USC Adds JUCO Track Star Just'N Thymes, 2014 Track All-Name Team Is Born

Riverside City College transfer sprinter Just'N Thymes joined the USC Track team in January 2015.  He's super fast - 10.18 100M and 20.61 200M - blah, blah, blah.  But that name is All-Time.  I've only seen All-Name Teams for football & lacrosse, but I've never seen one for track & field athletes.  I can't believe this doesn't exist, as it would surely be the most ridiculous of them all.

2015 College Football Recruiting All-Name Team  (Equanimeous St. Brown was a USC commit)
2014 College Football Recruiting All-Name Team
2015 Lacrosse All-Name Team  
2014 Lacrosse All-Name Team 

Since I could not find a sufficient Track & Field All-Name Team, I decided to create my own from ONLY THE WINNERS of their respective collegiate events in 2014 according to the Track & Field Results Reporting System.

Men's Team                                                        Women's Team
Trayvon Bromell                                                      Dezerea Bryant
Dedric Dukes                                                         Le'Tristan Pledger
Shadrack Kipchirchir                                              Sparkle McKnight
Roxroy Cato                                                          Chrishuna Williams
Moriarity Brown-Griffin                                            Sha'Keela Saunders
Prezel Hardy, Jr.                                                     Ida Storm
Mac Fleet                                                              Shakia Williams
Boru Guyota                                                          Aisling Cuffe
Latario Collie-Minns                                                Sharika Nelvis
Shavez Hart                                                           Kamaria Brown
Quamel Prince                                                       Katlyne Brummett
Jashane Morrison                                                   Shamier Little
Cam Dopp                                                             Morolake Akinosun
Jacorian Duffield                                                     Leontia Kallenou
Ashinia Miller                                                         Shanieka Thomas
Adam Deterding                                                      Tyjah Eady

Gronk Trying So Hard Not To Say 69 At Media Day

Gronk trying so hard not to honestly answer his favorite number from 1-100 looked like Michael Scott trying not to say That's What She Said when he announced his retirement from comedy.

Odds Tiger Woods Makes The Cut?

I don't think he's ready for professional competition, so I would bet that Tiger Woods doesn't make it to the weekend of the Waste Management Open.  On the other hand, it is supposed to rain on Friday, and Tiger is notoriously good in bad weather.  Since I don't want to deal with his entourage on Saturday, let's hope he skulls a few more bunker shots.  And the new Key & Peele skit of ridiculous black names includes the real life D'Brickashaw Ferguson & Frostee Rucker.

Can't Wait For The Super Bowl

Media Day has become too much of a circus.  It's all just noise now.

Monday Afternoon Randomness

University of Phoenix and ITT Tech as your top 2 schools heading into National Signing Day is a joke that will always be funny to me.  He could've said DeVry, the Culinary School like Jared Allen, or Ball So Hard University like Terrell Suggs - anything other than "The U," or Thee Ohio State University.  After daydreaming about the different trade school commercials, I started laughing just thinking about that old Everest College parody youtube.  Here's the original:

And the re-make of the same commercial.



The Russian KHL All-Star Game shootout looked fun for the goalies.

My Favorite Political Lie Is 17 Years Old Today

Considering this video is nearing the age of consent, do you think Slick Willy looks at it any differently?  And for those of you who don't know how he got the nickname Slick Willy, watch him shit on a deposition by asking what the meaning of the word "is" is.

You. Can. Not. Make. This. Shit. Up.

I've Never Seen The Underside Of An Iceberg

Rarely do pictures make me say "Whoa," but a photographer was able to capture these amazing images of a recently flipped iceberg off the coast of Antarctica.  These pictures show the unadulterated beauty of a floating glacier, after it was essentially given a spit-shine by the Antarctic waters.  The density of the ice is responsible for those amazing colors and glass-like texture.  It's science.

Documentary Exposes Famous Dutch Painter Johannes Vermeer

Penn & Teller released this documentary on their rich, bored friend who wanted to know more about famous Dutch painter Johannes Vermeer's paintings.  This 4 minute clip explains a centuries-old technique that Vermeer devised and essentially took to the grave.  His technique was so revolutionary that it appears he trusted no one with the secret.  I guess "paint by numbers" should've been "paint by mirrors" all along.  Here's the link to the whole documentary.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1y5azy_tims-vermeer_tv

Osa Masina Commits To USC, Trojans Now Rank 3rd

With Hayes Pullard & JR Tavai gone, USC needed to bring in a serious cover linebacker.  We got all that and more with Osa Masina.  6'3" soon-to-be 250lbs 5-Star linebackers don't just grow on trees, but I think Masina has a chance to be much better than Rey Maualuga.  He's more concerned with making the tackle than delivering a big hit.  I also think this frees up Sua Cravens to move back to his natural position at Strong Saftety.  Maybe Masina can pull Porter Gustin along with him using the Utah connection.  USC has moved into the Top 5 on all recruiting websites.  With the current coaching staff, the next 12 days are the most exciting of the year.  Let's enjoy them as well these videos of Osa Masina being impossible to stop.

http://www.hudl.com/athlete/3017856/highlights/175707386

http://www.hudl.com/athlete/3017856/highlights/119072381

Thank God It's Friday

Turning on ESPN or sports talk radio is impossible right now.  Never have I ever remembered hating a story as much as I hate Deflategate.  Ray Rice beating the shit out of his fiancee was at least interesting.  This is less than a non-story.  It's common knowledge that quarterbacks like throwing an under-inflated ball more than an over-inflated ball.  It's also common knowledge that QBs alter these balls to their specifications, since they have whined about this in the past in order to get the current lax rules on the books.  Even my moral compass, Matt Barkley, got caught doing this at USC.  It's also common knowledge that nobody talks, everybody walks.  Listening to Jerome Bettis and Mark Brunell yesterday was a fucking joke.  Brunell fucking CRIED.  They fully expected Belichick and Brady to confess and beg for forgiveness.  How do these space cadet commentators keep their jobs?  Do you really expect me to listen to these dumbfucks when they obviously don't know how the world works?  This story might possibly be the biggest non-event in the history of non-events.  People like Michael Wilbon calling for Belichick's firing are idiotic.  I originally thought the Patriots would lose a draft pick, but now I'm not even sure they will get a wrist slap.  Either way, I would rather do this all weekend than have to listen to one more millisecond of this shit.

That said, the entire country believing the Patriots are cheaters has got to sting a bit. #Asterisk

ESPN's Gerry Hamilton Needs To Explain Himself

This story is a few days old, but it's been irking me nonetheless.  ESPN recruiting analyst Gerry Hamilton accidentally tweeted out a link to a Pornhub video.  Here is the very NSFW link if you're interested in comparing tastes.  My initial reaction was something along the lines of, "eh, shit happens," but the more I thought about it, I need to know how it happened.  What kind of psychopath copies URL addresses of pornos?  And for what reason?  Can he not bookmark them?  Does he have some secret Word document stashed with a list of his personal favorite links?  Was he sending this link to a friend?  I don't think I've ever copied a porn link to my clipboard for any reason other than Erin Andrews' peephole video.  After cogitating on this multifaceted question for hours, I've decided that Gerry Hamilton is a porn hoarder.  No other explanation is plausible.  Now I kinda want to see the rest of his keepers.

In other news, a judge in Dusseldorf, Germany is fighting the good fight for men everywhere and their right to pee standing up.  Although the only real takeaway from this article (other than that picture) is that Germans have much better insults.  A wimp is a "sitzpinkler" in Germany, meaning a man who sits to pee.

Is This The Most Hateable Person On Earth?

Supporting both the Yankees and the Patriots is like rooting for USC football and UCLA basketball.  These stickers are essentially a timeline of bandwagon fandom - the 1990s owned by the Yankees, the 2000s owned by the Patriots, and the 2010s owned by Alabama.  But the shocker sticker threw me for a loop and now makes me think this has to be a 15 year-old with a learner's permit.  It makes sense that this colossal douche's Dad wants to kill two birds with one stone by getting his fair-weather, pussy son out of the house in that fucking eyesore of a Hummer H3 that he still regrets buying in 2007.

Pacquiao Holds Focus Pads For Adam Carolla

Am I the only one who thinks this Mayweather vs. Pacquiao fight is never going to happen?

Janet Gretzky GoPros Birth of Grandson

I wish Janet would just stick to gambling.  This picture creeped me out, but I'm still anxiously awaiting 4chan hacking The Great One's IP address.  That being said, this picture begs the question - Would you allow your mother-in-law to be in the room with you during the birth?  It's true DJ & Paulina aren't technically married yet, but my guess would be some sort of reality TV show to come with a lavish wedding.  Either way, DJ should never have gotten cuckolded into allowing Janet Gretzky in the delivery room.

Seattle Punter Jon Ryan @JonRyan9 Belt Celebration

Absolutely classic punter celebration.  Doing the discount double check belt at McCarthy and Rodgers for being too dumb to see a fake field goal by a team down 3 scores going into the 4th quarter.  Morons.  And this scared shitless face as he released the ball is amazing.

So The NFC Championship Game Was Fun

The calm before the storm.

Loudest stadium I will ever hear in my entire life.



Hugging Pete Carroll postgame at the 50 yard line.

Michael Bennett being Michael Bennett.

The NFC West Belt.  Discount double check.  Aaron Rodgers' last three trips to Seattle include the Fail Mary, getting slaughtered 36-16 to open the season, and now this heartbreaker.  Olivia Munn won't be able to do anything about the nightmares.

Hockey traditions are better, so I didn't want to touch this NFC Championship trophy.

And my favorite picture of the trip.

PS - John Clayton does not have a ponytail.  Myth busted.

PPS - The Wasted Management Open should be fun on Super Bowl Saturday.

Nikola Vucevic Leading NBA In Double-Doubles

I saw this Tweet and was flabbergasted.  I had no idea how dominant Vucevic has turned out to be in Orlando.  The East sucks balls, but still.  And this is his 2nd time in the news this week.  Vucevic posterized the shit out of Pau Gasol just a few days ago.  USC basketball sure misses his rebounding.

Crossfitters Doing Crossfit

This video is nearly as hard to watch as it is to filter these people from your Facebook feed.

Most NSFW Youtube Of All Time

I love The Onion.

New Scorsese Movie "The Audition" With Leo & DeNiro

First I find out that Leo and Rihanna is actually a thing yesterday.  Bar Rafaeli has already said that those two should get crazy together.  Now he's in a new Martin Scorsese movie with Robert DeNiro.  Everything is coming up Leo, except for the Lakers of course.

National Championship Recap

Twitter exploded pre-game over Busted Coverage's picture of Oregon Cheerleading coach Corine Lewis.  Rightfully so, but 42 year old fake tits don't always do it for me.  On the other hand, I was mesmerized by Maggie Rouse in the front row of Oregon's Cheer squad.  She's perfect.  I guess I have more pent up hatred for LeBron than I thought, because it pained me to see this picture of him celebrating with Ohio State.  Considering LeBron & Drake did not go to Ohio State or Kentucky respectively, who grinds your gears more as a bandwagon fan?

Jimmy Kimmel's Mean Tweets to ESPN personalities were fantastic, with SVP aka Penis Man cracking me up the most.  And I tried my best at Crank Yankers - Lee Corso mashup.

Anaheim Ducks Retire Teemu Selanne's #8

It's always tough to say goodbye to a legend, especially one that has been the heart and soul of one of your favorite sports franchises.  Teemu Selanne is rightfully the first Anaheim (Mighty) Duck to ever have his jersey retired.  Thanks to the greatest Dad in the world, I had a pretty good vantage point for the festivities last night. 

People have a tendency to forget how incredible the Finnish Flash was throughout his entire career.  Teemu's responsible for my favorite goal celebration of all time even before he made it to Anaheim.  This classic gif is from his rookie season, when broke Mike Bossy's record for goals in a season by a rookie.  Except he went on to score 20 more to get to 76 goals on the season, otherwise known as the 5th best season EVER.  As a rookie.  76 rookie goals is a record that will never be touched.

I've had the privilege of caddying for Teemu Selanne twice in my life.  I used to caddy for my Dad's friends in the summer, and one day I got the offer of a lifetime - a chance to caddy for one of my heroes.  Teemu called me "Little John" the whole day, but the kicker was on the 17th tee.  My Dad's buddy challenged Teemu saying that I could knock it closer than him.  I did, and we had a good laugh.  I thought that was the end of it.  Directly after the round, Teemu handed me $120 but wouldn't let go and said, "Little John, let's go double or nothing on 4 holes."  I had just caddied 18 holes for the man, so my natural response was, "How many strokes do you want?"  The group busted up.  I was dead serious.  We settled on one stroke for Teemu.  Four holes later I was up 2 strokes and Teemu handed me $250.  Best. Day. Ever.  The second caddying loop wasn't quite as memorable, but Teemu did let me sit shotgun as he spun the tires on his Ferrari 360 Modena.  Oh, and he has the Happy Gilmore hockey stick putter too.  What's not to love?

The Only Cool Thing I Heard About CES

There are a lot worse Ryan Reynolds movies than Definitely, Maybe, but none of them has left such a random, lasting, and angering memory on my brain.  Where the fuck are those bluetooth headphones from the opening credits?  This movie came out in 2008, and I've basically been looking for them ever since.  It's also the reason I hate LeBron's "wireless" Beats headphones.  I guess something is wireless now if LeBron just says so.

But I digress.  A company that goes by the name Bragi appears to be the closest to making these earbuds a reality with their Dash prototype.  Bragi has delusions of grandeur about the earbuds becoming as interactive as Google Glass in the future, but I wish they would just focus on getting these headphones to market already.  There are a few other pretenders you can read about here.

Oregon Wins By 11 Tonight

I don't think Oregon will have to re-hatch Robo-Duck to win tonight, but I'd be willing to try.  A few people have asked me who I'm rooting for in the National Championship game.  The simple answer is that I don't really care now that the Alabama and the SEC West got embarrassed.  Here is the true order of my college football hatred:

1. UCLA
2. Notre Dame
3. Stanford
4. Cal
5. Texas
6. SEC schools not named Vanderbilt
7. Oregon

Some might ask why I'm not rooting for Ohio State by those metrics, but they are forgetting that Urban Meyer played a massive role in #6.  That fucking Tebow plaque, the arrest records at Florida, bailing due to some bogus health issues, running from Saban... the list goes on.  Urban Meyer is the fucking worst, and he'll run away from Harbaugh soon enough.  I'm sure the Browns will be hiring.

Allison Williams Has Her Ass Eaten

I'll admit it.  I have a thing for Allison Williams.  Not enough of a thing to actually watch Girls, but it's still there.  The last image I had of Williams before this morning was of her playing the role of little boy Peter Pan, so this gif helped get me back to neutral.  I think the gif of her masturbating is still better though.  You be the judge.

 

Where Will You Be When The Drugs Kick In

These gifs from Reddit cracked me up over the weekend.  I'll admit that it was this hilarious Eminem one that sucked me in, since I actually witnessed that one live.  And now I miss It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia.  Here are a couple of my favorites.

 

And this one is just a personal favorite of mine that I've kept for the past year.  Definitely fits here, and I think it's necessary to remember Paulina pre-baby.  Do you think they name it Wayne just so that he will finally let them get married?

Nicole Kidman Calling Out Fallon Is Hilarious

Jimmy Fallon legitimately had no idea that he went out on a date with Nicole Kidman.  How he could be so oblivious to the "let's go over a script" line, I have no idea.  That's the equivalent in college to asking a girl to come over "to watch a movie."  Come on dude.  Since all of these late night shows are scripted, it was nice to see what I believe to be a genuine reaction from Fallon.  In other news, oil magnate Harold Hamm tried to pay off his ex-wife with a $974,790,317.77 check for their divorce settlement.  She says he would drunkenly rave about being worth $20 billion, so I can see where she's coming from.  But fuck.  I could never tear up a billion dollar check.

It's My Birthday, And I'll Longform If I Want To

My cousin emailed me this morning letting me know that he hung this poster of LT right above my crib 28 years ago.  He distinctly remembers my mom not being pleased.  I can imagine.  Just in case someone feels like gifting me what I wished for this year, feast your eyes on the TrackingPoint Precision Guided Semi-auto AR-15.

In other news, the LAPD somehow recovered OJ Simpson's Heisman replica trophy that was stolen from Heritage Hall in 1994.  A replica trophy is always given to the school, and I know that USC had another replica trophy made to replace the stolen one.  The question is whether or not USC will do what is right and pay to restore this lost piece of USC history.  And if you're wondering what happened to The Juice's original trophy, he had to sell it at auction for legal bills to Tom Kreissman, pictured in the center below.  It is believed that Kreissman sold the trophy back to the memorabilia dealer OJ allegedly ambushed in Las Vegas named Alfred Beardsley.  Beardsley (pictured right) is the same man who betrayed OJ and helped Ron Goldman extract such an enormous $33.5 million civil settlement given his intimate knowledge of OJ's memorabilia sales going back to 1982.

Busted Coverage posted this picture of Anna Kournikova, and it brought me back to my sexual fantasies of the early 2000s.  How is it possible that someone like her only get 2600 likes on an Instagram picture like this one?  Oh yeah, everyone else hates dog pictures as much as I do.

I'm going to scalp a ticket to the USC vs. Cal basketball game tonight if anyone wants to meet me there.  Cal is a better team, but let's hope the Trojans first home Pac-12 game creates enough fire to possibly pull out a win.  It sucks that I have to avoid the row until Del Taco is demolished.  It would hurt too much to see it today.  My buddy sent me this tweet today showing that the Pac-12 still can't get no respect.

In other news, a dude with two dicks did a Reddit Ask Me Anything last year, and I thought it was fascinating.  Total mindblow.  I couldn't even imagine what growing up with dueling dicks must've been like.  Supposedly his new book tells stories about awkward encounters over the years, but the front cover of the book alone is almost too perfect not to buy.

Lastly, I don't know how I've made it 28 years on God's green Earth and didn't know I shared a birthday with the greatest actor of our generation - Nicolas Cage.  Here are my reactions when I heard such an amazing factoid this morning.