Finally A Piece Of Wearable Tech To Get Behind

The Wank Band was just introduced by Pornhub as one of the first wearable pieces of technology that recharges your cell phone.  The premise of the product makes sense, although it's being marketed awfully.  This should be an anklet or something that you can store energy for desperate measures at a bar or a game.  The idea of jerking off to create energy makes a little sense except for the whole privacy thing.  You basically only need a charge in a public place.  And that place most likely frowns up "bashing yourself off," unless you DGAF like this bloke.

Russell Westbrook Travels Like Dwyane Wade

How do all 3 referees miss this?  What are they watching?

Marshawn Lynch's Biopic "Family First" Trailer

I had a tough time making it through the whole thing.  The background beat got old after 4 minutes.  It makes me wonder if that beat is the only song in Beast Mode's headphones as his own personal theme music.  The "acting" was awful, slow, and forced.  The fake football game was somehow even worse.  Nothing in that entire trailer worked, yet I still can't wait to pirate a copy.  And in other news, Beast Mode trademarked "I'm just here so I don't get fined" yesterday, so I look forward to a bunch of criminals wearing these shirts to their court dates.

Captivating Article On Missing Malaysian Flight MH370

Click Here to Read The Article

I've never believed that a plane could up & disappear without nefarious hands at work, so I believe this rationale a million times more than a downed plane in the ocean with no wreckage or debris.  I also believe the United States, Russia, and most likely China know exactly what happened to that plane.  Either way, it's a fascinating read that I'm sure you'll enjoy.  In other news, a woman in Georgia's last meal on death row in amazing.  Everyone knows Newman's Own buttermilk dressing is the absolute best.

And this ISIS Training video is laugh out loud funny.  The walking tree ghillie suit was some next level stealth camouflage.

Byron Jones Sets Broad Jump World Record at Combine

The other DBs reaction to this broad jump is the best part of this video.  That and this dude flying.  He shattered the NFL combine record by EIGHT INCHES today.  They are claiming Byron Jones set the world record today, but the Olympics gave up on the broad jump / standing long jump in 1912.

And the Oscars was boring last night.  NPH only made me laugh with his unwritten jokes.  I thought everything else fell flat.  It's truly amazing that the most spot on explanation of the way The Academy votes comes from Robert Downey Jr. in blackface, but here we are.  Last night, Eddie Redmayne won best actor for ALS and Julianne Moore won best actress for Alzheimer's.  Anybody not immediately thinking of Tropic Thunder is no friend of mine.

Rolls-Royce SUV With Suicide Doors Is My Next Car

I NEED this car.  The Porsche Cayenne, the Lamborghini Urus, the Maserati Kubang, and the Bentley Bentayga can all take a back seat to the Rolls-Royce's so far unnamed Phantom SUV.  And I actually looked up if the New York Post is available for delivery after I saw today's frontpage.  It isn't delivered in LA, but you can get a digital copy.  Nevermind.

Afroman Posts Hilarious Excuse For Knocking Out Chick

Afroman slapped the ever-loving shit out of this chick.  People have been laughing at this video for a few days now.  The outrage police let everyone know yesterday that Afroman was indeed arrested for the assault.  And while I most definitely don't believe him, his excuse on Facebook is amazing.

I. CAN'T. STOP. LAUGHING.

I could watch this dog jerk off all day long.  Funniest thing I've ever seen.

The University Of Akron Is Paying Students $20 For Attending BBall Games

The University of Akron has instituted a program where they are putting $20 on student's ID cards for attending basketball games.  I've never heard of such a thing, but if USC offered students $20 to Traddies for every basketball game they attended, the student section wouldn't look like this.  Considering that Andy Enfield is 4-27 in the Pac-12 since his questionable hire, why not try a gimmick like this to get the Galen Center filled?  In other news, I can't stop laughing at the most Canadian gif of all time.

Al Roker's BDSM Outfit Is Forever Burned Into My Brain

I don't really even know what to say about Al Roker.  Just a big WTF.  I guess it could be photoshopped since he has no neck and weathermen love green screens, but I think that's just a whole lot of Al.  Jimmy Fallon telling his story of the SNL 40 after party is a good listen, although it sounds like he took his hosting duties a little too seriously.  And of course the best part of the story is when Dave Chappelle reminded everyone that they were in the presence of true greatness - Prince.

53 First Skits Ever For Famous SNL Members

This is exactly how I felt when I saw this link.

http://www.vulture.com/2015/02/snl-cast-members-first-sketch.html

I haven't even made it through 10 of them.  Billy Crystal's opening monologue was incredible.  I will forever miss Phil Hartman's voice.  SNL's 40 year anniversary will most likely be a reunion on Saturday night with cameo's and reprised characters from all 4 decades.  I follow SNL on Facebook, and I'm sure it would be easier to list who ISN'T going to be there this weekend.  Jimmy Fallon is hosting.  That is most definitely appointment TV.  Don't forget to DVR it if you actually have someone to celebrate Valentine's Day with.  This is still my favorite though.

Presenting The Automatic Blowjob Machine - The AutoBlow2

I've always thought that people had it wrong about the end of the world.  Bill Gates & Elon Musk telling us that artificial intelligence is the greatest potential threat to the human race.  I never really bought into the whole SkyNet thing, especially knowing an electromagnetic pulse could disable everything.  It's always been my contention that the end of the human race hinges on when virtual sex is better than the real thing.  The AutoBlow2 is simply another step in that direction.  If you think technology is killing conversation skills and human interaction, just wait til the AutoBlow15.  And this Fake Step dance move is unreal.  I still can't figure it out.

And here's the only funny email I've gotten from my dad in his last 250 emails.

Eagles Apologize For Riley Cooper Calendar Oversight

Riley Cooper haters are up in arms because the wide receiver was chosen as the picture for February, otherwise known as Black History Month.  These non-event, faux outrage stories consistently make me laugh.  Only a person with race constantly on the brain (Read: a racist) would see this as anything but a calendar.

Hard R.

Surprise Rambo Bachelor Party, Make Mine Point Break

Considering my unquenchable love of movies, this was the most amazing surprise bachelor party I've ever seen.  I think you guys should probably plan my Point Break remake.  A skydiving speedstar into a bank robbery sounds like a good time.  Just a thought.

Uma Thurman Just Latest Actress To Change Faces

I guess I don't really know when plastic surgery became this pervasive, but we basically all expect a few celebrities to drastically ruin their look each year.  Uma Thurman is the latest culprit.  I try to judge these before/after pictures by whether or not I would recognize them by their new face.  I honestly didn't recognize Renee Zellweger or Britney Spears the first time I saw their new faces.  And you can still recognize Meg Ryan, it's just sad. 

Straight Outta Compton Trailer Looks Awesome

The preamble of Ice Cube and Dr. Dre casually riding backing into Compton in a Bentley is absurd.  Looked like the most staged part of the entire video, even more than the whole movie trailer.  And I laughed out loud when I saw that these fliers were on every car at the Phoenix Open parking lot.

T-GIFs Taking You Into The Weekend

Steve Carrell, Jon Stewart, and Steven Colbert preening for a camera 20 years ago.

A cat having way too much fun with a snowed in doorway.

A balloon popping underwater.

Watching this blowup slide inflate is oddly satisfying.

And this one goes out to all people trying to get my opinion on the Super Bowl.

Lastly, the Florida Panthers use soccer announcers for the Latin community in Miami.  I'm jealous.

The #BrianWilliamsMisremembers Hashtag Made My Morning

People have been skewering Brian Williams since it was revealed that he completely fabricated a story of his helicopter being forced down due to enemy fire.  Since then, armchair investigators like myself have been turning up old lies without even trying.  My favorite thus far is Williams talking about the bodies he saw floating in the French Quarter of New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina.  There is only a slight problem with this - the French Quarter didn't flood.  Grab some popcorn, because I love when the liberal media decides to turn the claws inwards and devour one of its own.

 

I'm sure Brian Williams wishes he could "misremember" this scene too.

It's Been A Tough Week For Me Closing Out Games

Could've done without that.

Hannah Davis Shows Her Vagina For SI Swimsuit Cover

First of all, Fuck Derek Jeter.  Second of all, when is Sports Illustrated going to drop the act and just go full nude for America?  I mean, it's clear as day that they had to CGI/airbrush the top of her "flower" out of this picture.  At least it wasn't fat Kate Upton for back to back to back.  Nina Agdal and Charlotte McKinney should be fucking pissed, since Hannah Davis is a charter member of the itty bitty titty committee. 

Watch Jimmy Fallon Bring Saved By The Bell Back To Life

I wish Dustin Diamond had showed up and started stabbing everyone.  And it's always fun to reminisce about how bad Showgirls was.  During the Super Bowl, I thought about Mario Lopez cheating on the original Doritos girl, Ali Landry, on his bachelor party.  She called it off.  I think Mr. Belding has logged more hours at the Playboy Mansion than anyone else on Earth.  If I had a late night show, I would have one of these throwback skits all the time.  What a dream job.

USC Nabs #1 Recruiting Class In The Nation

USC Football has had a fantastic last 24 hours.  Steve Sarkisian and his staff were able to lock up 4 different 5-star defenders since Porter Gustin committed last night.  Rivals has the least amount of east coast bias in their recruiting rankings, so I always defer to them on National Signing Day.  Luckily, Scout has confirmed Rivals' rankings with USC leapfrogging Alabama after the Iman "Biggie" Marshall #1 CB rounded out the class this afternoon.  That means USC will have an exclusively 5-star secondary next season between Marshall, Leon McQuay, Su'a Cravens, and Adoree Jackson.  Not to mention the best linebacker class since Rey Maualuga, Brian Cushing, and Clay Matthews with #1 ILB Porter Gustin, #2 OLB John Houston & #3 OLB Osa Masina.

Marshall's video on Bleacher Report was pretty cool too.

UCLA had a pretty good day until it leaked that DC Jeff Ulbrich was leaving to take a job with the Atlanta Falcons.  Georgia coaches pounced on this news and notified Roquan Smith, who hadn't yet faxed in his LOI, that the coach who recruited him to UCLA was leaving.  As of this afternoon, Roquan has opened up his recruitment once again.  That's a twofer of new DC and no 5-star linebacker, so quite a punch in the dick to the losers in Westwood.  On the other hand, they did land the ITT Tech jokester RB Soso Jamabo from Texas, and it's hard to hate him with tweets like this.

I've Watched The Barstool Post Super Bowl Rundown 4 Times

Can't. Stop. Laughing.

And DP went ham on Colin Cowherd this morning.  Screw you COWTURD!!