my favorite picture in months.  Joe Ligotti is the exact caricature of a mobster union rep.  If you removed his name and title, I still would've guessed his name was Joe and that he was connected to a union/mob.  The flat-top, the biggest 2nd chin I've ever seen, the dueling chain bracelets and necklace, and the unlit cigar to boot - It's like he just walked out of the Double Deuce.  My guess would be that he's explaining the size of the hoagie he wants for lunch.  That said, it kinda makes me happy that the mob so blatantly still exists in 2014.  I'm sure Ligotti is quite the "worker."

In other news, I just read this fascinating long-read about Tom Emanski and those back-to-back-to-back AAU National Championship commercials.  I feel like his name recognition alone would be enough to retry this business model with updated videos today, but it sounds like he has less than no interest.  And it was 15 years ago today that Jean Van De Velde shat down his leg of the 72nd hole of the British Open at Carnoustie.  Happy Anniversary Jean!

Crazy Day In The World

So this video was just released of audit recordings supposedly from a pro-Russian rebel leader to a Russian intelligence agent discussing the shooting down of Malaysian Air Flight 17.  I cannot authenticate this recording obviously, but that last statement about it being a war zone seemed genuine.  It should make us all warm and cuddly inside to know that the black box is on its way to Moscow for a "full investigation."  Now we'll surely get the truth.  Obama took the news so hard, he mentioned the disaster for 40 seconds before launching into 16 minutes of jokes and lies about Republicans.  Americans were rightfully disgusted at his lack of response.  A passenger from the plane posted this eerie comment to Facebook right before they left Amsterdam.  So sad.

Israel finally decided that they've had enough of getting blamed for being bombed, and they essentially invaded Gaza on foot while continuing massive airstrikes.  Anybody who defends Hamas / Palestine (Read: Obama) is a fucking moron of the highest order.  It's only fitting that both Rihanna and Dwight Howard are two celebrities that were dumb enough to tweet #FreePalestine.  So ignorant, it pains me that they are allowed to vote.  Then CNN reporter Diana Magnay tweeted this masterpiece, which she promptly deleted 8 minutes later.  Over/under of 14 days left for Diana at CNN?  Don't hold your breath.

I can't wait to see how much the Lakers bid on the services of Carlos Boozer.  My guess is somewhere around $12 million, but who knows since the front office is clearly desperate.  Hopefully he can be a good mentor for Julius Randle. The British Open was the only good thing about today, and John Daly's stripper-print pants were the highlight.

Erik Kuselias Must Die

Jason McIntyre from The Big Lead posted a maddening story about Erik Kuselias' failed attempt at a package deal for him and his wife, Holly Sonders at BOTH Fox and NBC.  It blew up in his face, and he is now out at NBC Sports.  Because of his misdeeds, Holly Sonders has now been put on paid leave at NBC Sports / Golf Channel.  She tweeted this morning about her move to Fox Sports in January 2015, thus we will be Holly Sonders-less until then because Kuselias is the world's "biggest douchebag."  Since we will be without her services until next year, here is the link to her naked selfie.

Block Party The Size Of Texas

News broke this morning that USC & Alabama are going to play in the Cowboy Classic to kickoff the 2016 season.  My mind immediately started daydreaming about our football team in two years.  Sark will have brought in 2 full recruiting classes by that time, which means that we should be about 90% healed from the sanctions in my opinion.  Bama should be on cruise control to a preseason #1 or #2 ranking, unless Tosh Lupoi starts cutting the checks to the players from the athletic department checkbook.  Even that may not matter. #DJFluker  A friend quickly pointed out to me that UCLA is playing at Texas A&M and Notre Dame is playing at Texas during the same weekend.  Luckily for USC fans, we won't have to deal with any burnt orange in Dallas for the long labor day weekend.  Dove hunting then straight to a flight to Dallas for 3 days has an amazing ring to it.  CAN'T WAIT!

Pictures of the Week

This is how long the rough is at Royal Liverpool this weekend.  I hope it's windy.  And these new UCLA uniforms get uglier by the year.  Just hideous.  Let's just hope they have as much success in these as they did in the all whites.

I think the Rolex band hat adjuster on CP3's hat is awesome.  Don't want - need that ASAP.  And this picture of the Rock should make you think twice before seeing Hercules.

All Star Game Wrap Up

The All Star Game last night was a joke for many reasons.  Before the game even started, the Derek Jeter circle jerk was already in full swing (stroke?).  Considering the amount ESPN has been blowing LeBron for making the easiest PR, money, and basketball decision of his career, I wasn't in an especially gracious mood for Jeets.  Then Wainwright gives him a meatball after a lengthy standing ovation.  As an AL fan, I did not have much of a problem with the pitch, as Chan Ho Park did the same thing for Cal Ripken in 2001 (before the All Star Game mattered).  While I agree that it's completely retarded the ASG determines home field advantage in the World Series, Wainwrong was far dumber to admit that he gave Jeter a meatball.  Why say anything?  Maybe he was embarrassed for getting torched in an inning that should've been Kershaw's.  Maybe he was just joking, as he claimed later while walking back his comments.  Either way, keep your mouth shut, since no one needs to hear that Jeter got a pity pitch to hit in his final pity All Star Game start.  That was just too much for me.  Additionally, there was an eerie passing of the Yankee torch feeling for me as Trout took home the MVP, just one more thing that irked me last night.

And this graphic will never get old.

UPDATE - I forgot to mention how Fox completed dropped the ball on a Tony Gwynn tribute.  God forbid we salute the greatest hitter in the last 35 years.  Oh ya, he wasn't a Yankee.  Got it.  And this pregame prediction is creepily accurate.

@Tindafella Cracked Me Up Today

@Tindafella is a dude on Instagram that decided to bestow his sincerest form of flattery upon all of his Tinder matches - Imitation.  I'm a big fan of this guy's infinite boredom.  If you feel like hitting up his Tumblr page to see the rest, I would recommend it.  Enjoy.

End of World Cup Marks Largest Day for BCS

Mario Götze (which I refuse to pronounce as anything but Goatse) scored a very late goal in extra time yesterday to secure the World Cup victory for Germany.  In my hurry to escape soccer for 4 more years, I flipped over to the NFL Network directly after the final whistle, since I could not watch Schweinsteiger act hurt any longer.  In my haste, I missed all of the German WAGs running train over the postgame coverage.  I had completely forgotten that I had long ago dedicated a Morning Melons to Götze's girlfriend Ann-Kathrin Vida.  As such, BCS blew up yesterday, getting 6 times the pageviews as the previous best day in this blog's history.  Maybe soccer isn't so bad after all.  And the new College Football Playoff trophy looks like a vagina.  I would even go so far as to say the committee is "putting the pussy on a pedestal."  And it definitely doesn't have the same ring to it as hoisting the crystal ball.

Linsanity Coming To The Lakers

After all of today's events, the news of Jeremy Lin to the Lakers has taken a backseat for some strange reason.  As usual, Kupchak comes out of nowhere with a sweetheart deal - a point guard that is only under contract for one more year and a 2015 draft pick the Lakers desperately needed.  I've been rooting for Dwight Howard's back to give out since he left Los Angeles, so now I'm further incentivized to root against him, Harden, and McHale.  Now I'm just waiting for Byron Scott to be named head coach, although George Karl is the right choice.  An ancillary benefit of this trade is that Jeremy Lin will start over CP3 in the All Star Game due to the Asian vote, so there's that.  Get excited by watching the hour and a half long Linsanity documentary below.